Her Favorite Duke (The 1797 Club #2)(66)
She leaned closer. “Why?” she encouraged.
He sucked in a deep breath and met her eyes. “Why didn’t you stop it? If you didn’t want to marry Graham, why didn’t you tell James no?”
Chapter Twenty-One
Meg caught her breath at the direct question. Simon didn’t ask it with malice or accusation in his tone, but he also didn’t move his gaze from hers. And she knew why. He had taken the blame all this time for the situation they found themselves in.
The moment had finally come for her to accept her own share.
“James went through so much at the hands of our father,” she began with a shake of her head.
“You both did.”
She smiled at his gentle defense of her. “Yes, but I didn’t have the weight of inheritance on my shoulders like my brother did. The weight of what he thought would be failure. It was hard for him to carry.”
Simon nodded. “I remember those dark days.”
“When James announced that I would marry Graham, he was so happy. He thought he was doing the right thing, that he’d made his first act as duke the best one possible. I had no idea how to respond. My ears were ringing, my hands were shaking. I looked at you across the room, because I thought perhaps you liked me as much as I did you.”
His face fell. “And I offered no resistance, thanks to my own shock about what was happening.”
Pain flooded her at the memory, but she understood so much more now. About him. About herself. “I was very young, you know. I had no experience, I thought perhaps I had misread the situation. That you truly only did want to be a friend to me. If that were true, there would be no point in shattering James’s hopes. So I convinced myself that you didn’t want me and that I could get over wanting you.”
“But you didn’t,” he said softly.
“No,” she agreed. “I never did, no matter how I tried. And I never loved Graham, no matter how much I wished I could. Perhaps I should have said something as the years stretched out. There were times I thought I might. But it felt more and more impossible to do that as Society became more invested in my nuptials with Graham. The scandal if I broke it off—”
“Yes, I understand,” he said, letting out a long sigh of regret. “It kept me silent, as well.”
She shook her head slowly. “In a way, Simon, we are so alike. Both wanting to please those around us, never wanting to disappoint or hurt them. And in the end, it made both of us cowards. It made both of us turn away from the future we wanted.”
“I suppose it did. For a while. But now we’re here. And I hope that we can overcome our mistakes of the past. I want to.”
She believed him. It was impossible not to when he was so sincere and so honest about their past. But she still wasn’t quite ready to give in to what he offered. To give the heart that he had crushed a few days before.
He examined her closely. “You’re still not certain. Does that mean you have another question for me?”
“I-I do.” She felt the lump in her throat, the pain that spread through her as she stared at this man, her husband, her love. There was only one more thing that she carried with her now. But it was the biggest heartache of her life. The one fact that would keep her from fully trusting this man. “Would you have truly left with Roseford? Would you have walked away and let me marry another?”
His face twitched, pain slashing across it. The moment seemed to stretch out forever, an eternity of struggle for them both as he searched for whatever words he was going to say. “Why do you think I followed you that afternoon when we were trapped together?”
She shrugged. “We were friends and you saw me struggling. You—”
“No,” he interrupted.
She blinked at the forcefulness of his tone. “No?”
“No,” he said, softer this time. “I knew I shouldn’t, Meg. I knew I should get James or Graham to go after you. I followed you because I…I knew in some part of me that doing so would seal my fate. I told Roseford I wanted to leave, I told myself I would step aside as I always had and allow your future to unfold without me. But I followed you here, Meg. And I let us get caught in a storm.”
“What do you mean?” she whispered.
“I was following you for an hour before I stopped you. Don’t you think I noticed the gathering clouds? Don’t you think I knew exactly what might happen if I didn’t steer you home before they opened up a torrent?” He paced a moment. “Once we were trapped, I still had options that would keep the scandal at a minimum. But I stayed in this cottage with you. And I kissed you at last. And I did all of it so the decision would be removed from my hands. So I could take you from Graham without having to be man enough to admit it was what I wanted all along.”
His face was bright with emotion now, his blue eyes stormy and filled with many things, not one of which was regret.
“You’re saying you manipulated what happened?”
“Perhaps I didn’t allow myself to know that at the time, but…yes,” he whispered. “The fact is, Meg, I can say that I wouldn’t have walked away, because I didn’t. I didn’t walk away. And I know that it is hard to believe based on my past, based on what I’ve done before and since we wed, but I’m telling you right now I will never walk away again. I will never give you another reason to believe you must. I will fight for you, Meg. From this day until the day I draw my last breath. I will fight for you because you are all I have ever wanted, all I have ever needed and all I shall ever desire.”