Never Let You Go(60)

I don’t want him to say things like this, don’t want to him to say things a father would say except that it’s all twisted into knots. “We made a deal.”

“Shit,” he says. “My boss needs me. Come over this weekend, okay? We can talk.”

“No. Mom is right. You can’t help yourself.”

“Is that what she told you?” He doesn’t sound apologetic anymore. His voice is harsh and mean, like someone I’ve never heard before, except maybe I think I have.

“This is between you and me,” I say. “This is my decision.”

“I’m working the rest of the week,” he says, “but I’m home all day Saturday—New Year’s Eve. I’ll stick around. Come over anytime. I’ll explain.” His tone has switched again. Now he’s a friend sitting down at the table for coffee and conversation.

“You can’t explain this!”

“I’ve loved her so long, Sophie. You’re young and maybe you don’t understand, but real love, like the way I love your mom, it’s everything. It fills your head, your body, you can’t breathe without thinking about them. I don’t know how to move on yet, but I know I have to, okay? I know I have to let her go.” His voice sounds thick and scratchy, like he’s crying.

“Dad—”

“Just come see me,” he says. “I’ll make it right.” He ends the call. I set my phone down on the bed, sink under my blankets, and press the heels of my palms into my eyes.





CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO


LINDSEY



I glance through Marcus’s front window as I walk up his porch steps. His outdoor Christmas lights are already down and I can’t see his tree through the window. I wonder if he’s the type who always takes down his decorations before New Year’s Eve, or if it has more to do with painful memories. He spent Christmas Eve with his parents on the island, then volunteered at a crisis center Christmas Day. “I have to keep busy,” he said.

I ring the bell, glance up and down the street. The road is quiet, no trucks idling in the distance, but I’m still scared Andrew has been following me.

“Hi,” Marcus says when he opens the door. “I pigged out over the holidays, so I’m going to be hitting the weights hard today. You up for it?” He gives me a cheeky smile.

“Hmm. Doesn’t sound like much fun. Never mind.” I pretend to spin around and he grabs my arm with a laugh.

“Get your butt in here.”

When we walk through the living room and head downstairs to the gym, I notice there’s no sign it was even Christmas a few days ago, not one tissue, ribbon, or shred of wrapping paper anywhere in sight. We exercise hard, the only noise the clanging of the weight machine that Marcus is using and the hum of the treadmill that I’m on. I turn up the incline and run until my calf muscles quiver and my lungs burn. Then he spots me as I lift weights, his face focused.

We sit after and have a coffee. He bought a new one for us to try—dark and rich with a caramel sweetness. I like thinking of him picking it out in the store.

“It’s nice to take a break,” he says. “I’ve been writing all day.”

“How’s it going?”

“Ask me tomorrow after I’ve deleted everything.”

I laugh. “Did you have a good Christmas?” I say, then feel foolish for the question. I can’t imagine that it would ever be possible to have a good Christmas after you’ve lost a child.

“It was productive,” he says as he busies himself with pouring another cup of coffee. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it. “How was yours?”

“Interesting. Turns out Sophie has a boyfriend. He’s the son of one my clients.”

“Does that bother you?”

“I’m not sure how I feel about him. He makes me a little uneasy.”

“Mother’s instincts?”

“Or maybe paranoia.” I smile. “I’m sure he’s fine. I’m just not used to Sophie dating, and they’re texting constantly. It feels so fast.”

“Young love,” he says. “It’s usually very obsessive.” He glances at my face. “Don’t worry. It’s normal teen behavior. Just give her space. I tried too hard to warn Katie and ended up pushing her away.”

“She asked if she could go to a New Year’s Eve party at his house. I checked with his parents and they’re chaperoning, so I agreed, but I think she’s getting in over her head.” Normally Sophie comes with me to my support group’s New Year’s Eve party. I can understand her wanting to be with her boyfriend, but it feels like one more step in her moving away from me.

“How so?”

“Jared comes from a wealthy family. Their lifestyle is very different than ours.”

“You’re worried she won’t fit into his world?”

“More that she might like that world and it will change her. And I’m worried that he has more life experiences than her. He’s very grown-up.” I know it isn’t fair to compare him to Andrew, but I can’t help thinking how I’d been dazzled—and then blinded.

“Sophie seems to have a good head on her shoulders.”

“I know, but she leads with her heart.” I fiddle with my mug. “She saw her father again—and he left a present on my windshield, a CD with love songs. She said she won’t see him anymore, but I don’t know what’s going to happen when she shuts him out.”