Never Far Away (The Never #2)(8)
Ella drew in a ragged breath. She wasn’t expecting him to be so emotional about her accident. Everyone in her life had been putting on a brave face, but no one had let her see how upset they had been about the accident. Sometimes she felt guilty for feeling depressed or angry about her injuries since no one else was. Everyone was so focused on her moving forward, no one wanted to help her deal with the fact that she had been shot and lost her memory. So hearing Porter and all his frustration and hurt made her feel close to him. She reached across the table and placed her hand over his again, this time holding on and gently rubbing her thumb across the back of his knuckles.
“I’m ok, Porter. You aren’t responsible for what happened to me.”
“I know you don’t remember us, but I will always be responsible for you,” he whispered. He took his hand from her and rubbed both his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to make you uncomfortable. I know this must be awkward for you.”
“It’s ok.” She didn’t want to tell him that his words touched her. She wasn’t supposed to feel so connected to someone she technically didn’t know. “Can you tell me what happened next?”
“I drove to Poppy and the cops were already there. They told me you were taken to the hospital and when I got there I learned about your injuries. I also ran into Kyle. I beat the shit out of him,” Porter let out a little laugh and it made her smile. “He left the hospital and never made another appearance, which was probably best for his safety.” He paused again, and his next words were heavier and full of reflection. “I stayed by your side, every day, until you woke up. When you started opening your eyes I called the nurses and they made me leave the room. When I finally was told what had happened, that you had lost your memory, the decision had already been made that I wouldn’t get to see you. Even the doctor agreed. Ever since then, I’ve been living off the minimal updates your mom and sister have been sending me.”
“It sounds like you’ve been really upset by all of this.”
“Can I be honest with you? “
“Please.”
“This is wrecking me. It’s an odd situation to be in and I have no idea how to navigate these waters. But to have someone you love so much ripped away from you, and to know that they are still out there living their life but you can’t be a part of it,” he took in a deep breath and then continued, “it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” His words cut at her and she believed that he was hurting. She could see the pain painted across his face and she could feel the sadness radiating from him in waves. She was compelled to reach out to him, but felt that he would just pull away again. She wasn’t sure how to navigate the waters either; she didn’t even remember how to swim.
“Where are we supposed to go from here? I mean, what is supposed to happen next?” She asked him hesitantly.
“I have absolutely no idea. I have been so focused on just getting to speak to you. I hadn’t thought about what we were going to do once I’d gotten to talk to you. But whatever happens from this point on, it’s up to you. I don’t want to put any pressure on you whatsoever. I just wanted to see you again and make sure you were doing all right.”
The pressure his words were putting on her made her feel heavy like stone. She was never good at taking the lead and didn’t feel comfortable saying to him everything that was running through her mind. How do you tell someone you don’t really know that you want them to want you? That you want to spend time with them, lots of time? She could only rely on her gut and her gut was telling her there was a reason she felt inexplicably tied to him.
“Can I ask you a question that might make us both uncomfortable?”
“Of course,” he said immediately.
“Do you still love me?” She watched her question sink into him and could almost see her words land on his shoulders, weighing them down.
“Ella,” he said softly. “When we met, we spent one week together in some sort of bubble. Real life wasn’t affecting us. We were determined and convinced that we could surmount any obstacle that was thrown our way. We were reckless and excited by each other.”
Ella could feel the brush off coming; he was explaining their feelings away, like they were a fluke.
“I spent ten days getting to know you, but then I spent eight weeks away from you. Two whole months of complete separation and isolation.”
“I understand,” she whispered, wanting to stop his explanation before he got to the point where it would hurt her.
“But I love you more today than I ever have, Ella. Every day. Every. Single. Day. My love for you expands. I’m not ever going to be complete unless you are with me.”
As her eyes swept up to his face, she could see the hope still shimmering in his eyes. He still wanted her. When everything in her life was up in the air and she was unsure of anything, this little sliver of hope made her feel confident that Porter was something she could be sure of. She took in a deep breath and it was the first time in weeks that she felt relief.
“If you’re not opposed to it, I’d like to spend some time with you,” she said, trying not to sound needy. How do you tell your boyfriend you don’t remember that you want to date him without sounding needy? She was needy. She needed him to help her feel normal again.