Last Stand (The Black Mage #4)(42)

A casting hovered just beyond each of us, an invisible opponent that knew our instinct like no one else ever could.

A curved sickle sword for me; two hand axes for the prince.

That first winter solstice at the Academy, that day Darren had trained me as my own opponent, it was back with a vengeance. We were battling rage and fighting enemies we couldn’t name. Pain casting against one’s self, it was the ultimate test.

Our cuts rang out like a storm.

Even in the haze, I identified the different attacks by the ring of each blade. Hard and fast, pull and swipe, hook and hack. Recover. Offense. The exchange was as deadly as they came.

I twisted and turned, a complicated pattern of steps.

Then I cut.

Again. And again.

We continued this way for a long time. Two mages battling demons in silence, just the loud clang of metal on metal and the sharp intake of breath whenever we missed.

When I shifted, our eyes met across the way.

Darren’s chest heaved with the effort to fight. The tension in his shoulders rippled across each arm as he swiped and parried two enemy axes hovering just beyond. He jumped and spun, but no matter how he danced, his casting continued to lead an impenetrable assault. I could see it in the tension of his muscles, the way he spun and ducked, the sweat lingering on his chest.

The prince finally spoke. “The ambassador refused our newest offer.” It wasn’t hard to understand his reason for the drill.

Suddenly I was back to hours before, watching as the duke laughed in my face. “It’s not good enough,” Cassius had said. Why, after everything, was nothing I did ever enough?

I can’t save the kingdom from ruin. My blade parried the second phantom sword; the impact rattled my bones.

I couldn’t save my own brother. The vibration was so hard I could taste hot, coppery blood.

And finally, as I ducked to the side, a winning slash of my own. All I have to offer are lies to the one I love.

My casting ceased and the weapons dissipated into thin air. I stood there, dizzy and furious, my head spinning from the loss of blood.

A moment later, the Black Mage joined me. Darren was breathing so hard that I could see the hematite stone rising and falling with his chest.

“You’ve gotten better.”

But not good enough. I stood there, lips pressed firmly closed, refusing to speak. Too afraid of myself. Too afraid of this rage and what it could lead me to say.

“Here.” Darren tore off the sleeve of his jacket, using the coarse brocade to wrap the steady trickle of blood along my wrist and palm. He was so careful and meticulous. I watched his pulse beating out the hollow of his throat.

And then, when he was done, standing there with his eyes locked on my own, I stopped caring about everyone but myself. I reached out and snatched the prince’s wrist, the words tumbling from my mouth. “We should run away.”

Darren’s hand froze midair.

“You and me.” The words were unbidden, and they spoke to the coward I was. “We could leave this whole place behind.”

“Ryiah…” Darren swallowed hard. “Do you have any idea what you are asking?”

My nails dug into his arm. I knew I was hurting him, but I was too afraid to let go. “You told me you never wanted this life. This is your chance. You can be someone else. We can find a ship and let the others sort everything out.”

“I will not leave my brother to fight this war alone.” His reprimand was harsh. “We are war mages, Ryiah. We have a duty to Jerar.”

“What about a duty to us?” Tears were slipping down my face, and I didn’t even care. “Don’t you want to grow old together? To start a family? What will happen if—”

“Ryiah.” Darren drew a sharp intake of breath. “I know you lost your brother and you are afraid of losing others, but running away won’t solve anything. We have to stay and fight.”

“But—”

“The ambassador will come around. And even if he doesn’t, I promise you, I won’t let us lose.” The prince’s tone drew soft and his bloody fingers raised my chin so that his eyes met my own. “Love, I’m not leaving you.”

Yes, you will. I swallowed my choking sob, reality breaking through to my plea. Hysteria and sheer desperation had taken over my control.

Gods, the fairy tales never talked about heroes who chose wrong. I was so lost in self-pity and greed, I had been willing to run away with the prince, even if it meant the villain won. Even if I forsook everyone else.

Darren would never turn on his own. Yet, here I was, ready to give up on the rebels, my family and friends, all because the going got hard, all because I wanted it to be us in the end.

Darren didn’t deserve the likes of me. The others didn’t deserve to rest their fate on the shoulders of a girl so weak.

When I fell asleep that night, it was with the realization that I hated myself.



*

The next morning, I awoke to find the prince sitting on our bed, dressed for a day outdoors instead of another endless battle in the Crown chamber with Duke Cassius and the king.

Darren gave me a half smile as I pushed off against the mattress, staring at him in wide-eyed confusion.

“I have a surprise for you.”

A part of me rebelled; I didn’t deserve anything after the words I had spoken the day before. If I were him, I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with a coward like me.