From Darkness (Hearts & Arrows Book 3)(54)

“You were right.” Dita groaned and picked up a pillow, pressing it to her face to yell, “Do not want,” into it.

“I know, but think about it. You think you know how you feel, but there’s so much more to it. You need some sort of closure, and sitting here, avoiding it, isn’t doing you any favors. This is not the way you work. You care about Ares whether you want to or not, and you always will. So, you’ve got to find a way to come to terms with that and let it go. You have to figure out how to handle the fact that he will always be in your life. You can’t run away or hide from him. You have to face him.”

She dropped the pillow to her lap with a huff. “Why are you so smart? I hate you.”

“You love me, and I’m right.”

“No,” Dita said as she sank deeper into the cushions, “I’m pretty sure I hate you.”

Perry leaned on the back of the couch and propped her head on her hand. “While you’re feeling introspective, can we finally talk about Adonis?”

Dita flinched. “I don’t know.”

“We don’t have to play Dr. Persephone if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s all right.” A heavy sigh left her before she took a moment to think about him, really think about him. “I miss him,” she finally said.

“I know,” Perry said softly.

“I’ve been so lonely. He was always there, every day for thousands of years, and I told him everything, shared everything with him. I spent almost as much time in Elysium as I did living my life here. He’s just…he was always there, and now, he’s gone.” She took a breath to steady herself. “He’s gone, and I can’t change that. There’s nothing I can do but mourn.”

“How do you feel about how he left you?”

“I don’t know.” Dita looked up at the ceiling, trying to stave off her tears. “Responsible. The whole thing was my fault. It’s like I killed him a second time.”

“I know it feels that way, Dita, but he chose to drink Lethe.”

“Because I left him.”

“Listen, I love him too. He was the closest thing to a son that I’d ever had. I raised him from a baby, tucked him in at night, and watched him grow, but he was spoiled and selfish. Maybe that was my fault.”

“He wasn’t easy to tell no.”

“No, he wasn’t. And if he hadn’t been so…well, Adonis, you wouldn’t have left him. He’s just as much to blame as you.”

“It doesn’t feel like that,” Dita said.

“But you get me?”

“I get you.”

Perry nodded. “So that leaves Ares.”

Dita glanced at her. “I’m sorry, who?”

She thought for a second. “Taintston McPubus.”

Dita looked back up at the ceiling crisscrossed with black beams. “I mean, what the fuck, Perry? I can’t even be in the same room as him without almost having a heart attack.”

“What are you afraid of?”

Dita frowned. “Besides the obvious physical threat?”

“Do you really think he’s going to hurt you again?”

Dita traced the beams with her eyes from wall to wall. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I’ll tell you that I don’t think he will.” Perry was matter-of-fact, and Dita found a small bit of comfort in her certainty. “Zeus will bury him. Literally. In Tartarus. You know Zeus doesn’t make idle threats.”

“That makes perfect logical sense, but it doesn’t stop me from being afraid.”

“I know. Just remind yourself that he’s not an idiot.”

“Ha.”

“I mean, he’s an idiot, but he doesn’t have a death wish.” She paused, watching Dita, who didn’t want to make eye contact. “What do you think he could possibly say to you?” Perry asked. “What could he say to change your mind?”

“If he apologized and meant it. If I knew that he really understood.”

“Do you think he’s capable of that?”

Dita didn’t even have to think about it. “No, I don’t.”

“What else are you afraid of?”

She sat up and turned to face Perry. “Do you really think he’s ever going to let me go?”

Perry let out a resigned sigh. “No.”

“So, how do I deal with that?” Dita remembered those moments when he was soft and open, when she’d truly believed he loved her, and she felt the pull to him again, even at the memory. It made her feel sick. “I’m afraid to hear what he has to say, Perry. What if…”

“What if you change your mind about him?”

Dita nodded. “What if I can’t stop myself?”

“Do you really feel like you could ever be with him again?” Perry asked.

“Right now, I don’t. I did my best to break the bond, but it’s stronger than me. It’s hard to explain what it’s like when we’re together.”

Perry looked at her like she was a dummy. “You forget that I’m married to the man who kidnapped and raped me. Trust me, I get it.”

And she knew Perry did, probably better than anyone. “I loved him. I trusted him. He has seen me at my most vulnerable. And he turned on me. He betrayed me. And if he could have killed me, he would have.”