Good Me Bad Me(36)

‘That may not be a bad idea, considering we’re not sure what the defence are going to ask. What do you think, Milly?’ Mike turns his body fully towards me.

‘I don’t know. I still want to do it, I need to, but I’m scared.’

‘What are you scared of?’

‘That she wants people to blame me.’

‘Nobody’s going to blame you, Milly.’

‘You don’t know that, you’re not the jury.’

‘No, we’re not the jury,’ June responds. ‘But the court will recognize you as a minor, at home with her under duress, and to make things easier our lawyers have put together some example questions for you and Mike to go through.’

She makes it sound so simple. Like learning my ABC. But there’s nothing simple about what I’m going to have to do in court.

‘And will she have a chance to go through her statement again?’

‘Yes, absolutely. In the week prior to the trial I’ll ask you to bring Milly into court so she can have a look round and also review her statement. Once is more than enough – it can be very traumatizing to have to go over it all again and can also create doubt and confusion in witnesses. Can make them feel under pressure to “learn” their statement, when really we encourage them to focus on the questions they’ll be asked.’

Mike responds by saying, ‘That makes sense I suppose. We can go through this all again later, Milly, but is there anything you’d like to ask at this point?’

‘No.’

Like Phoebe with Miss Mehmet, nothing I can say out loud.

‘Will I be able to go into the courtroom with her, June?’

‘I doubt it, no, in a high-profile case such as this one the judge will likely use what’s called an anonymity order with the fewest number of people there possible. In the past there have been incidents of information from the courtroom being leaked to the press. I’ll be there the whole time, sat to the side of Milly. Yourself, and Saskia, if she wants, can wait in one of the family rooms nearby.’

‘You said there were a couple of things you wanted to tell me, what was the other thing?’

‘The date of the trial has been moved. The case that was due to be heard before ours has collapsed, which frees up the judge,’ June explains. ‘It’s been brought forward, which means it’ll start three weeks on Monday.’

Forty-five becomes twenty-four. I’m good at maths, especially when it involves you.

‘The week after half-term,’ I hear myself say. ‘I won’t be ready.’

‘We’ll make sure you are. June, is there anything else we can be doing in the meantime so Milly does feel ready?’

‘Strange as this might sound, nothing hugely different from what you’re doing now. Keep meeting on a weekly basis, more if either of you feel it’s needed, and once I get back to the office I’ll forward on to you the lawyers’ questions.’

‘So other than going through the questions, we continue as is?’

‘That’s right. Actually, will you be around over half-term? That’ll probably be when Milly reviews her statement.’

‘Yes, we will be. Phoebe’s away with the school and we might head off for a few days, a bit of distraction, nowhere too far though so we can be around whenever you need us to be.’

‘Good idea to take some time out, lie low for a bit. The news that the trial has been pushed forward will be released to the press tomorrow and, as we’ve previously discussed, we need to think about managing your exposure to this, Milly. Are any of the girls at school mentioning the case at all?’

I could tell the truth, that Mike’s darling daughter likes to read you out loud, thinks you should be burned at the stake, an adoring audience nodding in agreement at her feet. But I don’t want him to know how bad things are between me and Phoebe. I know who’ll be shown the door.

So I say no, nobody really is.

‘Grand. It’s difficult I know but the right way to deal with it if they do is just to move yourself away. I’m aware this is an awful lot to take in but you’re in excellent hands with Mike and if you think of anything you’d like to ask me after I leave, get Mike to pick up the phone or drop me an email. Okay?’

She approaches me, is about to touch my shoulder, withdraws her hand at the last minute when she remembers. She kneels down in front of me, the smell of stale coffee on her breath. ‘It won’t be as bad as you think it might be,’ she says.

I look down at her. Committed, she is. Clueless though. It won’t be as bad as you think it might be – no, June, it’ll be worse.

After Mike sees her out, I tell him I want to be alone, I need time to process everything.

‘Of course, yes, I’m here whenever you’re ready to touch base.’

I stand at the sink in my bathroom. The razor on my skin. Press harder than usual. A knife through butter. A lightning bolt along my rib. Warm, red drips.

But no comfort.





16


I barely slept. Every time I closed my eyes I could see you, in your cell. You were smiling, happy with how things are going. How your plan is coming together. I start a countdown, in charcoal, inside the bathroom cabinet mounted on the wall. The days until the trial. I thought it would help, but when I write the number my hands begin to shake. Lawyers and jury members. The judge.