Lost in La La Land(42)

“Thank you. She was a dear friend.” Her eyes darted to William. “To us both. William was a friend to her late husband.”

In my head I recalled the friendship. William had not done his part with the husband’s will and Mrs. Smith ended up destitute as a result. I wondered what lies he had told to account for actions toward the poor widow. Or lack of action.

“You must be tired. The ride is quite long.” I laughed. “I’m afraid we will never leave poor Captain Wentworth again for fear of the carriage ride.”

Everyone laughed.

Everyone but Wentworth. His eyes burned the way my heart did.

I stepped back once more, allowing for other conversations to spark up about the carriage ride, and edged over to stand next to Wentworth. I let the back of my hand brush against his, trying to tell him I was his. I wondered if it was me trembling or him.

Everyone made their way into the dining room, apart from Anne who went to freshen up. And Mary who went with her.

“It’s a very nice property, Wentworth. I wasn’t unaware this was in your family.” William said it like he meant no harm, but I knew he did. He had all the Elliot countenance.

“My uncle was the one who inherited. He was older than my father. But then he had no heir, so it came to my brother and then me.”

“Quite recently?”

“Yes.” Wentworth was polite, the very essence of a gentleman. Unless we were alone, then he was much more like a caged animal. “Similar situation for you and Kellynch Hall, is it not?”

“Indeed it is. I am set to inherit. Poor Sir Walter, losing his only son as a small child.”

“Was there a son?” Henrietta asked, clearly following along in the conversation.

“Did you not know?” William feigned care.

“How sad. He lost his heir and his wife,” Louisa remarked, also paying close attention.

My eyes lingered on Wentworth’s, hoping he would signal for me to leave the room and meet him in the hall, and he would again tell me how much he loved me.

But he didn't even meet my gaze.

In fact, when Anne and Mary made their way back into the room, his eyes widened with delight, as did everyone else’s.

“Thank you for hosting us all, Captain.” Anne smiled softly, offering a sweet sigh. “It’s a lovely home.”

“Thank you, Miss Elliot. I take it you had an uneventful trip?”

“Yes, very quick trip over. Bath was—”

“Bath.” He chuckled, mocking the city with her in their private joke. “You hate Bath.”

“I hate Bath,” she agreed. “It was busy and damp and my father insisted on visiting with everyone, but at our lodgings. There was no peace.”

“And poor Mrs. Smith.” Louisa put a hand on Anne’s.

“Yes. That was a terrible shock. She’d had a bit of a cold, but it changed, and within a few days she was gone. Her nurse did say she had a weakened immunity of late. Catching every cold that was to be caught.”

“I warned dear Anne, she shouldn't be visiting and risking herself.” William sat next to Anne, placing his hand on the back of her chair. It was a possessive and comfortable pose.

I wanted to roll my eyes but I didn't. I sat stone-faced and watched as they interacted, laughing and eating and drinking.

After dinner, Anne played the piano and they danced. I excused myself, confused by Wentworth’s sudden coldness toward me. It wasn't a mystery, Anne had arrived. His first love. But as his latest love, my feelings were injured by the slight.

I walked to my bedroom and slid the fireplace back, taking a candle and creeping into the secret passageway.

I sat on the stairs and listened to the sounds of music and laughter.

Nothing about the day had turned out the way I’d hoped.

I wondered where the real Jonathan was, not hoping he would come to visit me, but what his life looked like now, what heaven was like.

What my heart looked like up there, tucked away with his.

The heart in my chest, the one being abused by Wentworth, wasn't my whole heart. Pieces of it had broken off and were safely tucked away in heaven with the first man I ever loved.

I told myself the pain in my chest would end. I would get over it. It wasn't whole heart pain. I couldn't possibly really love Wentworth anyway. He wasn’t real and I wasn’t really here, and as many times as I told myself it was real, it wasn't.

I got up and continued below, taking the tunnels down to the main floor.

“Jane!” Wentworth called after me from above. I turned to see him storming toward me. He appeared to be angry with me. “I looked everywhere for you.”

“I didn't think anyone would notice that I’d left.” I wasn't trying to start a fight, but I also wasn't about to pretend things hadn’t become peculiar since Anne arrived.

“I noticed. I simply assumed you would be making your way back to us. It’s been over an hour since you left.”

“I wasn't in the mood to be jovial. Forgive me, my lord.” I curtseyed and turned to walk away, but he grabbed my arm, knocking the candle from my hand.

It blew out on its way down, leaving us in the dim light filtering through the open doors. It was just enough light to see his face, his eyes.

He pulled me to him, roughly, and then softened his grip as his arms swept me up into them. He gazed down on me, cupping my face. “I never received my answer, Jane. I’ve waited all night, impatiently for it.”