I'm Thinking of Ending Things(39)

Regardless, alone in there all night, especially in such a big school. It is a creepy job. I look back at the school, dark and quiet, like inside the car.

The only book Jake has given me, and he gave it to me about a week after we met, is called The Loser. It’s by this German author, somebody Bernhard. He’s dead now, and I didn’t know about the book until Jake gave it to me. Jake wrote “Another sad story” on the inside cover.

The entire book is a single-paragraph monologue. Jake underlined one section. “To exist means nothing other than we despair . . . for we don’t exist, we get existed.” I kept thinking about what that meant after I read it. Another sad story.

I hear an abrupt metallic clang from somewhere to my right, from the school. It startles me. I turn toward the sound. Nothing but the swirling snow. No sign of movement or light, beyond the yellow flood. I wait for another sound but it doesn’t come.

Was there movement at the window? I can’t tell. I definitely heard something. I’m sure I did.

The snow is everywhere. It’s hard to see the road we came in on. It’s only about fifty yards or so away. It’s frigid in here. I instinctively put my hand up in front of the vent. Jake turned the car off. Took the keys with him. He did it without thinking.

Another loud clang. And another. My heart skips ahead, beating faster, heavier. I turn and look out my window again. I don’t want to look anymore. I don’t like this. I want to go. I really want to go now. I want this to end. Where is Jake? What’s he doing? How long has he been gone? Where are we?

I am someone who spends a lot of time alone. I cherish my solitude. Jake thinks I spend too much time alone. He might be right. But I don’t want to be alone now. Not here. Like Jake and I were talking about on the drive, context is everything.

There is a fourth bang. It’s the loudest yet. It’s definitely coming from inside the school. This is stupid. It’s Jake who has to work in the morning, not me. I can sleep in. Why did I agree to this? I shouldn’t have come with him. I should have ended things long ago. How did I end up here? I shouldn’t have agreed to visit his parents, to visit the house he grew up in. That wasn’t fair. But I was curious. I should be home, reading, or sleeping. It wasn’t the right time. I should be in bed. I knew Jake and I weren’t going to last. I did. I knew from the beginning. Now I’m sitting in this stupid, freezing car. I open my door. More cold rushes in.

“JAAAAAAAKE!”

No answer. How long has it been? Ten minutes? Longer? Shouldn’t he be back by now? It happened so fast. He was obsessed with confronting that man. Does that mean talking to him, or yelling or fighting or . . . ? What’s the point?

It is almost like Jake is upset about something else, something I’m not aware of. Maybe I should go in and look for him. I can’t wait here in the car forever. He told me to stay here. It was the last thing he said.

I don’t care if he’s mad. He shouldn’t have left me out here all alone. In the dark. In the cold. Thinking of ending things. It’s crazy. We’re in the f*cking middle of f*cking nowhere. This is really unfair and shitty. How long am I supposed to sit here?

But what else can I do? I don’t have many other options. I have to stay. There’s nowhere to walk to from here. It’s too cold and dark, anyway. There’s no way to call someone, because my stupid phone is dead. I have to wait. But I don’t want to just sit here in the cold. It’ll just keep getting colder. I have to find him.

I turn around and run my hand along the floor behind the driver’s seat. I’m trying to find Jake’s wool hat. I saw him put it there when we first got into the car. I feel it. It’ll be a bit big for me, but I’ll need it. I put it on. It’s not too big. It fits better than expected.

I open the car door, swing my legs out, and stand up. I shut the door without slamming it.

I move slowly toward the school. I’m shivering. All I can hear are my feet on the pavement, crunching snow. It’s a dark night. Dark. It must always be dark out here. My breath is visible but evaporates around me. The snow is falling on an angle with the wind. For a few seconds, a moment, I’m not sure how long, I look up at the sky, all the stars. It’s unusual that I can see so many stars. I would have assumed the storm would bring clouds. Stars. Everywhere.

I get up to the school window and peer in. I visor my eyes with my hands. There are blinds, from floor to ceiling. I can’t see anyone through the cracks. It looks like a library or an office. There are bookshelves. I knock on the cold glass. I look back at the car. I’m about thirty feet from it. I knock again, harder this time.

I see the green garbage can. I walk over to it and remove the lid. Jake was right. It’s half full of beige salt. I replace the lid. It doesn’t fit. It’s dented and warped. I can’t go sit in that car again. I have to go look for Jake. I walk toward the side of the school where Jake went. I can still make out his steps, barely.

I was expecting to find a play structure out here. But this is a high school; they wouldn’t have one. I turn the corner, following Jake’s path. I begged him to stay in the car with me. We don’t have to be here.

I see two green Dumpsters up ahead, and beyond them, more darkness, fields. Those must be the Dumpsters where he got rid of the cups. Where is he?

“Jake!” I call, walking toward the Dumpsters. I’m feeling uneasy, skittish. I don’t love it here. I don’t like being here alone. “What are you doing? Jake? JAAAKE?”