Instead of You(21)

“Oh,” I said quickly. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry, Mr. White. Mr. Wallace.” I met his eyes when I said his name and I watched that muscle in his jaw tick again.

After a moment thick with so much tension it felt like a rubber band, stretched so thin it would snap at any moment, stinging and snapping against my skin, I turned and went back to my desk.

As I walked through the room, I was sure everyone could hear my heartbeat pounding, loud like a bass drum, thumping wildly.

“Okay, class,” Mr. White said a few seconds after the bell rang. “Quiet down.” He waited a few moments for everyone to settle in their desks and for the whispers to die down. Hayes was four years ahead of Cory and me, so the last time we were all in the same school was when I was in first grade. That was not to say that people in my grade didn’t know who he was; especially the female demographic. Hayes was practically high school legend. Him and his Mustang. Anyone who had a slightly older brother or sister had a pretty good idea of who Hayes was, and who his little brother was, too. “Class, I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Wallace. Some of you may already be aware of the fact that Mr. Wallace, here, is the brother of our recently deceased student and friend, Cory. And although this is a very sensitive situation, I wanted to head any rumors off.” His eyes did a sweep of the room, landing quickly but effectively on every student in the class. “He will be your acting teacher for the rest of the term. He is completing the last requirement for his teaching degree, and due to unforeseen circumstances, it must be completed here, in our classroom.”

At his words, a few whispers flitted through the room. Mr. White cleared his throat again, silencing the class once more.

“I will be here to supervise, but all questions, concerns, and communications about the course should go to Mr. Wallace first.”

With that, Mr. White stepped aside and swung an arm out to Hayes.

“Thank you, Mr. White,” Hayes said first, giving Mr. White a tiny, unenthused smile. “I’m really glad to be here,” he said, turning to the class. “As Mr. White mentioned, I am Cory’s older brother.” A somber silence fell over the room, but Hayes went on. “I recognize a few of you, but I’m glad I’ll get the chance to get to know you all a little better. I’ve been at Central Florida University for the last four years. I’ve got my bachelor’s degree in history, and as Mr. White mentioned, I’m working on the last piece of my master’s degree and teaching license. At the end of this semester, I’ll be a licensed high school history teacher. So, you’ll all be learning along with me.” He gave a nervous laugh, and the class responded with their own laughter. I couldn’t help the tiny smile that pulled at my lips. Then, suddenly, a new emotion crept through me—pride. Hayes had gone off and seemingly conquered the world.

“So, it looks as though we are going to spend the first part of the semester covering the Second World War,” Hayes said, and I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of excitement in his eyes as he said the words, even though a groan erupted from the students.

I spent the next hour watching Hayes in a whole new light. He wasn’t the quiet, sullen guy I’d always been around. He was sure of himself, he was smart, and he was eager to teach all of us. It was refreshing and new, and totally distracting from everything that had plagued me all day long. The only thing that wasn’t different was the pull I felt to him. If anything, watching him as a capable man only made him that much more attractive. So, it was no hardship to sit in that room for an hour, my eyes glued to his every movement, every gesture, and every single part of him.

The worst part was, however, that even though my eyes were glued to him, his eyes never once returned to me.

When the final bell of the day rang out, I practically ran for the door. I didn’t stop to wait for Holly or Becca, I did nothing except make my way to the bus that would take me home, find an empty seat, curl into the window again, and try to figure out how I was going to finish the year having to look at Hayes every single day.



When I made it home, an empty house greeted me and I was relieved. I needed a little time to decompress, to fool myself into thinking I could handle having Hayes as my history teacher for the rest of the year.

The selfish part of me, which I had realized was a much larger part of me than I had known, was hoping Hayes would leave town soon. That he’d disappear into the same oblivion he had four years ago and all the confusing feelings would disappear, allowing me to mourn my boyfriend without the distraction of him. I kept telling myself that as soon as Hayes left, all the confusing feelings would disappear and I’d be able to see the truth again, I’d be able to remember how much I liked being with Cory and how content I’d been with him.

But then that nasty and sneaky part of my brain would surface and compel me to believe that even after Hayes left, I’d never stop wondering why I had those needy feelings in the first place. Something told me that even if Cory were alive and Hayes had returned, I’d still want him, and that even if I could convince myself to never act on those feelings, I’d never be able to force myself to love Cory like he loved me.

I went straight to my bedroom, closed the door, shut the curtains, and slipped under the covers of my bed, and surprisingly managed to fall asleep almost instantly.



When I woke, the first thing I noticed was it was much darker. The sun had obviously set. The second thing I noticed was the sound of my phone ringing in my backpack. I got to my phone just in time to see I’d missed a call from my mom. Her phone call meant she wasn’t home, so I listened to the quiet house to see if I could hear my dad, but there was nothing. A ping from my phone told me I had a text.