History Is All You Left Me(45)

Theo puts on the cap and winks at me. “The SMC heads sure know how to seduce a guy, right?”

Alternate universe idea: Theo and I are living together in a huge house overflowing with hats because I bought him a new one every day to get him to stay.

Sunday, May 17th, 2015

Maybe I put too much pressure on my birthday. There are only a few hours left, and it’s not the memorable day I was counting down to, even though all the right pieces were in place: I woke up to a video from a shirtless Theo for my eyes only; my parents gave me three hundred and fifty dollars (I returned ten dollars under the guise of a thank-you tip for bringing me into this world, but really I just wanted a number that felt more even); I hung out with Theo and Wade at Bonus where Theo and I kissed for the first time, and we played several rounds of pinball and air hockey; I got some great gifts and I haven’t even gotten Theo’s yet, but my favorite so far is the Cedric Diggory key chain Wade got me.

And now I’m walking around Union Square with the guy I really love, while he holds my hand and whistles the Star Wars theme song.

But all I can think about is how Theo will be gone this fall.

I won’t have him with me for the first day of school, walks in September, for a couples costume for Halloween, for side-by-side studying for midterms in November, for preholiday craziness in December, for his birthday, for my next birthday. We won’t have those days or every little and big moment in between once he’s gone. I have him now, and I still can’t throw on a smile that doesn’t feel like a lie. But at least I can lie if it makes him happy.

“Today’s been incredible,” I say. “Thanks for throwing all this together.”

Theo took charge of my birthday. I don’t know if it’s because he loves me or because he feels guilty for leaving, but he signed up for the job and saw it through. I had my doubts. He’s been spending a lot of his weeknights and weekends downloading new computer programs to prepare for SMC life. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not always putting his brain before his heart. More importantly, it’s not a bad thing when he does.

He leads me to a bench. We sit, watching two women play chess on crates nearby.

“Griffin, I got to let you in on something,” he says.

“What’s up?” This already doesn’t feel good.

“I know you,” Theo says. “Like, a little bit. We’ve been dating for almost a year, and we go way back. Fifth grade. I know something’s up. You’re supposed to be able to talk to me when something’s up. If you don’t, the Bad Boyfriend Council will show up at my house and give me a demerit.”

“What happens when you get too many demerits?”

“I’ll be sentenced to an entire month without masturbation or sex. You got to save me here,” Theo pleads. “You’re not okay, are you?”

I keep my eyes on the chess game, on the perfectly even number of squares. “I’m going to miss you,” I tell him, which is true. “I know we still have the entire summer to look forward to, but what’s going to happen once you move to California? We’ll see each other on holidays?”

“That isn’t enough for you?”

“I’m scared it’s not going to be enough for you,” I admit. “You’re going to meet some guy, or girl, and, yeah, maybe you’ll be friends at first, but it’s just going to get you missing something physical. I don’t think Skype-Griffin is going to be enough for you.”

“Will Skype-Griffin love Skype-Theo? He better, because Skype-Theo is planning on loving the hell out of Skype-Griffin, even if he can’t kiss him.”

He’s gotten me to smile. Screw everyone who hates public displays of affection, because I have to get my kisses in before I become Skype-Griffin.

“You feel better?” he asks.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t forget about the assholes over at the Bad Boyfriend Council who would force celibacy on a seventeen-year-old with a cute boyfriend.” Theo pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Speaking of, I should probably give you your birthday present. It’s not done, but I promise you, I have every intention of finishing it.”

He pulls up a video and presses play. It’s an animation. There is a compulsion of gryphons flying across the side. The one with feathers my favorite shade of blue is on the right until he torpedoes to the left. The narrative of one gryphon moving to the left of three gryphons would make zero sense to anyone else, but it means everything to me. It means he pays attention to the way I move, to my favorite color. It’s only fourteen seconds long and probably counts more as a clip than it does a video, but I know how much time goes into a single frame, and that’s time he took away from himself for me. This clip means my favorite human loves me.

“I swear I’m going to add more to it,” Theo says, probably feeling shitty because I keep staring at him without telling him how much I love it. “I have some ideas, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. Do you like it?”

I throw myself at him, and damn it, I’m not letting go.

Saturday, June 27th, 2015

After a morning of feeding and naming ducks in Central Park (Daffy was an asshole who wouldn’t share) and an afternoon eating ice cream at the High Line, I follow Theo back into his apartment—right as his family, my parents, and Wade shout, “Surprise!”