Going Long (Waiting on the Sidelines #2)(81)

She clung to me, her wet face soaking the front of my shirt, her body flat against mine, almost lifeless, but heavy all the same. Her breathing was short and labored. Her shaking not subsiding. “I lost it, Reed. Oh my God!” she started shaking again, her tears coming harder now. I just held on.

“You didn’t lose anything. You didn’t do anything, you hear me?” I said, begging her to listen to me. “It wasn’t right. It wasn’t meant to be. Something was wrong, and that’s what was supposed to happen. And oh my God, Nolan, I will never forgive myself that you were alone through it all. I’m so sorry, baby. I failed you. God, I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t tell you. I should have told you! Maybe then…” she started, but I stopped her. She was done blaming herself. She had done that enough.

“No, now listen, Nolan,” I held her face a few inches from mine, my hands in her hair, streaks running all along her face. “This had nothing to do with anything you did…or didn’t do. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

“But what if I can’t have children? What if I’m…I’m…done?” she started quaking again.

“You don’t know that. Nolan, you need to talk to someone. You don’t know anything until you talk to someone about this. Talk to me. And then talk to a doctor. Baby, I know it’s scary, but you need to. I love you…so much. But you have to take care of yourself,” I was pleading, trying to reach her. She just stared at me, almost through me. For minutes, I looked into her eyes, taking pauses to wipe the tears away.

We sat there completely wrapped in one another’s heartbreak, misery, and arms amid piles of trash, and on the cold concrete for minutes. At one point, Sean peered around the corner, worried about where we’d gone. When I caught his attention, I motioned for him to tell the others, and to give us a little more time.

I was finally able to get Nolan to come inside, the parents and her students all long gone. Sarah and Sienna all handled the awkwardness for us, telling people that Nolan had a stomach bug and ran outside ill. Nolan was so upset that she didn’t get to talk to Kira, who seemed to be an important student for her, but I seemed to ease her mind during the car ride home, telling her that we could call her mom, and maybe even pay her a visit in a day or two.

I drove Nolan’s car to her dorm, and Sean followed us, helping me to carry everything upstairs for her. He and I had already discussed it, and I was not leaving her alone tonight. Sean and Becky would spend the night on Sarah’s couch, so they could pick me up in the morning to take me back to my dad’s house. I had some important meetings lined up, but not until the late morning. And nothing was more important than being right where I was tonight.

When everyone left us alone, I turned out Nolan’s lights and went to her bathroom to turn her shower on. I wanted her to feel comfortable and cared for, so I helped her from her clothes and into the shower. It wasn’t about sex or seduction tonight. It was about being there for her, letting her lean on me, in the place I should have been months ago. I washed her hair and soaped her body, washing the makeup stains from her cheeks. I wrapped her in a towel and led her to her bed, sitting her down while I dug through her duffle bag of clothes she’d brought from home. I found the Coolidge football shirt, her favorite, and put it over her head. I pulled a pair of cotton leggings out next and helped her slide those on.

“My hair. It’s wet,” she sounded so defeated, so melancholy. I pulled the towel from her head slowly and ran my fingers through it. I laid the towel across her pillows and then pulled her big blanket back.

“It’ll be okay. Here, just lay on this,” I said, easing her back and tucking her under the covers. I pulled my jeans off, and left my boxers and T-shirt on as I slid in next to her and pulled her close. I stroked her face until her eyes finally grew heavy, and I heard the faint hum of her breathing. Tonight was hard. Thinking about it all seemed almost too heavy, and thinking about Nolan working through this alone made me sick to my stomach.

But as hard as tonight was, it was also important. It had to happen, and I couldn’t find a way to do it on my own. Kira might have just saved us. I know she saved Nolan. There was only healing from here; I’d make sure of that.





Chapter 16


Nolan



“How do you feel about your midterms?” Dr. Ashford asked in her typical soothing voice. It wasn’t her fault she was such a stereotype. I suppose her demeanor was just part of the job description. I liked her, actually. Quite a bit. And I think in many ways she was responsible for my academic turnaround this semester. Reed made me promise to talk to someone, even as much as offering to sit with me while I talked to my mom about my miscarriage. But I couldn’t bring this to her. Not because I didn’t think she could help; I was sure she could. But it would also devastate her. And I wasn’t sure I could survive the look on her face, knowing I’d lost a child, her grandchild. I didn’t have enough strength left inside to handle that.

“Nolan?” Dr. Ashford asked.

“Hmmmm? Oh, sorry. I was sort of off somewhere,” I sat up straight and rolled my shoulders back to attention to listen now. “Midterms. Yes…uh…I feel good. Really good, actually.”

“That’s good to hear,” she nodded, folding her notebook in her lap and clicking her pen closed. “You’re heading home for spring break, for the wedding this week, right?”