How It Feels to Fly(27)

Zoe doesn’t even pause. “Is it really that big a deal? So you don’t like how you look. You and every other teenaged girl on the planet—”

Dr. Lancaster pushes her chair back. “My office. Now.”

“Make me.” Zoe grips the seat of her chair like Dr. Lancaster might try to forcibly remove her.

“Okay,” Dr. Lancaster says. “You can stay right where you are. Andrew, Yasmin, would you mind taking the rest of the campers outside to finish lunch on the back porch?”

We all get up fast, collecting our plates and cups. The last thing I hear as I leave is Zoe’s unrepentant voice: “You said we’re supposed to be opening up to each other about our issues. I’m just trying to speed up the process—”

Andrew holds the door open for me. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” I sit on the steps next to Katie. Andrew sits on my other side. “I’m not gonna freak out again.” I say that part louder, so everyone on the porch can hear.

We eat in silence. And I feel the silent seconds tick by. It’s like they’re landing on me. Each moment stings.

I want the stinging to stop.

So I finally blurt, “I have panic attacks. The whole thing about people looking at me, that collage I made yesterday—it’s about my body. I gained some weight recently, and I’m . . . I’m . . .” I should have planned out what I was going to say. It would have sounded better than this. But now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. “I’m having a hard time dealing with it. How I look now. So, um, that’s what that was about.”

Andrew gives my shoulder an encouraging nudge. I sneak a glance his way and he’s smiling. “Good job,” he says under his breath.

I exhale, hard.

And I wait for someone else to say something.

To my surprise, Dominic’s the first one to speak. “Man, Zoe’s gonna be mad she missed your big confession.” I can’t tell if he’s serious, or joking, or making fun of me until he adds, “That girl needs an attitude adjustment.”

Jenna blinks up at him. “An attitude adjustment? How old are you again?”

Dominic laughs. “That’s what Coach calls it. He basically means you’re about to have to do stadium sprints.”

“I don’t think working out would help her,” Katie says, sounding uncharacteristically sour. “She’s just . . . awful.”

“Well, yeah,” Dominic says, “but honestly, you need to not give her so much attention. If you quit egging her on, she might stop doing what she’s doing.”

“How do you know she’ll stop?” Omar asks.

“It’s just a guess.” Dominic shrugs. “But I have five little brothers and sisters. I know when someone wants attention.”

“So why can’t she get our attention by being nice?” Katie asks.

“I didn’t say she wanted our attention.”

“She’s going to get kicked out,” Omar says.

“Maybe that’s what she wants,” Dominic answers. “Maybe she doesn’t want to be here.”

“You don’t want to be here, either,” Katie says. “You told me yourself.”

“Yeah, but I know when I need something. And I need to be here. I’m . . .” He sighs. “I’m stupid-anxious, and it’s gonna mess up a lot of things for me. So do I want to be here? No. Am I gonna tough it out? Yeah. Because that’s what you do when you need something.”

“Ditto,” Jenna says. She and Dominic share a look. She gives him a brittle smile.

“Do any of us really want to be here?” Omar asks. He puts a finger beside his nose. “Not it.”

“You might feel that way now,” Yasmin says, “but I promise, by the time you leave, you’ll be so grateful. . . .”

I can’t believe they’re not obsessing about my panic attack. I don’t know whether they’re trying to respect my feelings and my privacy, or if Zoe’s just a more interesting topic of discussion. But I don’t mind. I’m happy to be in the background. I manage to swallow a few more vegetables before Dr. Lancaster summons Yasmin. They chat just inside the doorway, and then Yasmin comes back out onto the porch.

“Change of plans for this afternoon,” she says. “Until Dr. Lancaster is done talking to Zoe, you’re supposed to each work on an aspirational collage.”

“A what?” Omar asks. “How am I supposed to do it the right way if I don’t know what that word means?”

“A collage that represents an ideal day doing your activity,” Yasmin says, smiling at him. “Whatever that means to you. There’s no one answer, Omar, so you don’t have to worry about getting it ‘right.’” She makes air quotes. “You’ll talk about your image with Dr. Lancaster in your one-on-one later. Dominic, can you help me get the supplies?”

“Sure,” he says, getting up. “I know you need a big strong guy to carry it all.”

Yasmin laughs. “Yeah, that’s totally it, hotshot.”

“Lucky I’m here to come to your rescue.” Dominic follows her inside.

“I’ll help too!” Omar jumps to his feet and runs after Dominic. Something about it—their size difference, Dominic’s swagger versus Omar’s eagerness—makes Omar look like a puppy chasing a German shepherd.