Lost in La La Land(37)

“I am. I think the relationship might be salvaged, if I’m to be frank as well. She is a sweet girl who he still loves. If she is coming, perhaps it is time they settle their grievances from the past and rekindle their love.” I was questioning him by offering the answer, hoping he would spill how the captain felt about me.

“And your feelings for him and his for you?”

“My feelings are secondary to Anne’s. She has loved him a long time.” I couldn't believe he would be so bold.

“She never loved him, Miss Jane. Had she loved him, she would have married him, not let herself be led around by others. She’s a fool and if he chooses to be with her after all this time, then he’s a fool too. And if you let him slip through your fingers because of some old romance, then you’re no better.” He tipped his hat and limped away, annoyed with me over something that was out of my control.

“I was married once, before,” I called after him, astonished at his behavior.

He turned with difficulty. “And where is he now?”

“Dead. He died in a fire.”

“And you feel it would be wrong to find love again? Dishonorable even?”

“I don't know. I haven’t given it much thought. I think I searched for my husband, hoping he would haunt me and that was all the focus in my life.”

“And did he?” A flash of humor hit his eyes and lips simultaneously. “Haunt you?”

“He did. I saw his ghost. Here, in fact.” I turned and looked at the house.

“What did he say?” He stepped closer, sounding like he believed me.

“He said goodbye, Captain Harville.” My voice cracked.

“Then you’re free. And my friend has genuine feelings for you, as much as he desperately fears love. His letters spoke too fondly of you for us not to make the trip.”

“You made the trip to meet me?” I wondered what was in those letters.

“To suss out this situation.”

“In case I ended up breaking his heart like Anne?” I was offended and yet understood.

“I can’t watch him go through that again. He was so certain of their love. So certain she would leave with him.”

“And she didn't.” I nodded, sighing. “I adore my cousin, but I understand your apprehension toward me. It’s why I told you I was married before. My trepidation isn’t for anything beyond an old broken heart. There is no one who would advise me nonetheless.”

“Your mother, the viscountess, doesn't have opinions on your marriage?”

“No. She doesn't. I am far past the age where a girl is told who to marry. So long as he’s wealthy, they don't mind. Captain Wentworth has fulfilled that requirement, and now to be the landowner of this fine estate, I can’t see it being an issue. But that isn’t why I would consider him.” I furrowed my brow, uneasy with the topic of conversation.

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

“No, you aren’t.” I laughed. “I think you enjoy making people uncomfortable, challenging them.”

“Beautiful and astute. Interesting.” He tipped his hat and headed back toward the house, leaving me in the garden to mull things over.

I took a stroll to the courtyard and wandered through the heather and arched pathways, thinking too much.

“Jane?”

I turned to find Wentworth calling me.

“I looked everywhere for you. Are you all right?”

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you. Just a little uneasy.” I confessed awkwardly.

“About what?” He walked to me, his riding boots making the only noise in the garden.

“I am confused about Anne coming.” It was a weak and petty confession I hated myself for.

“Why?” He was clearly lost.

“Because I know of your history with her and her feelings for you and it’s all very complex. Yet I do not wish to abandon my cousin in her time of need.”

“You fear we might hurt each other again?” He nodded, contemplating it.

“No,” I whispered with an embarrassed smile. “I fear I might get hurt in the crossfire this time.” My words were barely audible though his eyes widened.

“You’re afraid I would”—he paused, swallowing hard—“I would discount the feelings I suspect we might have for one another because Anne is coming?”

I nodded my response, unable to speak.

His eyes were wide and bright, scared maybe, as he took a step closer, coming into the space I considered too close for a friend to enter. “I am enjoying our friendship. I think had I taken the time as a boy, to get to know the person I was about to ask to marry me, I might have spared myself a great deal of heartache. And now that I know your heart is also part of the equation and it’s not my imagination running away with me, allow me to assure you there is nothing to worry about. Your heart is delicately placed within mine, protected.” His voice trailed off into a whisper as he took another step, coming much too close.

I tilted my face up, staring into his expressive eyes, letting them do the rest of the talking. I parted my lips, exhaling slowly as he lowered his face to mine, pressing his torso against me. His breath tickled my lips, becoming part of the air I breathed as he hovered there.

I lifted ever so slightly, letting myself tilt back more as he came the rest of the way, finally sealing our mouths in a soft embrace. It was easily the most delicate kiss I’d ever experienced until the end when he pressed his lips to mine firmly, before he pulled back.