I Stand Before You (Judge Me Not #2)(41)

A few of those he shares.

But he paints in broad strokes, giving just an overall picture, leaving out details, like how he really felt about everything that was happening.

Chase mentions that he, his mom, and his brother lived on the road for a while, after his dad died and their house was repossessed. At some point his mom won some money and the three of them finally moved into an apartment.

That’s it, that’s what he says. All nonchalant, like it was no big deal he lived in a minivan with two other people for a while. Or that it was acceptable his mother spent much of her time in casinos, leaving Will in Chase’s care, and giving her eldest far too many opportunities to get into trouble. Some of which I know all about, like his drug use.

That’s what he talks about now, albeit briefly.

Chase touches on the fact that he once used, and though it’s only a mention, I appreciate his honesty on the subject. Despite his downplayed version of events, it’s very apparent drugs once played a huge role in his life. I also sense Chase is uncomfortable talking about drugs and the role they once played. After his first few remarks, he quickly changes the subject. So quickly in fact that it tells me a part of this man still battles to stay clean.

We’re both quiet for a few minutes, and I assume Chase is done talking, but then he mentions his brother. His whole face lights up when he talks of this Will-kid. But when he mentions how he had to leave Vegas, leave Will, back when he was eighteen, Chase’s expression saddens.

He tells me when he returned to Harmony Creek the hardest part was leaving his brother back in Vegas with their mom. Chase didn’t want to come back, his mother made him. He doesn’t say it outright, but I can tell Chase still misses his brother very much, even after all these years.

I ask Chase to tell me more, hoping for a happy story. In a weird way hearing about his little brother makes me feel better about Sarah. Even though I will never again be someone’s older sister, Chase sharing his older-sibling perspective comforts me. And the obvious depth of his love for his brother reminds me of how very much I once loved Sarah. I still do, but that love is static, unchanging. Chase’s relationship with his brother is the opposite, it’s ever-changing. Mine with Sarah will forever stay stuck in place. Their relationship is dynamic, full of life.

My heart needs life. I’ve been immersed in death for far too long, and I yearn to soak up any stories Chase has that celebrates living. So that’s exactly what I do when he shares this happy tale…

“Will,” Chase laughs, reminiscing. “That kid was so uncoordinated when he was younger. Shit. And funny as hell.” He pauses, smiles this really genuine smile that makes me grin right along with him. I don’t care if I’m living vicariously; at least I’m living again.

Chase continues, “But Will was always too stubborn for his own damn good. Still is, in fact.”

A flash of pain crosses Chase’s face when he utters that last sentence. It tells me there’s a rift between him and his brother. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out it probably has a lot to do with Chase going to prison. I don’t pry though. I just let Chase talk. And soon he’s wrapped up in telling me about a time he and his little brother were catching lizards in the backyard of their house in Vegas, the one that got repossessed.

“God, Kay, it was so funny.” Chase chuckles. “Will was probably around five, I don’t know, maybe he was six. Anyway, there were always these lizards in our backyard, tons of them, little guys, all brown and skinny. Kind of cute, though, you’d like them. They run like crazy when you get too close. But they’re harmless. They don’t bite or anything and you can catch them if you’re fast enough.”

“I bet you were fast,” I muse, biting my lip. Just looking at Chase—all lean and streamlined—you just know he’d be quick.

Chase smiles at me, like he knows what I’m thinking. He probably does, he seems intuitive like that.

“I guess I was fast.” He shrugs. “But my brother sure wasn’t.”

Chase sits back in the booth and presses his lips together, like he’s suppressing another laugh. “That poor kid couldn’t catch a single lizard that day. I’d already caught, like, a couple dozen in less than an hour, and I was hardly trying. Will, though…” Chase shakes his head. “He couldn’t catch a single one.”

“Why not?” I ask. “Was it because he was so much younger?”

“Nah,” Chase says, “that wasn’t it. His friends always caught plenty when they were over. Will was just too impatient, and he couldn’t judge distance for shit. Every time he spotted one—like, after bunches ran past without his even noticing—he’d jump at the poor sucker like some kind of a maniac. Then, in all that haste, he’d trip right over his own two feet and fall on his ass.”

I try to imagine this cute little kid running around a backyard in Vegas, stumbling around, while trying so hard to keep up with his much more coordinated older brother.

“So, what happened? I bet you felt bad and caught one for him.”

“No, no way.” Chase pauses. “I mean, yeah, I felt bad, but Will would never have gone for me catching one for him. He had to do it himself. Otherwise, it was like it didn’t count. He was like that with everything.” Chase takes a breath and the smile in his blues warms me. “So, I sat there and waited, slowly let go of all my lizards as the day came to an end. I thought maybe Will would catch one of those. But no, that kid didn’t even notice them running off. He just chased other random lizards around the yard until it finally got dark.”