Never Far Away (The Never #2)(55)

“When she woke up and didn’t remember me, it was like someone had taken the one thing I was living for away from me. And even if I could have functioned normally with just that happening, when they refused to let me see her, or talk to her, it was even worse.” He paused and looked down at his hand that was still tangled up in hers. “I had dealt with loss before and had pretty much built a life where I wouldn’t have to deal with it again. I wasn’t sure I could. But then Ella came storming into my life and everything I had tried to push away suddenly was everything I wanted. Desperately.” He looked over at Ella and she could see every ounce of love he had for her in his eyes.

“I wasn’t prepared to have her taken from me and when she was gone it was like I was lost.”

“Can you explain the loss you mentioned? What loss had you dealt with?” Dr. Evans asked.

“My father died suddenly when I was twelve.”

“So, is it safe to assume that when Ella was kept from you, it stirred up past feelings of loss that you had previously associated with your father’s death?”

“I guess. Although, even though this might sound disrespectful to my father, it was almost worse with Ella.”

“How so?” The doctor probed.

“Well, when my father died, it was absolute. He was gone. It was hard, sad, and difficult, but there was a finality to it. With Ella, I was literally just dangling off of a cliff, waiting to either plummet to the bottom of the ravine, or for Ella to come and save me.”

It broke Ella’s heart to hear his words. She never wanted to be the reason he felt anything but love and happiness. Hearing his heartache brought tears to her eyes.

“There were times I didn’t think I was going to make it through to the next day. Not because I would have taken my own life – I never would have left Ella like that, amnesia or not. I just really felt like the sadness would take me. I didn’t know if it was possible to die from sadness, but I was sure I was going to find out eventually.” Ella couldn’t control the sob that escaped her and hadn’t known it was coming until it had already leaked out. She quickly brought a hand to her mouth the stifle any rogue sobs that fought to get out. Porter leaned towards Ella and reached up with his hands to bring her face closer to his.

“Don’t you cry, Ella, don’t. I’d do it all again if it brought you back to me. I’m not the victim here, you are. I just need you to stay strong for me, Baby.”

“I just feel so bad that the whole time you were drowning like that, I was just living my life. I had no idea,” she whispered.

“No, you were fighting your way back to me. We were both struggling.”

Ella nodded. “I was looking for you, even when I didn’t know who you were.”

“I know. Your heart knew me.”

They sat there for a minute, foreheads pressed together, calming each other with their deep breaths and soft touches.

“Porter, let me ask you this,” the doctor said. “Are you afraid you might lose Ella a second time?”

“I won’t let that happen again,” he answered forcefully.

“What do you mean by ‘again’?”

Porter clenched his fist again, and Ella heard his breaths coming faster and harder.

“The first time she was taken from me, it was my mistake. I never should have let her go, at least not alone.” Porter ran his fingers through his hair, dispelling the air from his lungs in a loud rush. “I knew, I knew,” he said as he slammed his fist into his own thigh. “I knew something wasn’t right. My gut was telling me not to let her go home, not to let her out of my sight. I dismissed it, thought it was just my mind just wanting to be near her. We’d spent the week together, surely I was just lusting after her. I told the nagging voice in my head to go away and that it would be crazy of me to demand she stay with me. But damnit, that’s exactly what I should have done.” Porter leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs, placing his head in his hands.

“Even if I had driven a little faster, gotten to the store twenty minutes earlier, I could have stopped that bastard from shooting her.”

“When your father died, did you have feelings of guilt around his death as well?” Dr. Evans asked. Porter looked up at her with a confused look on his face. His brow crinkled near the bridge of his nose and he looked lost in thought.

“I suppose. I mean, I was twelve. I remember thinking that I should have done something differently that day, should have changed something to make it so that truck hadn’t wrecked into his. But I think that’s a perfectly acceptable reaction for a boy to have when he’s lost his father.”

“I agree. But I’d like to remind you that you haven’t lost Ella,” the doctor said, waving a hand towards Ella. “She’s here, and for all intents and purposes, she’s fine. She’s going to continue to be fine. There are lots of things that could have gone differently, but they didn’t, and it’s no one’s fault. Well, perhaps aside from the actual person who shot her.” The doctor turned her attention back to Ella.

“Ella, is there any reason Porter should place blame on himself for your injuries?”

“No!” Ella exclaimed, vehemently. “Porter, I don’t feel that way at all,” she said turning to him. “And I’m not sure I understand why you feel that way. Someone did this to us, not to just me. I was the one who was physically injured, but you were hurt in other ways as well. Please, Baby, you have to allow yourself to let the feeling of guilt go. I don’t blame you, couldn’t blame you. You’ve done nothing but take care of me and protect me from the very beginning.”