History Is All You Left Me(52)

Friday, August 28th, 2015

I’m quiet as Theo, Wade, and I walk to the post office to ship Theo’s four boxes to California. Theo’s flight is tonight and already I can’t keep it together. If I open my mouth, I’m not sure what will come out. Theo and Wade seem fine though, talking about the second Avengers movie instead of using this time to reminisce. They’ll regret it later; I already am.

The post office is another block down, just across the street.

“I’d Hulk-smash you right now if it gave me the ability to run like Quicksilver to California,” Theo tells Wade. “I could even race my packages there.”

“What the hell? Why can’t you Hulk-smash some stranger?” Wade asks.

Theo laughs. “Pulverize some nameless citizen? That’s not the Captain America spirit. He can’t be your favorite character anymore. Your new favorite is Daredevil, the Ben Affleck version.” He steps off the curb, turning around to see Wade’s face.

“I’m going to miss your bullying—dude, watch—”

A car honks its horn and Theo stops walking backward in the street.

“Theo, move!” I scream.

Theo turns around and sees the car. He bullets forward toward the post office, tripping over the boxes he’s dropped, falling flat on the street. The car swerves with a screech at the last moment, nearly hitting Wade and me, and brakes at the corner. The driver gets out. He’s in a rage, shouting at Theo for being reckless and stupid, but I block out everything he’s saying. All that exists is Theo. I run and kneel beside him. He’s staring up at me, but I don’t think he really sees me.

I hug him, reassuring him over and over he’s okay, reassuring myself over and over he’s okay. He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay.

He’s going to be okay. And I’m going to have to be okay too.

I help Theo up while Wade talks the driver down, convincing him to back off, to get back in his car and forget the whole thing. I lead Theo to the post office, where we both lean against the wall by the entrance, sinking to the ground. I grab his hand and rest my head against his shoulder.

I should tell him I love him, or how I don’t know what I would’ve done if that car ran him down. But I don’t. “I think we should break up, Theo.”

Theo jerks but doesn’t let go of my hand; he’s snapped out of his shock. “What?”

“I’ve been thinking about this the past couple of days. I’m scared I’m going to be holding you back somehow,” I say.

“You’re not,” Theo says. “That’s ridiculous.”

“I can’t risk it. I can’t risk getting in your way.”

“You’re not in my way, Griff. You’re the reason I even got my essay done.”

That’s not true, and he knows it. He would’ve gotten it done without me. I’m not the reason he qualified for early admission in the first place. That’s all him and his brain.

“Everything is going to change when we’re not in each other’s faces, you know it. I’m not saying we should stop being friends. I want everything to make sense and there’s something not right with . . .” I can’t do this. “There’s something not right with trying to play the long-distance game for two years.”

“So you don’t love me anymore, Griff?”

We haven’t looked each other in the eye this entire conversation. I’m staring at the cigarette butts on the curb. Wade has the common sense to hang out by the mailbox on the corner and leave us alone.

I shake my head against Theo’s shoulder. “It’s the opposite.” My throat tightens. “You’re screwed because I’m never going to stop loving you. I’m counting on us getting back together when our lives fit better. You’re endgame for me. But you have to promise me you’re not going to be stupid and walk into traffic. Don’t die at all. Okay?”

“Fine. I’ll never die,” Theo says, hugging me closer to him.

“I mean it. Promise me.”

“I promise you: I’ll never die.”

I sit up and turn his head to mine, kissing him and squeezing his hand. I’m doing the right thing. He’s going to focus on himself and figure out the life he wants and hopefully I’m in that picture. I’m going to be okay.

Theo’s crying a little and initiates our kisses: the butterfly kiss; the caveman kiss, one where we stay pressed against each other’s forehead way longer than usual; the Eskimo kiss, which breaks me and makes me start crying too; and finally the zombie kiss.

“I’m eating your tears,” Theo says, laughing. “Gross.”

I laugh with him. I really hope I’m right, how this is best for him. It would suck if this is the last time we’re ever going to be this close to each other. It already sucks how I’m breaking my own heart for his happiness.

But if he’s happy, I’m happy. Right?





TODAY


Thursday, December 8th, 2016

I’m sitting on someone’s right during free period.

My breaths are tightening. I’m so itchy it’s as if an army of ants is launching an assault on my body. I want to scream, but I’m in the library, the place of mandatory silence, a freak-out-free zone. It’s one more thing I can’t control. I try and keep calm by scratching my palm, but the whole thing is ridiculous. I can’t bury my anxiety deep in my hand, like a dog and his used-up bone in a backyard.