From Darkness (Hearts & Arrows Book 3)(87)

“It’s going to be close, Jon, because we are working with a lot of what-ifs.”

“Something will pan out. I have to believe that.”

“What if we don’t make it? What if—”

“We will. Let’s focus on making sure you talk to somebody at every cash motel, starting with Spokane. Go through your list again, and call the ones you couldn’t get ahold of. If we can make sure that every one of them knows he’s coming and that there’s money in it for them if they call us, I have to believe somebody’ll take us up on it and rat Rhodes out.”

“But what if he’s not even on this route? I mean, what if he’s in Tijuana or California or—”

“We’ve been through all this, Jo,” he answered.

She took a breath, comforted for the moment at least.

“It’s gonna be okay. This is the best we’ve got, so let’s see it through. We’ll figure out what’s next when we get there. All right?”

Josie nodded with her eyes on the road, pushing her nerves away as they exited the highway and made for the Waffle House just off the service road.

They climbed out of the Jeep, and Josie tried not to think of Rhodes. Her arms and legs ached, her hips and knees stiff from sitting so long, and she considered finding a patch of grass to do yoga on, but she was too tired to bother.

She caught sight of Jon as he stretched with his eyes closed and arms in the air. His elbows popped as he arched his back, and his shirt lifted up to show the V his hips made down into his jeans. She caught herself biting her lip and smoothed her face before he opened his eyes.

She followed him to the door, which he held open for her, and they sat down at a booth. Her mind was still on Rhodes, and unease sank into her bones, into her brain, as she sat across from Jon.

“You’re still worrying, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.”

He looked into her eyes, his irises deep and blue. “Do you trust me, Josie?”

The question caught her off guard. Did she trust him? It was such a simple question. If he had asked her two days before, she would have said no without even needing to consider, but that had changed.

The thought upset her. All that she knew about him and about how she felt about him had been demolished, and now, she had to rebuild on the rubble of what had once been there.

Even still, she knew the answer. She’d always known the answer. “I trust you.”

“We’re going to find him. If not through this route, then through the next one or the one after that.”

He believed every word, and his conviction broke her heart open.

She could only nod.

They ordered breakfast and went over their plans, falling into silence when their food hit the table. Josie pushed her food around her plate as memories flooded her mind, uncorked by the awareness of how much she’d changed since Anne died. She was obsessed, consumed, her life no longer recognizable.

She justified it, her reasoning so familiar, so old and so worn that it had lost its heat and meaning.

Moments flashed through her thoughts. Following Rhodes around his life every day. Hannah lying on a slab in a body bag. Anne as Josie had found her that night, the sound of dripping water.

What terrified her most was when she saw herself from the outside, lonely and alone, possessed by her desire to find an end. Something essential in her had splintered and fractured, burst into pieces, and the shards would cut anyone who tried to touch her. They were protection, and they were her cage. She was too broken to love, too wounded to heal, and no one knew because no one could help her.

But of everyone in the world, Josie knew Jon understood.

Her heart cracked open a slit, calling his name. She wanted him. She wanted him now as much as she’d always wanted him.

Everything she’d thought she knew about herself—about what she wanted, about how she felt and what she needed—was wrong.

And she had no control over anything.

Panic wound through her chest, climbed up her throat. It was all too much, the room too bright and too hot as sweat beaded on her forehead, her lungs burning like she was drowning. She tried to swallow down her hysteria, holding her breath for a few seconds to break up the panic attack slowly taking her over, pulling her under.

Josie pushed her coffee away and downed the small glass of water. She reached for her fork and tried to take a bite of her breakfast. The potatoes were like sandpaper in her mouth, and the thought alone of the eggs made her stomach churn. The sounds of the diner were amplified, the clinking of plates and silverware assaulting her ears. She laid her fork down and sat back in her seat as every bite she had eaten raced back up.

She swallowed hard.

Jon eyed her. “You okay, Jo? You’re looking a little green.”

Josie smiled, trying for reassuring. “Yeah, just need a minute. I’ll be right back.”

She laid her napkin on the table and raced for the restroom, closing the door behind her as soon as she was across the threshold. She leaned against it and closed her eyes.

You’re having a panic attack. You’re not going to have a heart attack. Just breathe.

She opened her eyes and walked to the sinks, her reflection green and pale under the fluorescent lights of the diner restroom. The water was ice-cold. She rinsed her face and wet a few paper towels, pressing them to the back of her neck, hoping to all that was holy that she wasn’t about to get on her hands and knees and hug porcelain in a Waffle House.