How (Not) to Fall in Love(80)

“I’m coming, Dad,” I whispered. “I promise.”





Chapter Thirty-One


December 18


I tiptoed quietly down the hall, not wanting to wake Mom. In such a small house, it was a lot harder to sneak out undetected. In the kitchen, I filled a trash bag with dog food while Toby danced with excitement, his nails clicking on the linoleum.

“Shh, Toby. Sit.” He sat, tail swooshing silently across the floor. “You’ve never gone on a road trip like this, buddy. I need you to be my copilot, okay?” Leash, Scooby treats, a giant Tupperware bowl for water. We were ready.

Writing a note was difficult. Whatever I said, Mom would flip out. So would Charlie and Lucas. Liz might be the only one who wouldn’t. Guilt overwhelmed me, especially as I looked at our Christmas tree lights twinkling in the early morning darkness. But Dad’s absence had hit me harder than ever last night. I couldn’t face going into a brand new year without him.

Somehow I knew I could find him. I believed it deep in my soul, as much as I’d ever believed anything. It was like I could feel him calling to me. But I had to go by myself.

I feared that if Dad saw Charlie, who he hadn’t spoken to in years, or Lucas, who he didn’t even know, or Mom, whose life had fallen apart when he left, it would be too much for him. Seeing anyone but me could crack whatever shell might be protecting him. I imagined him as a terrified child, hiding somewhere, waiting to be found.

Dear Mom,

Please don’t freak. Don’t call the cops or send out a search party. I’m safe. I have Toby with me for protection. I’ll be back soon, and Dad will be with me when I return. I’ll call you from the road.

Love, Darcy.

I wandered into the living room for one last look at the tree before I left. I knelt down and inspected the pile of presents. I looked for Lucas’s handwriting on the gift tags. He wasn’t kidding about the twelve days of Christmas; it looked like half the packages were from him to me. A heavy weight settled in my chest as I remembered how he’d stormed out of the house last night, too angry to even say good-bye. I picked up a small jewelry-sized box from him, hesitated, and then shoved it in my pocket.

Toby nudged me and I rose to my feet. In the kitchen, I grabbed another grocery bag and filled it with granola bars, chips, crackers, and a jar of peanut butter.

Toby squeaked out a “Let’s go!” bark.

“Hush!” I whispered. “Don’t wake Mom.”

This was it.

The full moon lit up the truck bed as I tossed in our supplies. I craned my neck to look at the stars, sending a wish to the universe. After I slid into the truck, I glued the ninja salt and pepper shakers to the dashboard. Like I’d told Charlie, it was time to prove my hero potential. Plus, I figured a good luck charm couldn’t hurt.

Popping the truck into neutral, I rolled the truck quietly down the driveway so Mom wouldn’t hear us leave. Toby hung his head out the window, tail beating furiously against my arm.

I drove by Lucas’s duplex, which was dark. “Forgive me,” I whispered. “I love you. But I don’t need a knight in shining armor with me this time.”

I drove in the dark, listening to country music on the pathetic AM radio. I wanted to plug my headphones into my iPhone and listen to my playlists, but I knew I’d be inundated with calls and texts once everyone woke up. So I stuck with the radio, leaving my phone powered off.

By the time I got to Casper, Wyoming, it was a little after nine a.m. My stomach growled with hunger and nerves. I pulled off the highway to gas up the truck and get food.

I’d sent an email to Charlie, Liz, and Sal before I left since I hadn’t wanted to wake them with pinging text messages. The email said, “Sorry to do it this way, but I need to do this by myself. I’ll be fine. DO NOT call the police. I have food and money. The truck is in great shape, thanks to Lucas. Also I have Toby to protect me.”

Lucas received a separate email: “Thank you for everything. You’re amazing. I’m sorry to leave this way, but I have to do this alone. I don’t know if you understand why, but I hope I can explain it better when I get home. I love you, Lucas. So much it hurts.” It was the first time I’d actually said the words to him, even though he’d said them to me, more than once. I hoped this counted, even though it was virtual instead of face-to-face.

Toby scarfed down his food and water in the truck bed while we waited for the gas tank to fill. I sat on the edge, swinging my feet and rubbing my gloved hands briskly to warm up. It was oddly peaceful sitting in the cold wind. Dad always said the “W” in Wyoming stood for windy. I watched cars fly up and down the highway. I felt free. I’d never traveled anywhere alone. Even though I worried about what kind of shape Dad would be in once I found him, it was still liberating to be doing this on my own.

He’d be okay. Whatever fog he was under would lift as soon as he saw me. I had to keep telling myself that, even though J.J.’s words echoed in my mind: “Don’t you think he would’ve come home by now, if you were enough?”

After a quick pit stop in a McDonald’s bathroom, I bought Egg McMuffins and we hit the road again. I planned to make it to Montana today. It was about two hundred miles from Casper to the henge just across the Montana border. I hoped the truck was up to the challenge. My plan was to drive no more than the speed limit. However, the speed limit was fast up here—seventy-five miles per hour— and the Grim Reaper preferred about sixty miles per hour. Maybe I’d putter along in the right lane and let everyone pass me.