Forgiving Lies (Forgiving Lies #1)(89)

“It’s the lens on the laptop.” I shrugged, but it was an awkward movement since Eli was still holding me to the chair. “Makes everyone look like that.”

“Bullshit. So next question.”

“Ha. No, one was more than enough. We’re done, Mason.” I tried to stand but Eli wasn’t letting me budge. I unlocked my arms and reached for the laptop, but Candice smacked them down and pushed the laptop out of my reach.

“Why are you still doing this to each other? He’s miserable without you. Do you know that he tried to quit his job? That’s how f*cked up he is right now, Rach.”

“That’s not my problem!” I snapped. “He lied to me. He let me believe all of these false things about both of you, and you know what, Mase? I’m mad at you too! You were going to let me marry him when you knew I didn’t know a damn thing about him? You told me I reminded you of your sister; would you let your sister do something like that— Wait. Do you even have a sister?!”

“I do, she’s a year older than you. We told you as many truths as we could, Rachel. I was pissed when the two of you got engaged—not because I didn’t want you together,” he hurried to say, “but because of the fact that we were still undercover and you didn’t know who we really were. He fell for you hard and fast; nothing was going to be enough until you were completely his, and he got caught up in it. He wouldn’t have married you before you knew everything, I know that for a fact. I promise you, he’s killing himself for ever keeping anything from you.”

I wanted to say something like good but I couldn’t. I hated that Kash was miserable. I hated what he’d done to me, but the fact that he was hurting . . . hurt me more.

“But you don’t understand, Rach. When we came to Austin, we were hiding from a hit placed on both of us for some undercover work we did here in Florida. We didn’t have a choice about going by false names; we didn’t even have a choice about moving to Austin. We had to leave the night we found out about it. Because of the case we were on, we were going undercover again, to find the Carnation killer. Our jobs were set up for us; once again, we didn’t have a say, but this is what Kash and I did for close to four years. We would go undercover, and we would be whatever they needed us to be. And once the hit on us was gone, we both agreed we still couldn’t let you girls know, it was too dangerous. Obviously.”

I winced and Mason grimaced.

“Kash tried to fight his feelings for you in the beginning, though. I swear he was constantly lecturing me on why we can’t have relationships, and I know it was to try to remind himself why he couldn’t be with you. But he’s never met anyone like you, he couldn’t stay away from you . . . and I know all you see is that he lied to you, but you didn’t see how much the lies killed him during the time you two were together. Like I said, I was mad when he told me you were engaged, and I know that’s one of the things that hurts you the most. Try to look at it from his side though: with the kind of undercover work we’ve done, and just being in law enforcement in general, we see a lot of death. We know life is short. So we don’t waste it.”

“But he shouldn’t—”

“Hold on, Rach . . . let me finish. There was this girl Kash had dated for a long time, and he told me he was going to ask her to marry him when we got out of our first undercover assignment. By the time we got out, she was engaged to someone else. He never once looked at Megan the way he looked at you, and when he found out about her engagement, he wished her the best, knowing the other guy could give her the life she needed. Sure, he was upset, but it was nothing compared to what is happening to him still after all these months without you. So try to see it from his side, and know that he’d found the girl who meant the world to him. He wanted it all with you. Should he have waited to ask you to marry him until you knew the truth? Yeah, he should’ve. But he didn’t; he was too in love with you to wait.”

Silent tears were streaming down my face and I brought up my hands to try to wipe them away, but it was useless. They wouldn’t stop.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I spoke softly. “I just don’t know, Mason. He—what he did hurt me worse than anything has in my life. And he could easily do it again.”

I watched as he reached forward and guessed he was touching my image on the screen. “I can promise you all day long that he wouldn’t. But you’re the one who has to decide to trust him. I know you’re hurting, sweetheart . . . he is too. None of us can stand this for either of you. I’ve tried to get him to go to you, but he won’t. He thinks that he’s hurt you enough for one lifetime and that his job is too dangerous for you. He honestly believes he can’t give you a life you deserve. He’s always going to blame himself for what happened to you.” He ended on a whisper.

A sob broke through and I buried my face in my hands.

“Rach, one of you has to end this, and he thinks he’s protecting you by staying away.”

My chest tightened in pain and a wave of what can only be described as the deepest sorrow I’ve ever known washed over my body. This full-body ache had become so familiar to me over the last four months, but it never once got any easier to deal with. Each time it knocked the air from my body just as it had the first time, and every time it took a little longer for the ache to subside.