My Sister's Bones(93)

‘Sorry for what?’ I say as I look deep into his eyes. ‘My sister’s death or the fact that you’re an arsehole?’

I can’t help it. Seeing him brings it all back: the restaurant, the lies, the baby. Our poor dead baby.

‘I deserve that,’ he says. ‘What I did, the way I did it, was cowardly. I know that now.’

‘I need to sit down,’ I say, walking back towards the strip-lit entrance. ‘There’s a cafe somewhere in this godforsaken place. We can get a coffee.’

We walk in silence through corridor after corridor. I can sense him behind me, his tall, reassuring frame.

‘Here we are,’ I say as we approach a set of garish orange doors. ‘You get the drinks. I’ll find us a table.’

I walk through the deserted cafe and sit down by the window, looking out as an ambulance pulls into the car park below. I flinch as I remember the paramedics lifting Sally’s lifeless body off the floor.

I’m sorry, I think as I look out into the expanse of concrete. I’m so sorry, Sally.

‘Here we are.’

I look up as he places a plastic cup of coffee on the table in front of me. His face glows in the borrowed rays of the morning sun, making his eyes a sharper blue. Everything I love about him is magnified and for a moment I allow myself to imagine a different life. We could live together in some sleepy Yorkshire village, buy a dog and take it for a walk each morning. I could bake cakes and every night I would go to sleep entwined in his arms. In the morning I would wake first and watch him sleep, the sunlight bathing his face in gold just like it is now, and I would whisper thanks to whatever God we believed in that day for sending this man to me.

But the dream dissolves and scatters across the cafe as he takes off his coat and sits down opposite me.

‘Why have you come, Chris?’

‘I needed to see you,’ he says, wrapping his long fingers round the coffee cup. ‘And after all you’ve been through I reckoned you could do with a friend.’

‘Oh, is that what you are now?’ I snap. ‘Sorry, I can’t keep up.’

‘You know we’re more than that, Kate,’ he says, leaning forward and touching my arm. ‘Much more.’

‘Then I must have dreamt the bit where you took me out to lunch and told me it was over,’ I say bitterly. ‘I’ve seen your wife, Chris. I know what kind of life you lead when I’m not around.’

‘Kate, I’m so sorry.’ He looks at me sheepishly.

I look out of the window as he sits opposite me. I see his reflection in the glass: his hands clasped together, hiding the gold wedding band with his thumb. I have to tell him. It has to be now otherwise I’ll lose my nerve. But I keep my eyes on the knotted wilderness of cars outside as I speak. I don’t want to see his face as he hears it; that would be the end of me.

‘I was pregnant, Chris,’ I say, my eyes fixed on those cars. ‘I wanted to tell you that day in the restaurant but you got your announcement in first.’

I hear him take a breath but I need to get the rest out.

‘The baby died a few hours later,’ I say coldly. ‘So, don’t worry, there’s no mess for you to deal with.’

His silence fills the huge space and I turn to see if he’s still there. He is. He sits with his head in his hands, staring at his coffee cup.

‘Chris?’

He looks up and his eyes are swollen with tears.

‘Oh God, Kate,’ he whispers. ‘I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better than me. You’re right, I am an arsehole. It should be me who got punished, not you.’

I nod my head and look into his eyes. Here in the bright light of the cafe I can see him properly for the first time. Our whole relationship had been conducted in near darkness; sneaking into bed in the early hours of the morning, clandestine meetings on hotel balconies as the sun went down. We were a pair of vampires who sucked the life out of each other. Now, looking at him in the white glare of the strip lights, I realize that I have no idea who he is. The man who I made love to, who caused me to tremble with lust and desire, who kissed my forehead as I lay in his arms, was a shadow, a figment of my imagination. He bears no resemblance whatsoever to the man sitting opposite me now in his expensive suit.

The cafe doors open and a family with two young children come inside. One of the children, a girl, has her arm in a sling and the parents look exhausted as they navigate their charges towards a vacant table.

‘It was callous of me,’ says Chris, leaning in to let the family pass. ‘Cowardly. And believe me, Kate, I have gone over that last conversation in my head countless times since then, wondering if I could have done it differently.’

I look at the little girl with the bandaged arm as she settles into her seat and suddenly this whole conversation with Chris seems utterly futile. I want him to go now so I can be with Hannah and David. So I can find some redemption for all of it: for my brother, Nidal, Sally.

‘Chris,’ I say, folding my arms across my chest, ‘what’s the point of all this? We’re over. Whatever we had is over. Your wife and daughters need your undivided attention. I understand that.’

‘You’re being remarkably calm, Kate,’ he says, smiling nervously.

‘Oh, for f*ck’s sake,’ I yell. ‘What do you want to hear? That you ripped my heart to shreds?’