Lost in La La Land(55)

I regretted and would regret for the rest of my life, not owning my feelings then and there.

I regretted it instantly.

How could I let such a man let go of me and walk away?

How could I be such a spineless weakling?

It was fear.

The same fear that kept Anne silent.

Fear that I was reading more into it than was there. Fear that I was seeing things that weren’t happening. Fear that I had misinterpreted this friendship.

I stayed silent as he let go and turned, lifting his hat and rearranging it on his head, glancing back once and waving.

I waved, wanting too many things from the moment that was slipping from my fingers.

He left and I watched that spot on the driveway for too long. Imagining it all going differently.

That really was the only thing I was good at.





Chapter Twenty-Five


Captain Wentworth met my gaze, offering a seductive smile with a hint of desperation. I smiled politely back, not leaving the room or hinting at a tryst in the hallway. I had a plan.

It was an awful plan but it was all I had.

When Captain Benwick and Louisa had opened up about their feelings, I suggested a trip to Uppercross would be in order for her father to be asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

Harville was heading home. His visit had lingered and his wife missed him.

Then I mentioned to Charles that he should be there when his father gave Benwick consent, as his father might need his word to speak for Benwick. Charles of course agreed, feeling self-important by the advice. He demanded he and Mary return home as well.

Anne suggested going to Uppercross also, pondering if she would be needed to aid Mary with the boys, but I suggested it was I who wasn't feeling well and would require her to remain.

Of course, Cousin William had no intentions of letting Anne out of his sights, not before he got up the gumption to ask for her hand, so he remained also.

The first night of the house being just the four of us was awkward and quiet.

Anne seemed distressed at staying but I wouldn't hear of her leaving.

We ate and I went to bed early. Captain Wentworth snuck into my room, hopeful that I would be interested in some company.

When I explained I wasn't well or feeling the need for company, he left, looking rather defeated.

It was the first phase of killing love.

Several days earlier I’d started something with him, not letting him finish and leaving him sexually frustrated.

I considered sneaking the dreaded cousin into the room to seduce and then have him propose to me also, leaving Anne and Frederick abandoned and sad. But then I came up with a much better plan.

I sent word to my mother of the scandal with Mrs. Clay. I told her that Cousin William had boasted to the men, when he believed no one else was around, that he had indeed seduced Mrs. Clay in the hopes of ruining any possible relations between herself and Sir Walter. I explained that he was coldly hoping to marry Anne but keep Mrs. Clay at his beck and call in London, as a kept woman.

I sent the letter, knowing my mother would refuse Cousin William in every way and the news would reach Anne’s father who would forbid her to marry William. And Anne being Anne, would listen.

It wasn't my greatest plan ever, but it would work, and swiftly.

I slipped the letter to the maid in the night, explaining I needed the utmost discretion as the letter was going to my mother in response to her disapproval of my marrying Captain Wentworth. Of course the maid would tell everyone and the news would get to Frederick.

He would worry that I was distancing myself at the great risk of being cut off from my family.

It was simple. I just needed to spend more time with Anne, which was easy, and less time with him, also easy now that my heart was so inclined to focus on Mike.

The days went by, Frederick seeming more and more impatient with me and even demanding answers when he came to my room in the night.

I’d told him I was feeling unwell still, and that indeed my mother disapproved which was likely the cause of my illness. He left, unsatisfied and brokenhearted. It was awful to witness until the next morning when I caught him and Anne as they took a turn about the garden.

He laughed and nodded, I couldn't hear what it was about, but I knew I had done what I could. They would need to find the love for themselves now.

A letter from my mother, one most hateful and questioning on the rumors of my marrying a sea captain had reached her. She was outraged. I was to come home immediately to answer for the charges and prove my innocence. She had also mentioned that word of Cousin William’s disgusting behavior had been sent to Sir Walter and he was most alarmed at the actions of his own family and the guest of his daughter. He had discovered the truth for himself that Cousin William had indeed set Mrs. Clay up with an apartment already.

When Wentworth and Cousin William went shooting, I packed my bags, acting humbled and distraught.

Anne entered the room, offering a look. “Jane, what is it?”

I handed her the letter.

Her eyes widened as she read, her mouth dropping open. “Jane!”

“I cannot believe Cousin William has fooled us all. Of course he didn't want your father producing an heir with Mrs. Clay. He won her over, her fickle heart.”

“And your mother forbids your wedding?”

“She does. I am leaving.” I lifted my hands to Anne’s, squeezing her trembling fingers. “Do not make the same mistake I have. Tell Captain Wentworth how you feel.”