On the Rocks(5)

“I got a great job offer,” he whispered.

“Okay,” I said calmly, trying to soothe what clearly was just a really grotesque case of nerves. “That’s not a problem, I want you to work. I didn’t think that was something I had to tell you. We need the money, and hey, I fully support men in the workforce.”

“No, Abby, you’re not listening to me. I got a great job offer. In Arizona.”

“I’m sorry, what?” This didn’t help disprove his point that I wasn’t listening.

“I’m taking it.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I replied. That didn’t help either.

“It’s a great opportunity, and I need to do this, for me. It will get me out of this rut. I want to live somewhere else, meet new people, experience new things.”

“Like, the desert. You don’t want to get married because you want to experience the desert.” When he’d said he wanted to travel, I assumed he meant somewhere exotic like Bora Bora, or Laos. Not Arizona. This isn’t happening. Not to me.

“I know you don’t understand. I’m not even sure that I understand. I just know that everything inside me is telling me I need to do this.”

“Oh, thank God. Now I get it.”

“You do?”

“Yes, so you’re hearing voices?” I was grasping at straws. Thin, weak, little straws of hope that I could somehow stop this catastrophe from occurring.

“Abby . . . stop.”

I didn’t recognize this person. It wasn’t the Ben I had known and loved for all of these years. It wasn’t the Ben I was ready to commit my life to. It was the Ben whose head I wanted to bash in with the large ceramic coffee mug sitting on the kitchen counter.

“I’m pretty sure people get married in Arizona. I’ll wear sunblock and turquoise earrings. I’ll exchange my satin pumps for cowboy boots. I’m willing to work with you on this. I don’t think that’s reason to call off the wedding.” I had crossed over the border of pathetic and was now so firmly entrenched in crazy town I could’ve planted a flag.

“Abby, listen to me,” he said as he grabbed my hands and pulled me down on the couch next to him. “I need to do this alone. You coming to Arizona with me isn’t the solution to our problems. I don’t want to uproot you and move you away from your friends and your family. You deserve better than me.”

“I’ll decide what I do and do not deserve. You don’t get to make those decisions without consulting me first. We’ve been together for ten years, Ben. Ten f*cking years. And what problems are you referring to? I wasn’t aware we had any problems. Until an hour ago, the only problems I had were trying to pick out a wedding dress, trying to keep Grace from getting smashed before noon, and trying to keep my mother from liposucking herself into oblivion.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, Abby, but I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Something isn’t right with us, and then this opportunity out west came up, and I think it’s a sign that we’re not meant to be together. I’m too young. I’m not ready.”

“You’re not ready? Do you think maybe you could’ve figured that out before you went and bought me a diamond ring? What did you think was going to happen after that, Ben? Usually, a wedding follows an engagement. I thought this was a concept you were familiar with.”

“I know. I think I just resigned myself to thinking that we had been together for so long, it was time. But it’s not. It’s not time for me. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

“Try loosening your belt. Better yet, take it off so I can strangle you with it.” I lunged at him, but he grabbed my hands and clasped them tightly against his chest.

“Abby, I hate hurting you like this, but I don’t want to be divorced in a year either. I don’t think we’re right together, and as much as I don’t want to, it’s better to admit we made a mistake sooner rather than later.”

“Why didn’t you break up with me then?” I was sobbing uncontrollably. I finally realized that this wasn’t something I was going to be able to talk him out of. My shoulders slumped forward, and I let my hair cover my face, as if concealing it from him would mask the pain I was feeling. “Why’d you let me run around planning our wedding like an idiot if you weren’t ready? Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“I was scared, and I was selfish. I didn’t want to let you go.” He released my hands and rubbed my arm as he continued. “You’re kind of like a really old sock, you know? A really, really comfortable sock that you’ve had forever and love, so you keep it, even though you know it’s time to replace it. Do you know what I mean?”

“You didn’t just compare me to a gym sock. You didn’t,” I stuttered, suddenly feeling so very, very tired.

“That didn’t come out right,” he admitted quickly.

I couldn’t speak. I thought he was my best friend, my partner, the love of my life, the would-be father of my children.

And he thought I was a sock.

“I just started envisioning our life together, and I realized that we don’t challenge each other enough.” He got up and walked back to the window and leaned his weight against the panes of glass.

“I’m sorry, I have absolutely no idea what that means.”