Lily and the Duke (Sex and the Season #1)(90)

“Of course not. But there are many out there who are, and with your looks and background, you no doubt attracted them all.”

“I won’t deny it. At any rate, my affair with Amelia continued until my father and Morgan died. Suddenly, I was the duke, with no preparation at all. Frankly, Lily, I was scared to death. So I went to the continent.”

“No one blames you for running.”

“I do. I blame myself. It was cowardly and stupid. But it’s done, and I can’t undo it. I can try to make up for it though.”

“You will. I’ll help you.”

“I know. I can do anything as long as I have you.” He pressed his lips to her chin. “But I want to tell you what I did on the continent.”

“You don’t—” The distress on his face stopped her. “All right.”

“I don’t remember much about the first two months. I was drunk most of the time, and I spent my nights in an expensive Paris brothel. Not my finest hour.” He took a few deep breaths. “One day I woke up and decided to go to the Louvre. Walking around, looking at the works of the great masters, I decided I wanted more from my life. The next day I traveled to the Orient and spent three months at a Buddhist temple studying and praying. I thought about my father and Morgan, and what they would think if they could see what a mess I had made of everything. But you were right, Lily. I didn’t mourn for them. I couldn’t. I turned off my feelings for them long ago, when I was sent away from Laurel Ridge as a boy, to keep from pining for them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get those feelings back.”

Lily kissed his cheek and rubbed his shoulders. “Have you mourned for them yet, Daniel?”

“Yes, I’ve started to, love. They both meant a great deal to me, especially Morgan. He and I were very close as lads.”

“I’ll help you if you need me.”

“I always need you. This is helping me right now, talking to you.” He cleared his throat. “When I left the temple, I traveled to Florence to see more art, and then I spent several months on the beaches of Nice, reading philosophy, sketching, and thinking. Around that time, I sent my mother a letter, apologizing to her for leaving and vowing to be a better person and a better duke. Then I made my way home.”

Lily kissed his mouth chastely, urging him to continue.

“I got home and found my mother and Aunt Lucy planning this house party. Suddenly I was overwhelmed again, unable to bear the thought of being the Duke of Lybrook. I would be the host of the house party, in charge of everything. I would have to make small talk and make everyone feel welcome. My father and Morgan were good at that sort of thing, but not me. Never me. I was still ignorant in the affairs of the estate as well. I wanted an escape, just for a little while. So I sent Amelia an invitation to the house party.”

Lily sighed. None of this mattered now, but she couldn’t help a little jolt of jealousy.

“Are you all right, love?”

“Yes, yes,” she said. “I just can’t abide the mention of her. But do go on.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not proud of my association with her, but I don’t want to have any secrets from you, Lily. I don’t.”

“I know. Go ahead.”

“Amelia came to the house party and I made arrangements to meet her clandestinely on the side of the main house the night of the ball. You’ll never know how glad I am that I caught you instead of her. You changed everything for me. You made me want to be the duke, the best duke I can be. I want to make my father and Morgan proud.”

“You will, Daniel, you will.”

“Amelia came to my chamber that night, but I couldn’t make love to her. I told her to go. All I could think about was you. Your innocent sharpness, the way you felt in my arms when I kissed you, when I danced with you. I felt as though my arms were created to hold you, Lily. I couldn’t sleep that night or eat breakfast the next morning. I was consumed with thoughts of you. No woman had ever affected me like that before.”

“So you and Amelia never…”

“Not since before my father and Morgan died. In fact, after my two months of debauchery in Paris, I was celibate until you.”

Lily choked back a sob.

“No one ever mattered until you. It wasn’t the most romantic way for us to meet, and I never should have taken you to my bed the next day, but it worked out, thank God.” He caressed her cheek. “I’m sorry you had to deal with Amelia. You’ll never know how sorry. I don’t know what she said to you, but if I could make it all go away, I would.”

“It’s all right.” Lily threaded her fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp lightly. “She told me bunches of lies and said if I didn’t back away from you, she’d seduce Thomas. She did try to bed him, he told me, but he resisted her, thank God.”

“He’s a better man than I.” Daniel sighed.

“No, just one who knows what his future holds. You never felt you had a future, did you? I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I can’t help but blame your father for doing that to you.”

“My father was a good man, Lily, and a great duke. He just made a few mistakes in parenting along the way.”

“A few mistakes? You’re very forgiving. We’ll do better by our children, I promise.” Lily touched her abdomen, her insides aching with loss. “I’m so sorry about our child. I wish he were still growing in me.”