Letting Go (Thatch #1)(27)
Pain briefly crossed his face as he shook his head. “Tell me what you want.”
I moved one of my hands up to his chest and dropped my eyes to stare at it. “I want to be selfish enough to ask you to give me everything while I try to figure this out. Figure out how to be okay, how to not be scared, how to completely give myself to you. But I—”
“You’re not the only one who’s struggling, Grey,” he promised. “I’ve felt like I was betraying him for a long time, and I won’t lie to you, a part of me still feels that way. It’s hard knowing what is and isn’t right even though he’s not here anymore, because he was my best friend for most of my life. I’ve hated myself the last two years for not being able to stop loving you when I knew you were in so much pain. But I—I can’t. I can’t stop. I want you, and I want you forever.”
I looked up into his darkened eyes at his words, my mind and heart equally torn. I knew a future with Ben was impossible, and I knew I’d just been blinding myself to what I’d felt for Jagger for who knew how long. But it was also hard to see myself doing this with him; it felt like I was letting Ben go, and that had a panicked feeling battling with my need for the man holding me. The love I’d always had for Jagger, mixed with the love I’d been denying . . . I could easily feel them now that I’d acknowledged my feelings and was here in front of him. But the love was terrifying me, like even my heart knew I wasn’t allowed to love someone the way I’d loved Ben.
Jagger tightened his arms around me when he noticed the battle I was fighting. “You wouldn’t be the only one trying to figure out how to go into this, Grey. I told you I’ll be there for you, and I swear I will. Through every hard time, through every unsure moment, I’ll be there . . . I just want you to be mine.”
I nodded slowly, and a few tears slipped down my cheeks. “I want this. I know that I want you,” I whispered. The words were true, reaffirmed by the warming feeling in my chest, but that didn’t stop a tiny crack from forming in the same place for Ben. “I just hate that after you waited so long I still need to ask you to be patient with me.”
He smiled softly and brushed his thumb across my cheek. “Don’t. I would’ve waited forever for you. I hadn’t been planning on telling you, and I would’ve left you here in Seattle as long as you needed if it weren’t for your brother.”
My eyebrows pulled together. “What did Graham do?”
“He said that you were doing really good here, and asked how I would feel if you found someone else. I knew I had to get here and try to talk to you. I just hadn’t known how much better you would look. I’d already talked to Janie, so I knew you weren’t seeing someone, but when I saw you walk in tonight I just didn’t know how to fight for you when you looked so happy.”
“I told you this was because of you. I haven’t changed that much since I left. They picked out the outfit, made me go to a salon . . . and it was all with the hope that I would see you tonight.”
Jagger’s signature lopsided smile crossed his face, and he looked away for a second. “Yeah, I get that now. I should’ve known what Janie would do when I put her in charge.”
I laughed softly and shook my head in amazement. “You really came here and did all this because you were afraid I would find another guy?”
He didn’t respond, but the slight rise of one eyebrow gave me the confirmation I’d been looking for.
“No one else,” I said softly. “As unfair and horrible as it is for me to say it, I know it would kill me to see you with someone else. I don’t know when I fell in love with you. I can’t look back and remember when exactly it changed for me, only that it has.”
“I don’t care about the when, Grey.” He smiled as he leaned in and placed another deceptively soft kiss on my lips. What seemed so innocent had my legs weakening and my eyelids fluttering shut as I clung to his shirt. “What’s next?” he breathed against my lips when he pulled back.
I blinked slowly, trying to come out of the daze of the kiss. “What do you mean?”
“Are you ready to come back to Thatch, or do you need to stay here longer? Or do you not want to go back at all?”
“No, I want to go back. I just didn’t know how to before. It was easier to run away from it all and then stay gone when I knew everyone had been right. Like I told you, I’m scared. But I’m ready now . . . I’m ready to move.”
“Then let’s move.”
LATER THAT NIGHT, after the gallery had closed, I said good night to Jagger and went back with Janie and Heather to their apartment. They both demanded details as soon as Jagger had gotten us into Janie’s car and walked away, and with all their questions and pleas for me to give them every detail of my reunion with Jagger, I’d still been explaining everything by the time I’d started packing.
“I can’t believe you didn’t go back to his hotel with him!” Heather said in exasperation when I finished, and I shot her a look.
“Uh, why would I have?”
Her eyes widened like I’d missed something huge. “Have you seen that guy? And after you both declared your love and everything, how could you not want to go and explore the rest of what you’ve been missing?”
My hands paused above my bag, and I stared at her in shock. I’d only ever been with Ben, and up until sometime over the last six weeks, I’d been sure I would stay single for the rest of my life. Letting myself admit my feelings to Jagger had been hard enough; sleeping with him . . . well, that just wasn’t something I could think of yet. He and I both knew we had to go slow, we couldn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .