Lost Along the Way(63)

“Yeah, well maybe at some point that was true. At the same time, I’m a grown woman and I’m at least partially to blame. I could’ve stood up for myself from the start, and I didn’t. I don’t know if I was too scared or too worried about what people would think. I guess the reality is that I didn’t want to admit I’d made a mistake. I’m stubborn, and I refuse to quit because it makes me feel like a failure. I figured if I stuck with it, maybe he’d change.”

“Quitting a marriage isn’t like quitting the tennis team. The bottom line is, you can’t change people. Even I know that,” Meg said.

“You never had to.”

“I guess.”

“Listen, it’s none of my business, and I don’t pretend to know what you’ve been through, or how much it hurts, but Steve loves you and it’s pretty clear you’re not out here because you don’t love him anymore. If I had what you have, I’d fight for it forever. Don’t give up on him. Don’t give up on anyone. You deserve to be happy.”

“This is what’s best for me,” Meg said, even though it was blatantly obvious to both of them that she didn’t mean it.

“Best for you? Or what you think is best for him? Either way you’re wrong, Meg.”

“Can we talk about something else, please?” Meg asked. She’d had enough forced reflection for one evening.

“Sure,” Cara said. “Do you have any plans this week?”

“Not really. I’m going to a spin class tomorrow morning, but that’s about it.”

“Really?” Cara asked. “Would you mind if maybe I tagged along with you? Would that be okay? I totally understand if you’d rather go alone.”

“Of course it would be! Remember when we used to go to the Equinox together and then get sushi after? I loved that.”

“Me too.”

“I think you’ll like this one.”

“If it doesn’t kill me. I haven’t worked out in a long time.”

“You don’t look it.”

“Haven’t we all learned that looks can be deceiving?”

“Fair,” Meg said. “Do you need to borrow clothes?”

“If you don’t mind. I didn’t pack any exercise clothes. I don’t even know where most of mine are anymore.”

“It’s not a problem. It’ll be nice to do something together again.”

A knock on the door ended their conversation. Nick and Sebastian were right on time for dinner.





twenty-one


Jane popped a Xanax. It was seven P.M., and she found she enjoyed twilight with a tranquilizer. She was relieved that Nick’s disinterest in her on the beach hadn’t been because he didn’t find her attractive, but because he had no interest in women whatsoever. As much as she hated to admit it, she didn’t have quite the same impact on men as she’d had when she was younger. She wasn’t sure how the signs of aging had crept onto her face without her even knowing it, but when she looked in the mirror in the morning, they were undeniably there: crêpey skin under her eyes, an uneven skin tone, and since she no longer could afford the luxury of regular highlights, wispy strands of gray scattered throughout her once golden-blond hair. Anyway, it didn’t really matter whether anyone was interested in her, because as the girls had so nicely pointed out, she was still married. To a felon.

The Xanax helped with that, too.

“Can I get you a drink, Nick?” she asked. Meg was in the kitchen with Cara, making Jane the head entertainer, which was fine by her. She could pour wine with the best of them. Truth be told, her drinking habits were probably not doing anything to help her appearance, but these days she’d take a cheap bottle of wine over expensive highlights to help her mood without question.

“I’d love one, Jane. Thanks! It smells great in here,” Nick said. Sebastian had scurried over to the carpet in the living room and curled into a tight little ball. Jane thought about the furry, happy golden retriever named Biscuit she’d had growing up. She’d talked to Doug a few times about getting a dog in the city, as she missed the companionship, but he’d emphatically said no. He thought it was cruel to keep an animal confined in a New York City apartment. Her home wasn’t small by New York apartment standards, not even close, but the dog would never get to be outside to run and play the way dogs should. Funny how he thought it would be mean to keep an animal confined to an apartment, but not her. She walked over to Sebastian and gently petted his soft, furry head. For a moment, she envied him. He had a man who loved him, a cozy place on the carpet to nap without worrying about anything, and a home in the Hamptons to boot. The dog had a better f*cking life than she did.

Jane poured wine for the four of them, grabbed glasses for herself and Nick, and walked into the den. Nick threw newspaper into the fireplace and then loaded wood from the pounded copper bucket in the corner on top of it. He pulled a book of matches from the back pocket of his jeans and held the flame to the paper. He seemed comfortable in Meg’s house, and he clearly knew where everything was. Jane realized that Nick was quite at home here, and for a second wondered if maybe he was the person keeping Meg sane.

“How did you and Meg meet?” Jane asked as she sat down on one of the couches and curled her legs under her. She glanced back at the kitchen to make sure that Cara and Meg were still busy with dinner before she spoke. If she was going to have a few minutes alone with Nick, then she was going to try to find out what she could about what Meg had been up to out here by herself all these months.