Futures and Frosting (Chocolate Lovers #2)(52)

“Years from now when she’s retelling this story to your grand kids, do you really want her to say, ‘Well kids, your grandfather popped the question right next to the anal beads and ball gags.'?” Liz says in a grandmotherly voice.

“I’m sorry, I don’t get what the problem is here,” Drew says as he suddenly appears next to Liz, licking a sucker shaped like a pair of tits.

“Go away, this is a secret,” Liz tells him.

“Nice try, twat waffle. I heard the majority of what’s going on. And I kind of want to take Carter here out back and rub my nuts on his head for not telling me he planned to propose to Claire in the happiest place on earth,” Drew states, giving me a dirty look. Well, as dirty a look as he can with sugar boobs on a stick hanging out of his mouth.

“Isn’t Disneyland the happiest place on earth?” Liz asks.

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” Drew tells her.

“Look, this was a last minute decision. It’s not like I planned to drop down on one knee in the middle of this place.”

I look away from them to take another glimpse around me.

Why the f*ck did I think this was a good idea? Claire would have killed me, murdered me where I stood. My obituary would read, “He died under a pile of pink and purple rubber cocks and double A batteries.”

“I was caught up in the moment and just reacted,” I tell them sheepishly.

Drew pats me on the back. “Awww, you got sentimental in a porn shop. Will you marry me instead?” he asked with a laugh.

I shut him up with a punch to his chest.

“Wait, if you didn’t plan this, why are you carrying a ring around in your pocket?” Liz asks suspiciously.

“Uh, I, um, kind of carry it everywhere with me,” I tell her, feeling beyond uncomfortable that I'm admitting this out loud. “I’ve had a few proposal plans go belly up the last few weeks. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with the perfect plan and every time, something has gone wrong. I like to keep the ring in my pocket so I can reach in and touch the box. It gives me reassurance to keep trying.”

Liz’s bottom lip quivers and Drew stares at me blankly.

“Dude, you’ve been fingering that box in your pocket all this time? I thought you had crabs or something. I was going to let you borrow my cream,” Drew says with a sad shake of his head. “That’s pathetic. You have officially lost your man card. If you take it all back right now and tell me there’s a hole in your pocket and you were just diddling yourself like the old guy over in aisle twelve, I’ll forgive you.”

Liz pinches the skin of his underarm, and Drew lets out a howl, rubbing the spot that is now turning red.

“Shut up, ass f*ck. That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” Liz says with a sniffle. “Let me see the ring.”

I look behind me and find Claire perusing DVD’s now that the guy playing pocket pool is gone. I slide the ring out of my pocket and quickly opened it for Liz to see.

“Holy shit, you went to Jared’s,” she whispers in awe.

“YES! Ha ha, vindication!” I shout with a fist pump.

Liz and Drew shush me and we all turn around to see if Claire has heard the commotion. I quickly snap the ring box closed and shove it back in my pocket to see that she is oblivious to the noise and is still neck deep in the clearance porn bin.

That is so hot.

Even if my grandmother walked in right now, I don’t think I’d be able to get rid of my boner.

Sorry, Nana, my girlfriend is in a sex shop trying to pick out the perfect porno for us to watch later. Carter Junior isn’t going anywhere for a while. Please pick girl-on-girl, please pick girl-on-girl.

“Oh for God’s sakes, close your mouth, Carter, or you’ll catch flies,” Liz scolds, bringing my attention back around. “And Drew, quit staring at Jenny’s ass. You’ll have plenty of time for that later.”

“Actually, we’ve already done it three times today. I’m kind of spent,” Drew replies with another lick to the sucker.

“First of all, that’s disgusting and I would have slept a whole lot better tonight if you hadn’t shared that, and second, when the f*ck did you even find time to have sex three times? You were at my shop all day helping me unload inventory. You didn’t even see Jenny until we got to the restaurant,” Liz questions.

“First of all,” Drew replies, mocking Liz. “You said ‘load’ and we need to acknowledge that. Heh, heh, load! And second, it was more like one point two times if you want to get technical. I had sex with the Jenny mold twice in the bathroom of your store, and I had sex with Jenny in the bathroom of the restaurant.”

And there goes my boner.

“There are so many things wrong with that statement I think my brain just exploded. You’re bleaching my bathroom tomorrow, asshat,” Liz says angrily.

“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Claire asks, coming up to the group.

“We’re talking about how many times I spooged in Jenny today,” Drew states proudly.

“Sorry I asked,” Claire replies, turning right back around and walking away.

“Never, ever use that word again. Ever,” Liz tells Drew once Claire is out of earshot. “Okay, Carter, I get where you were going tonight with the whole ‘spur of the moment’ thing and it’s a nice touch. But you need a plan.”