Lucian Divine(36)

“What?” I said.

“I had a dream. It was so strange.”

I fully expected him to tell me about a dream that would reveal something really important, but he just continued to laugh. He buckled over, holding his hand to his stomach. I could no longer see his wings, and he just looked like an average guy, standing there in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Above average guy, I should say.

“Tell me about it, Lucian.”

“I think it was actually a nightmare, but it was hilarious.”

“Oh no, what was it?” I asked.

“I was being chased, then I got eaten by a giant chocolate chip cookie.”

“What? That’s really dumb.”

When he fell onto the bed laughing, I joined him in the hysteria. He tried to calm down but was still chuckling when he said, “I was actually really scared. Dreams are weird.” He was experiencing the world anew.

“So that’s the first one you’ve ever had?”

“Yes. How can you humans handle being part of something that is completely out of your control? I couldn’t even control my own body.”

“Well, it’s not real, obviously. Otherwise, you would have been eaten by a cookie and you wouldn’t be lying here talking to me.”

“No, I know.” He turned on his side, cupped my cheek and ran his thumb over my lower lip. His eyes were fixated on my mouth. He looked thoughtful and curious. “I guess I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s so confusing.”

When I leaned in to kiss him, he rolled onto his back. I straddled his waist as he unbuttoned my shirt. Pushing it off my shoulders, he said, “I want to look at you.”

“You’ve seen me.”

He laughed. “I want permission to look at you.”

I got up from the bed. “You saw me that night with Keith… or you saw me when you were Keith. And when you were Brooklyn that day. And you saw me last night and this morning.”

“I did,” he said, smiling serenely.

“That night after the concert… I’m not usually like that. I—”

“I know you’re not, Evey. Come here.”

I slowly undressed myself, and then stood next to the bed and removed Lucian’s shirt and jeans. The whole time he watched me with an intensity I had never seen in a person. “You have full permission to look at me now,” I told him.

“I’m literally dying to,” he said, and it was as though a needle had gone coasting across the face of a record. He had put emphasis on the word literally.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he whispered. “Come here.”

“Are you being funny, or are you actually dying? Are you dying so that you can be with me? Is that the sacrifice?” Tears came rushing to my eyes. I was naked and vulnerable, confused and hurting. I had only just met him, but I had known him my whole life. There was so much comfort in being with a person who already knew all of my flaws, but his confession made me feel something I hadn’t felt with him—fear. “Answer me.”

“I don’t know for sure,” he replied.

“I’ll cut my wrists.” I had never said anything like that to anyone. I had never had a suicidal thought.

His eyes went wide. “Stop it, Evey! Don’t say that. Anyway, there are better ways to go.” He tried to make light of it. Tears went running down my cheeks. He pulled me onto the bed and held me. That familiar sensation of feeling safe and loved coursed through me. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny,” he said.

I started to cry full, quiet sobs. “I can’t live without you.”

“You just met me. I’m a terrible drunk. I’m a jerk. I’m a womanizer.”

“That’s not going to work on me. I know what you’re trying to do,” I told him in a strong voice. “You have to take me. You have to take my life.” I couldn’t believe what I was saying. Would I really die for him? I guess I trusted I would be with him if I did.

He stood and covered me with the blanket. “Don’t move. I need to do something.”

“Don’t leave. You said you wouldn’t leave.”

He stood in the middle of the room and looked up at the ceiling. “God, do you see this? God, do you see what’s happening to Evey?” Lucian still focused on the ceiling, nodded as though someone was talking to him. “I know she’s out of her mind. She doesn’t realize it won’t work. I know, God. I have to leave her alone. I know what I have to do.”

“You’re a liar!” I got up, held the blanket to my body and pointed at him. “You’re lying. You said you don’t talk to him and he doesn’t talk to you.”

“Evey, please calm down.” He was sweating. I’d never seen him sweat.

“I think you need to calm down.” He swayed and gripped the table next to him to steady himself. “Lie down with me, Lucian. You don’t look well.”

“I can’t handle you talking the way you were talking.”

I saw the fear in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,” I told him.

He stumbled back to the bed and pulled me down with him. We wrapped ourselves around one another, legs and arms and mouths. I didn’t know anymore where I ended and he began. We were lost in each other. The truth of what was happening was too much for us to think about. All we could do was try to comfort one another.