Lost Along the Way(69)
“I hope so. All I know is that I can’t imagine my life without him, and I don’t ever want to find out what that would be like.”
“Then don’t f*ck it up,” Jane said.
“I won’t. I would never do anything to ruin this. Unless he breaks up with me, I plan on being with him forever.”
Meg remembered thinking that the women at the table next to them that night were just jealous because they were old—middle-aged, with crow’s-feet around their eyes, lackluster hair, and fat rolling over the tops of their pants. Now she realized those women hadn’t been middle-aged at all. They were probably the age that she was now. Her younger self had thought they were just a table full of bitter bitches, but that probably wasn’t the case. They were likely just a table full of women who, like them now, had lived through marriages, children, jobs, loss, love, and everything in between, and found it impossibly hard to listen to little girls discuss how they felt old because they were turning twenty-one. God, if she had been sitting at that table, she probably would’ve smacked her younger self in the face. In retrospect, she admired the older women’s restraint.
Meg snapped out of her daydream as the music was turned up a notch and the whole class started counting down the last ten seconds before they crossed the imaginary finish line. She glanced over at Cara and forced herself to refocus on the here and now instead of remembering the life she used to have. When the class ended she unclipped her spin shoes from the spikes on the pedals and made her way to the hallway to change back into her sneakers. Cara soon trailed after her.
“Oh my God, that was amazing! I forgot how good it feels to work out like that.”
“It’s a great class,” Meg said, trying to shake the memory. “You were riding pretty fast for someone who hasn’t worked out in a while.”
“Are you kidding? You kicked my butt! I looked over at you at one point and you were pedaling like a million miles an hour. You’re fired up this morning, huh?”
“I guess so. I just spaced out there for a bit,” Meg said with a shrug.
“What were you thinking about?” Cara asked.
“Nothing,” Meg lied.
“Okay,” Cara answered. “You don’t have to tell me.”
They dragged themselves to Meg’s car, parked a block away on the side of the road, and Meg tried desperately to understand why she’d given up on Steve so easily—why her younger self had been so willing to fight, but the adult version had somehow allowed forever to have an expiration date.
twenty-three
Look at you guys! You look like you had an awesome workout. I’m a little jealous,” Jane said when they returned sweaty and reinvigorated. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV with one of Meg’s photo albums in front of her. “I was thinking of making myself a Bloody Mary. Do you guys want to join me? You worked hard, you deserve a midmorning cocktail.”
“I don’t think I’m ready to break into the alcohol this early in the day,” Meg said. “I’m going to shower and then I actually need to run into town to get a new pie plate.”
“What’s wrong with the five that you have?” Jane asked, only partially teasing.
“I want to make a deep-dish apple pie, and I don’t think any of the ones I have are big enough to hold the filling properly.”
“I don’t know how you sleep at night knowing that,” Jane joked. “It would keep me up for sure.”
“Do you mind if I tag along?” Cara asked. “I’d like to get some fresh air and maybe a new pair of sneakers in town. I’m thinking I might want to go for a run while I’m out here. It’s so beautiful and the weather is perfect. I think it’s time I lace up again.”
“You guys are starting to make me feel bad that I don’t have any desire to exercise,” Jane said.
“Do you want to come to spin tomorrow?” Meg asked. “I think I’m going to go again.”
“I don’t feel that bad,” Jane replied. “I’m happy right here for now!”
“Good!” Meg said. “Cara, do you really want to come?”
“Yeah, I’ll take a quick shower and then let’s go.”
“Sounds good!” Meg said as she turned and made her way to the bathroom to strip off her sweaty clothes. It wasn’t lost on her that in less than forty-eight hours, Cara was starting to get her energy for workouts back and Jane’s sense of humor was returning. They were both starting to heal, but after a full year out there Meg felt no closer to finding her old self than she had been when she arrived. Maybe that Meg is never coming back, she thought as she turned on the hot water and let steam fill her bathroom. Maybe this is as good as it’s ever going to get.
She stepped into the shower and disappeared into the fog.
“Are you sure it’s okay to leave her there? What if we come home and she’s passed out drunk on the floor or something?” Meg asked Cara as they drove through town toward the hardware store.
“She’ll be fine. You know her, she doesn’t believe in moderation. Anyway, we should cut her some slack. If I were her I’d be drinking a little more these days, too.”
“I just don’t want to enable her. It’s not the best way to solve her problems.”