Lost in La La Land(25)

“I am. It’s been a pleasant trip. My sister adores the house and gardens, it’s . . .” He flinched. “Insensitive of me to be saying that, of course. Forgive me.”

“Nothing to forgive. I’m sure Anne will be grateful that the house is being well cared for and loved. Your sister is a sweet lady. I’m certain it’s an honor to have her there.”

Wentworth’s eyes widened. “Yes, well. I need to be more careful. I would hate to offend either Miss Elliot or Mrs. Charles Musgrove.” He stepped next to me, warming himself by the fire as well. “And are you enjoying your time in the country?”

“Indeed. Very beautiful countryside.”

“It is.” He sighed, perhaps as uncomfortable with small talk as I was. “I haven’t been here in so long. The sea has been my home this many years.”

“Do you miss it?” I asked.

“No. And yes. I love the sea. No sailor worth his salt would dare travel her if he did not. But I am grateful to be ashore.” A grin toyed with his lips or vice versa. “It’s time for me to settle into a real life.”

“Have you found a suitable match then?”

“No. I am at leave to match with anyone who will have me.” He laughed.

“I hope I’m not being too forward in saying this, but Anne has mentioned your prior engagement.” I glanced at him, offering empathy and hopefully friendship instead of obligated flirtation. “I was very sorry to hear it ended the way it did.”

“You and I both.” Wentworth’s jaw clenched. “Her family’s misfortunes have been perfectly timed, if you ask me. I haven’t wished it upon them, but to see such a reversal of fortunes, so to speak, is all the irony I need.”

“But you must still love her.” I couldn’t believe he would be so cold. “Surely there is a chance that the match could be rekindled.”

“Love?” His expression changed from annoyance to anger. I had crossed a line. “Absolutely not.” He bowed. “Excuse me a moment.” He hurried from the room and I felt awful for prying.

He didn’t come back, making it even worse later when we all had to sit at the table and his eyes didn’t meet mine.

The night went by quickly, spent eating and drinking and laughing. When I excused myself to snoop through the back halls once more, in search of the ghost I was haunting, Captain Wentworth cut me off in the hallway.

The tense expression on his face had been drunk away, replaced by a charming smile. The one that made my stomach tense. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. You’ve been nothing but kind to me and I was rude in return.”

“The fault is mine. I pried. I’m sorry.”

“No, you acted as a friend would. You asked me if I loved her, since you wish to see your friends happy. I did.” He walked closer, swaying slightly and leaning on the wall across from me. “In the beginning, all I thought of was being enough for her family. I ignored my heartache and pushed myself, trying to be a man they would approve of. I loved her then.” His eyes glistened, telling me more of the story.

“I know your loss and I am sorry for it.” I wished I could tell him how she still felt.

“How could you? Women cannot know a man’s heart or pain.”

“I was married once. A long time ago.” I couldn’t believe I was speaking of it, I never did.

“Was?” He furrowed his brow and I realized what I’d said. The daughter of Lady Dalrymple was never married, and I wouldn't be called miss if I were.

“In secret. It was an imprudent match,” I lied. “I married in secret and he died before anyone knew.” The lie rolled off my tongue too easily.

“I did not know that.” He scowled. “Though I would not have; I am afraid I have been at sea for far too long to know the comings and goings of the city.” His words turned to a whisper, “I am truly sorry for your loss.”

“And I for yours,” I offered quietly. “Please do not speak of my previous—”

“It will never leave my lips.” He bowed softly. “And I am honored you trusted me with it. What was his name?”

“Jonathan. Jonathan Hartley. He was a lawy—barrister,” I quickly corrected myself.

“If I’m not being too bold, might I ask how he perished so young?”

“Fire.” I told two truths and several lies. Jonathan was never a lawyer but how did you explain PR executive?

“That is a tragedy.” His gaze softened. “You do know my heart, perhaps better than I do.” He pushed off the wall and sauntered down the hallway, away from me.

In the dark I stayed, alone and regretful of the lie I had created in this world. But I was certain I’d done it, I’d changed something, making it my own. I sensed the difference as I was pulled back, home.





Chapter Eleven


I sat in the window, sipping the tea, wishing it were more.

The day.

The tea.

The emptiness inside me.

The companionship.

All of it lacked true and exquisite flavor.

Even my pain was more in the machine. More colorful. More agonizing. More depth.

The tea might as well have been water and the broken heart might as well have been a splinter.