Keep Quiet(65)

Jake didn’t say anything. She was right, and there was nothing to say.

“You’ll never convince him of anything else, ever,” Pam said, louder. “Even though the law would apportion the lion’s share of the guilt to you, he’ll still feel guilty. And now he feels guilty because you would be the one to go to jail and not him. The kid can’t win!”

“I tried to explain it to him—”

“I don’t know who you are, frankly!” Pam jumped to her feet. “You leave a young girl on the road, dead? You crash your own car? You burn evidence? You lie to the police? You lie to Amy, and to Harold? You lie to me!” Pam snorted. “What a bunch of bull! You made me feel bad because I questioned you with Ryan! You made me feel like I was hurting your getting close to him! You backed me down, you manipulated me, and you lied to me every step of the way! I didn’t raise a liar, but I sure as hell married one!”

“Pam, I know, I’m sorry—” Jake said, then fell abruptly silent when the door opened and Ryan was standing there, his hair wet from the shower, dressed in his gray T-shirt and sweats.

“Mom.” Ryan stood in the threshold, his hand on the doorknob. His eyes were dry, and his forehead smooth and untroubled under bangs so wet they dripped on his shoulders, like raindrops. “You need to let it go now. Dad said he was sorry, and you need to get off his back.”

Jake’s mouth went dry. He knew Ryan was trying to help, but it would only upset Pam more if Ryan intervened and took Jake’s side. “Ryan, it’s okay—”

“Ryan, please, go.” Pam waved him out, agitated. “This is between your father and me. I’m sorry if you heard, but this is between us.”

“I disagree.” Ryan looked from her to Jake, oddly calm. “You were talking about the hit-and-run, and that’s not just between you guys.”

“Ryan, I—” Jake started to say, but Pam cut him off with a chop of her hand.

“Jake, why don’t you let me answer our son? Ryan was speaking to me and questioning what I was doing, and he deserves an answer from me, not you.”

“Fine,” Jake said, tense.

Pam continued sternly, “Ryan, in point of fact, we weren’t talking about the hit-and-run. We were talking about our relationship, about the importance of honesty in our relationship, in our marriage. So you see, it wasn’t something that includes you. It’s not the same issue.”

Ryan blinked, unusually unfazed. “Mom, you sound so much like a judge tonight. Why don’t you let it go? I think you’ve ridden Dad long enough.”

“I don’t.”

“I do.”

“Oh really?” Pam shot back, her tone sharpening. “Ryan, it’s not your place to tell me how to talk to my husband, even if he’s your father.”

“I can have an opinion.”

“No, actually, you can’t.”

“I can’t have an opinion?” Ryan snorted. “Are you serious right now?”

“Okay, you can have an opinion, but it’s not one I need to heed or even hear. You have no standing.”

Ryan pursed his lips. “Mom, why are you being such a hypocrite to Dad?”

“I’m not being a hypocrite!” Pam glared at Ryan. “How dare you say such a thing to me!”

“Mom, if you think honesty is so important in a marriage, then why don’t you tell Dad about Dr. Dave?”

Jake wasn’t sure he heard Ryan correctly, for a second.

“Ryan!” Pam barked, angry. “What are you talking about?”

Jake held his breath, betwixt and between again, knowing and not knowing.

Ryan gestured, grandly, toward Jake. “Go ahead, Mom. Tell Dad about Dr. Dave. Tell him the truth. I could tell him, but I want you to. I want to know if I was raised by a liar.”

Jake felt something give way inside his chest. He kept his eyes on Ryan, who stood motionless, because he couldn’t bring himself to look back at Pam. He didn’t want to know what she looked like right now, being confronted with an accusation. He didn’t want to see her deny it, or admit it. It had never occurred to him before, but as soon as it was given voice, he realized it couldn’t be otherwise. Because Ryan never lied, not until Jake had taught him to.

“Mom.” Ryan hesitated, evidently waiting for Pam to say something, but she didn’t. “Honesty is important in any relationship, isn’t it? What about your relationship to me? Why don’t you tell me what happened with Dr. Dave?”

“Nothing!” Pam said, but her tone didn’t sound as strong.

Jake still didn’t look at her.

“Nothing? Really, Mom?” Ryan grew preternaturally still. “Dr. Dave’s married, too, you know. So tell me, do you know the difference between right and wrong? Does he? Because I heard you on the phone with him, when you came to pick me up after practice. It was sophomore year, I forgot my French book and I had to go back inside, to my locker. Then I realized I had it with me, so I came around the corner and I heard you on the phone with Dr. Dave. I think it was Dr. Dave, but it was definitely somebody named Dave. Because you said, ‘I miss you, Dave. I love you.’”

Pam gasped.

Jake didn’t turn around. His body felt suddenly stiff, as if he were getting ready to absorb a blow, his muscles bracing for impact in a collision that had already occurred. It was his own personal hit-and-run, taking place not on Pike Road, but in his very home.