Lost Along the Way(48)
“That’s how you know you never really belonged in that world,” Cara said. “You just need to take some time and reflect on what’s really important to you. Once you do that I think things will start to fall into place again.”
“The only things that have been important to me for the last few years are my age, my weight, and the number of calories in a glass of sauvignon blanc.”
“You probably should add your checking account balance to that list now, too,” Meg suggested.
“Good point. It’s all pretty ironic, since I’ve never been good at math and yet numbers now seem to define me.”
“Your real friends would love you for who you are. The sad thing is, these new friends you made never even got to know the real you,” Cara said.
“Why do you say that?” Jane asked.
“The Jane I knew would never have spent her free time focused on all this silly stuff. The old you would’ve thought they were annoying. She was pretty great, you know. At least, from what I remember,” Cara said. “You used to care about real things. Sure, you always wanted to be a star, but you were never shallow. You were just . . . ambitious. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Thanks, Cara,” Jane said, genuinely touched. “It means a lot to hear you say that.” Jane had been worried that there was an epic argument brewing under the polite conversation, but maybe she’d been wrong. Maybe everyone was ready to let the past stay in the past and start again.
“That said, pretending to be stupid has kind of been your modus operandi for as long as I can remember, and I guess it finally caught up with you.”
Or maybe not.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jane asked. “I’m not stupid. Why would you say that?”
“I didn’t say you were stupid. I said you’ve been pretending to be stupid.”
“Cara, that’s not a nice thing to say,” Meg protested, in a halfhearted attempt to defend Jane.
“Come on, Jane. You just said you knew those women were a bunch of fakes. How could you not have known that Doug was, too? You chose to ignore the signs. That’s all. You’re like one of those women who knows that something’s wrong with her body but won’t go to the doctor because she’s afraid to hear the diagnosis. It was easier for you to just ignore the warning signs, so that’s what you decided to do. That’s all I’m saying. I’m sure a lot of people do the same thing.”
“Thank you for sharing your opinions, Cara. I would take them to heart a little if you weren’t living in the biggest glass house I’ve ever seen.” Jane knew she was going to have to answer for her behavior, but she’d hoped to delay that for as long as possible. Apparently, as long as possible meant right now.
“I don’t even know what that means. I never did anything to you. You’re the one who just woke up one day and decided to abandon your oldest friends. Don’t get mad at me for bringing it up.”
“You know what? I’m really tired of you telling me that I abandoned you. You two always had your own thing going. You made me feel like the third wheel every time I was around you. Do you know that when I found out that you asked Meg to be your maid of honor and only made me a bridesmaid I cried for hours? Do you have any idea how that made me feel? It was always Cara and Meg with Jane on the side. And you know what? I got tired of it. And now you want to be mad at me for pulling away? You pushed me away, Cara. So why don’t you take some ownership for your role in this?”
Cara’s eyes bulged in their sockets, and Jane remembered why the kids at school used to call her Bug Face behind her back. It was really unfortunate she hadn’t grown out of that. “Wow. I always knew that you lived in a world where you never did anything wrong and were always the victim. How could you possibly expect me to make you maid of honor when you hated, and I mean, hated, the guy I was marrying? You wouldn’t even speak to him! That makes it kind of hard to ask you to stand next to me at the altar.”
“That’s not true! I tried to be a good friend to you. I tried to be happy for you despite the fact that I hated Reed. And, clearly, I had every reason to! You seem to be forgetting the fact that my instincts were totally right!”
“You sent me a card right after I got engaged that said ‘I’m happy you’re finally happy.’ What the hell was that even supposed to mean?”
“It wasn’t supposed to mean anything! I sent you a card! How is that a sign of my not being happy for you? What did you want me to do? Hire a twelve-piece band to play on your doorstep? See, this is the type of stupid stuff I wanted to avoid by eloping. There’s so much pressure on women and their weddings, it makes everyone crazy. I wasn’t being passive-aggressive. The better question is, why were you trying to find problems with everything I did?”
“And at the shower, when people gave speeches, did you or did you not sit there and roll your eyes when everyone spoke? You made it clear you didn’t agree with anything people were saying. I was sitting next to you. Did you honestly think I couldn’t see you?”
“I thought the speeches were stupid. Why did we all need to sit around and talk about how wonderful you are just because you were getting married? It’s redundant. The people at that shower were supposed to be your close friends and family. Of course we thought you were wonderful. We wouldn’t have been there if we didn’t. Forgive me if by the fifth speech I was a little tired of hearing about what a good person you are and what a great wife you were going to make. I was over it. I don’t apologize for that, either. Besides, I gave you a very nice shower gift. And you never wrote me a thank-you note, by the way. If I’d done that to you, you probably would’ve taken it as a sign that I didn’t like your gift or something and been offended by that! There’s no winning with you sometimes.”