Keep Quiet(57)

“Yeah,” Ryan answered, weakly.

“Why don’t you wake up? We need to talk.”

“Leave me alone. Can’t I sleep?” Ryan’s eyes closed again.

“No, we need to talk.” Jake rubbed his arm again, to get him going. “Why didn’t you go to Western Civ? Your mom found out from the Parent Portal that you missed your test.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’ll tell her that I was throwing up again.”

“No, you can’t do that. Because I told her that I saw you during lunch and you seemed fine.”

“What?” Ryan frowned, opening his eyes. He rose sleepily and propped himself on his elbow. “Why did you do that? She never had to know.”

“I didn’t tell her. Amy did. Mom called my office.”

“Oh no.” Ryan rubbed his face, leaving reddish streaks, and sat up.

“Why didn’t you go to class? You said you were going to.”

“I was going to.” Ryan met Jake’s eye, pained. “I went to my locker and got my books, and I was about to go in, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the pictures and that night, and now someone’s blackmailing us. It’s just so bad. It just keeps getting worse and worse.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Jake squeezed him on the shoulder. “I know, it’s a lot to deal with, but that’s why you have to let me deal with it.”

“What happened with the blackmailer guy?”

“It’s all in order. I have the money and I’m giving it to him tomorrow.”

Ryan’s eyes flared in alarm. “Dad, be careful. Are you meeting him somewhere? He could have a gun.”

“He’s coming to my office, and I’m in no personal danger.” Jake squeezed his arm again. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. You have to do your thing at school. You can’t be missing these classes. It’s not good for you and it’s too hard to explain. You went to practice, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but I screwed up there, too.” Ryan shook his head. “I sucked so bad. It’s like I forgot how to shoot.”

“Oh no.” Jake’s heart went out to him. It killed him to think that his son was getting so derailed. “It’ll come back. You’re just upset now, is all.”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m going to start next game. It’s a shit show.”

“Watch your language,” Jake heard himself saying, out of an impulse to control something, somewhere, to hold a line against chaos, but misplaced. “It’s okay.”

“No, you’re right.” Ryan slipped off his hood and rubbed his hair front and back. “I gotta man up. Coach is starting to look at me funny, and Dr. Dave’s all up in my grille.”

“Dr. Dave? What does he have to say?”

“He thinks I’m depressed.”

“Did he say that?”

“No, but I can tell. He hints around.”

“You’re not depressed.”

“I know that. I told him that.” Ryan shook his head. “If he knew what was going on, believe me, he’d understand.”

“Yes he would. But he can’t know what’s going on.”

“I know that, Dad.” Ryan hit a key on his open laptop and the screen came to life, showing the front page of the local newspaper. “I was reading about Kathleen and her mom. The mom got her a job at this IT company where she’s a web designer, and they seem really close.” Ryan scrolled down, so a photo of Kathleen appeared next to one of her mother. “They’re both really pretty, aren’t they? They have the same smiles and eyes, like the shape is the same.” Ryan pointed at the photos. “See what I mean? I think they had a hard life. Janine Mae told me Kathleen’s mom and dad got divorced last year, and there was a big custody trial over her, that’s why the mom moved here from Seattle.”

“Ryan, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be thinking about her, so much.”

“This is the company where they worked.” Ryan scrolled down to a group photo. “So many people liked her and her mom. They interviewed them in the paper, you should see the stuff they said. They were super tight and they were always laughing, and the people they work with put up their own money for the reward and the company matched it, even this little company of, like twenty-five people, they put in their own money—”

“Ryan, stop.” Jake glanced at the laptop. “I don’t want you to keep researching her online.”

“I know, but I can’t help it, Dad. I try not to, but I just can’t help it. It’s all anybody at school’s talking about.” Tears brimmed in Ryan’s eyes, which were bloodshot. “Janine Mae was crying in school, Dad. She was crying about her best friend from the track team, who I killed. What if she found out it was me? She would hate me, I hate me—” Ryan’s voice broke, and Jake leaned over and gave him a hug.

“Ryan, no, don’t. I know it’s hard now, but it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this together.”

“Dad, I don’t know, it’s like she’s always on my mind. I keep thinking about her, like that blackmailer said, like she’s my destiny or something.”