How It Feels to Fly(33)

Katie meets my eyes. There are tear tracks down her face.

“Can you turn to face me?”

She pivots on the beam, biting her lip. She takes my hand.

“We’ll go sideways. Hold on to me, and don’t look away. Feel with your feet.” I don’t know where this new version of me is coming from—this take-charge, calm-in-a-crisis, comforting person. I just know that it’s who I have to be, right now, for Katie.

We inch toward the platform where the others are waiting. Katie’s eyes bore into mine. Her fingers grip my wrists.

Now I’m crying too. I look over my shoulder. “We’re close.”

Katie nods.

Finally I feel my left foot hit the solid platform. I step up and pull Katie up after me. Katie collapses, wailing, into Dominic’s arms. He looks a little freaked out at the wave of emotion, but he pats her on the back. “Hey, you did it,” he tells her. “Good job. Good hustle.”

Zoe is pacing on the tiny platform, confined not only by its size but also by the fact that she’s hooked up to the cable, ready to zip-line. She looks furious.

“Are you insane?” she yells at Andrew and Yasmin, who are crossing the beams, and then at Dr. Lancaster, who’s waiting on the ground. “You know she has a thing about balance beams and you make her go on, like, the King Kong of balance beams? How are you even allowed—”

“Zoe!” Dr. Lancaster calls, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Enough!”

“This place isn’t just Crazy Camp,” Zoe rants. “It’s, like—” She sees me staring at her. “Why are you crying? Is part of your body-image problem having a problem when your body isn’t the center of attention? Welcome to the real world, Ballerina Barbie. It doesn’t revolve around you.”

I take a step back, stung. I wipe my face with one hand. Zoe resumes pacing.

“Um, I’d really like to not be here right now,” Omar says. He’s bouncing in place again. He adjusts his glasses and fusses with his harness and scratches his head and shifts from foot to foot, like fidgeting is the only thing keeping him from freaking out too.

One by one, we ride the zip line down to the ground. I thought I would enjoy it—the wind in my hair, the scenery rushing by, the weightlessness—but all I can think about is Katie’s face, and all I can feel is the tears drying on my cheeks.





twelve


WHEN WE GET BACK TO THE PERFORM AT YOUR PEAK house, Dr. Lancaster takes Katie to her office. Half an hour later, after we’ve had time to clean up and change clothes, we meet in the Dogwood Room. “I want to talk about everyone’s experience with the ropes course,” Dr. Lancaster says. “But first, Katie wants to tell you all exactly what happened.”

“Um, okay. So, I had a total panic attack on the beam. You all saw that.” Katie’s voice wavers a little, and her eyes are on the carpet, but she doesn’t stop. “I was determined to make it across, and I thought I could. A regulation balance beam is narrower than those were, and I do handsprings and stuff on that. Without a harness. I told myself, You can do this. But then we paused out in the middle, and it was like—it was like I remembered I was supposed to be scared. And my body just shut down. I couldn’t take another step.” She looks at Dr. Lancaster.

“How did you feel in that moment?”

“I was so freaked out. I—I don’t know what I would have done without Sam there.” Katie gives me a grateful smile.

“And how do you feel now?”

“Um. This is going to sound stupid, but—”

“Nothing you say in here is stupid, Katie,” Dr. Lancaster says.

“Oh.” Katie makes a face. “Sure. Anyway, now that it’s all over and done, I feel like—like, wow, I did it. Like it doesn’t matter that I panicked, because in the end I got across. I didn’t give up.” She looks at me again. “Thanks to you, I got across.”

“And?” Dr. Lancaster prompts.

“And I feel like maybe that’s what I needed. The first step. It was scary, and it sucked, but I did it.”

“So you think you could get up there and not have a panic attack, if you tried again?” Dominic asks. “It’s that simple?”

“I think,” Katie says slowly, “that maybe I have to think about the fact that I can do it, because I already have. The number of times I’ve been on a balance beam without falling is so many more than the number of times I’ve fallen.” She pauses. “But who knows? Maybe I’ll still be screwed up after this. Maybe today means nothing.”

“Or maybe it means a lot,” Dr. Lancaster says firmly.

Katie nods. “Can we go back to the ropes course? So I can try again?”

“I’ll check our schedule, and the course’s availability.”

“You should all come,” Katie says. “Even Zoe.”

For a second, Zoe looks wounded. But all she says is “Party at the ropes course.”

“Now,” Dr. Lancaster says, “if you don’t mind us moving on, Katie, I’d like to spend some time talking about everyone else’s experience on the course.”

“I don’t mind. I’d love to hear about someone else’s problems!”