Luscious (Topped #1)(22)

This was what his brother had to deal with all these years. “You don’t have to. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t hurt you or anyone. It’s people choosing to live and play together. If you can’t handle that, the door is that way, but if you think I’m going to stand here and debate with you whether Sean and my brother are abusive husbands because they and their wives indulge in spanking and bondage, you’re wrong. I won’t justify myself or my family to you.”

Tears had formed in her eyes and it took everything he had to stand his ground and not reverse everything he’d said. She stood there as the tears fell on her cheek, but she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring at a place on the floor as though she couldn’t stand to look at him. As if he was going to turn into some kind of monster.

He forced himself to move. He grabbed the cake plate and started readying Grace’s birthday cake for transfer.

“He went to a lot of trouble for her. Two parties for her birthday,” she mentioned quietly.

“He loves her. You should see what Big Tag does for his wife. Who is also his sub.”

“And you want to have that kind of relationship?”

He sealed the cake in and prayed he made it across the yard without tripping. He’d almost lost a plate of petit fours for the family party when he’d tried to take a shortcut to Bessie. God, he was calling her car by that name now, too. Ally had saved the little cakes. She’d been walking right next to him, chatting away. He hadn’t realized how closely she’d been watching him.

He was going to miss their easy friendship. He’d been thinking bitterly about it before, but now he realized how lonely he was going to be without her. He would have taken her friendship without the sex if that was all he could have. A heaviness set over him.

“I’ve never had that kind of relationship. I’ve been training and I like it. I enjoy feeling like I have control somewhere. I like feeling like someone needs me even if it’s only for a while. But that doesn’t matter. I won’t hit you, Ally, if that’s what you’re really asking. I won’t hurt you or try to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Look, if knowing this about me makes you uncomfortable staying here, then let me loan you some money to get your own place. I don’t have much but I can float you a down payment and first month’s rent. You can pay me back in installments.”

“You want me to leave?”

“No, but I don’t want you to be afraid of me and I think you are right now. You don’t have to decide tonight. I’ll stay over at the big house and we can talk about it in the morning.” He picked up the cake. “Don’t forget to lock the deadbolt.” He turned to go and thought about having a beer. His brother would have a fridge full of it, but he would only have one. He was going to do his job and ensure everything was all right with the play party and then he’d hit the guest room and sit up all night wondering how he was going to miss a person he’d only known for a few weeks.

Her arms went around his waist and she plastered her front to his back. “Please don’t go. Not like this.”

“Ally, it’s all right. I’m not going to kick you out. It’s okay.”

She didn’t let go. If anything, her hold tightened. “I’m not afraid of you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. And I know Sean and Adam are good men. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t expect it and I had a bad reaction and I’m sorry. I get stuck in a corner sometimes and I’m too stubborn to come out. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to leave you.”

“What is this really about?” It felt bigger than a misunderstanding. He set the cake down because it looked like this conversation was going to take a while.

She was quiet for a moment, her head resting against his back. “My dad hit my mom. He was a mean drunk. She left when I was eight. I wished she’d taken me with her. He didn’t smack me around, but he would scare the crap out of me. That’s when I started running away.”

He’d wondered. She was so glib that she had to be glossing over something bad. He let his hand drift to where she was holding on to him like a lifeline. “No one’s going to hurt you here, baby.”

He probably shouldn’t have used the endearment. She wasn’t his baby, but he wanted to give her some affection and words were likely the only way she would take it from him.

She slowly let go and he turned around. Her face was red, and he knew telling him that truth about herself had cost her. He didn’t want to hurt her. Not physically. Not emotionally. She was so strong and he hated to see her looking vulnerable. The last time he’d seen her like this was when Timothy had assaulted her. He kept his hands to his sides despite the fact that he wanted to hold her. “It’s all right. You don’t have to talk anymore. It’s okay.”

She walked right into his arms like she belonged there. She put her head against his chest, her body flush to his. She wasn’t trying to put distance between them or show him that they could still be friendly. This was an all-out plea for comfort, and he couldn’t deny her. He sighed as his arms wrapped around her and their bodies fit together for the first time in days.

This was where he’d needed to be. This was what he’d wanted. He’d wanted to be able to smell her shampoo and feel her body nestled to his, but it was confusing.