Priceless (Forbidden Men #8)(55)

I sniffed out my agreement and rubbed my face. Then I dropped my hands and drew in a breath. I couldn’t handle this f*cking space between us.

“Look, I totally understand your need to prove to yourself that you’re not deficient in any way, which you’re not. You know that, right?”

When she gave a half-hearted shrug and wouldn’t meet my gaze, I growled. “Sarah. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Then what other reason would you tell me no?” she asked in a harsh whisper. Her face lifted and blue eyes looked tormented. “Just say it already. You can’t get it up for me, can you?”

I blinked, totally not expecting that. “What?”

“It’s okay,” she murmured as if trying to soothe me. “I understand. If I just don’t attract you in that way, you can tell me. You can’t help what your body does and doesn’t want. But please don’t spare my feelings about it, because I need to know if that’s the case.”

A laugh burst from me. “You seriously think that’s my problem?” I gripped my side because, f*ck, that had to be the funniest, yet saddest thing I’d ever heard.

My amusement set off a scowl in her. “Well, I don’t know, Brandt. Is it?”

Sobering, I shook my head. “Christ. You drive me insane. Does this look like a f*cking limp dick to you?”

Glancing down at the bulge in my pants when I cupped it in my hand to show her how hard I was, her eyes flared wide. “Oh.” She sounded breathless and surprised. And then her gaze filled with hope as it darted up to my face. “You mean, I...I really can turn a man on?”

A man, not me specifically. None of her sex fantasies had anything to do with me. She just wanted a willing—and apparently hard—penis to work with.

Well, I wanted her to want me.

“Yeah, you can.” Sneering, I grabbed a pillow from beside her and yanked it close to cover my lap. “Congratulations.”

Her eyes softened to something almost sympathetic as she watched me begin to blush. Yes, I was goddamn blushing. Shut it.

But then perplexity marred her brow. “I’m really not the problem,” she murmured as if realizing something.

I closed my eyes, glad she’d at least stopped thinking she had something wrong with her. “No. You’re not the problem at all.” My body would love to dive into hers, right that second, actually.

Sarah sniffed. “Well...you can’t be the problem. You’re perfect. And you’ve done this before, so—”

“Yes, thank you,” I bit out, cutting her off sharply. “You’ve made it perfectly clear you think I’m a man-slut and f*ck any woman who wants it from me. I got it.”

Rearing back because the scorn in my voice obviously startled her, she immediately began to shake her head. “No. That’s not what I meant at all, Brandt. You know I don’t think... “ But her words trailed off and her head tilted to the side as she studied me intently.

I frowned back, hunching my shoulders over my body protectively as I kept the pillow firmly in place over my stupid, swollen junk.

Suddenly her lips parted with a sharp intake of breath. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Snorting my denial, I began to shake my head. But my mind zipped to the one thing I couldn’t tell anyone, and shit, I gulped. That should have nothing to do with this, but what if it did? It had affected my sex life, kept me from letting women touch me there, ever. It left me feeling dirty, way too dirty to ever put such filth inside Sarah. It still haunted my dreams sometimes at night.

Holy f*ck, what if my mother had ruined any chance I ever could’ve had to be with the woman I loved?

Sarah shook her head as if in denial, but her eyes kept growing as she stared at my face. I knew I was giving everything away with my paling, guilty expression.

“But you tell me everything,” she murmured in a soft, confused, hurt voice.

I lowered my face, ashamed.

“Brandt,” she whispered, sounding so concerned I had to squeeze my eyes shut against it. I heard the bedsheet rustle as she scooted closer. Warm fingers touched my arm. “You know you can tell me anything.”

I shook my head, still unable to look up at her. “I can’t...tell you this.”

“Okay.” She said it firmly as if she understood, though I knew she understood nothing. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about anything. We don’t have to do anything. I’ll stop upsetting you.”

I glanced at her, still feeling shitty because I hadn’t given her the one thing I knew she wanted most. “I’m sorry. You know I’d do anything for you. I just...I can’t do this.”

With a nod, she repeated, “Okay. It’s okay.”

But it didn’t feel okay. There was still a foot of space between us. “Can we just cuddle?” I asked, only to wince. “Jesus, I sound like a f*cking chick.”

Sarah laughed. “Hey! Since I’m part of this superior chick species you’re bashing, I’d say that’s not such a bad thing, but yeah...yeah, we can totally just cuddle.”

“Thank you.”

I must’ve looked as vulnerable as I felt because she took my hand and led me up her bed toward the pillows. We each kicked off our shoes and then crawled under the sheets together, both of us still fully dressed.