I Stand Before You (Judge Me Not #2)(51)

In a very-pleased tone, she says, “Thank you, Chase.” Her words are soft and quiet, accepting, happy.

She folds the drawing and slips it back in the book. And I know that she knows, she f*cking knows. I see it in her eyes, the smile she’s trying to hide. She knows I see her as much more than “pretty.” To me, she’s f*cking beautiful.

I hand her one of the cans of soda and suggest we get started on picking out a movie. Once we’re back in the living room, we debate, all in fun, over what to see. I tell her to make the final choice. I assume she’ll choose one of the chick flicks she was pushing for, but she picks an action film. I’m quite certain she chooses that one because she thinks I’ll like it, which is sweet, but I don’t really care. I’ll watch anything with my girl.

Besides, I can barely pay attention. I’m entirely too preoccupied, trying to figure out what’s really going on with us, ’cause there most definitely is something happening here. And whatever it’s been up to this point, it just grew more powerful this evening.

I can no longer deny this “something” that’s been building between us for weeks, and it feels bigger than the both of us. It’s like I’m caught up in a current, a current of destiny. And, frankly, I’m losing my will to swim against it.

That little realization tells me what I’ve known—but resisted—all along: friendship will never be enough. Not for either of us.

We start out on opposite sides of the couch when we sit down to watch the movie, but it’s like we’re subconsciously drawn to one another as the show progresses. There’s some space between us at the moment, but not a lot. Kay is sitting kind of sideways, leaning toward me with her legs tucked up under her. I am leaning to my left, in her direction. I didn’t move closer to her on purpose, nor do I think she did to me. We just seem to gravitate to one another.

See, destiny, my heart tells my stubborn brain. My brain shoots my heart the finger. But my heart just laughs, smug, confident it will win in the end. And I kind of want my heart to win, but there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t.

First of which, Kay has only ever seen one side of me, the good side, the side that is laid back most of the time, the side that is flirty and fun, generally nice. But there’s darkness in me too, I am still f*cked up. Her sweet soul couldn’t begin to fathom the many demons I still battle—my night with Missy, case in point. Kay would surely be disgusted if she learned of the things I did with the head of the bake committee, her sort-of friend that she wants me to sit beside if I lose our stupid bet. Fuck. And what would sweet girl think if she knew just how much I craved the coke Missy had in her purse that night? Kay has no idea what those cravings are like, how they all come back to you when temptation is near, sometimes like they never even left. My girl has never craved oblivion and destruction the way I have; she’s too good for those kinds of f*cked-in-the-head thoughts.

It was a fight that night not to use—it is a fight. Not every day, but it is there, lurking under my skin, waiting for something big enough to push my resistance all the way down to giving in. Really, I don’t know if the battle to never use drugs again will ever be completely won. And it’s not fair to drag Kay onto that battlefield. I don’t want her to end up battered and bruised, caught up in a fight that’s not even her own.

I abruptly straighten, suddenly feeling shameful and undeserving. I lean away from Kay, put my elbow up on the armrest. She glances my way and gives me a lazy smile, like I’m someone special. Too bad I am nothing even close to special.

Kay untucks her legs and stretches them out in front of her. “Yeah, I have to readjust, too,” she says, completely misinterpreting my move away from her. “I think my right foot fell asleep, like, twenty minutes ago.”

She smiles again and I try to smile back.

What am I going to do? I may be in control tonight, but my resolve is clearly crumbling. This back-and-forth shit is tearing me to pieces. My feelings for Kay are turned, twisted, and jacked. Fuck, my girl deserves so much more than me, but me is what I long to give her. How do I stop whatever is developing between us when I really don’t want to anymore? How do I fight f*cking destiny? Do I keep resisting?

My heart tells me the answer is simple: Quit resisting.

But will I ever be what Kay deserves? I ask back.

My heart tells me it doesn’t matter, Kay gets me, she already accepts the man I am, imperfections included.

I relax a little. I decide to go with the flow, for now, and pray my heart can keep us both from getting hurt.





Chapter Six


Kay


Tuesday is everything I love about summer: baby-blue skies, high clouds, and warm morning sun. An anemic ray struggles to stream through my basement apartment window. It almost reaches the spot where I stand. I step closer and closer, until warmth finds my upturned face. I stop, I bask.

My heated cheeks remind me of someone who has this same effect on me, someone who’s fast becoming my own personal ray of sun. And that man—my badass-artist boy, my contradiction, Chase Gartner—is occupying my thoughts more and more.

Last night was fun, watching the movie with my complicated friend. He puzzles me though. Sometimes it’s impossible to discern what he’s thinking. Does he like me more than a friend? Does he think I’m pretty? I like him, so these things carry importance. However, last night I think I may have finally received an answer in the sketch he drew of me.