Find Me Alastar(46)

“Yes.”

“You said it had been a long time before me.” Our eyes meet. “How long is a long time?”

“Fourteen months.”

A frown crosses his face. “How many?”

“One.”

His eyes drop back to the table.

“Is that it?” I fake a smile. “I get it. You’re not married and you just banged a virtual virgin. Thanks for clarifying.” I pull my hand from his and try to leave.

“Sit down, please.” He scrunches his face up as if I hurt his feelings.

I sit still. “I have to ask you something, Alastar.”

His eyes come back to mine.

“Why act jealous? If you didn’t care, why act so jealous?” I really do want to know this. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind.

He frowns. “The jealousy isn’t an act. I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else.”

I look at him blankly.

“Em, I just have a lot of things going on right now and I can’t—”

I cut him off.

“You can’t commit.” I finish for him.

He shakes his head softly. “And I don’t want you being upset because of me.”

“I don’t want commitment, Alastar. I want respect.”

He frowns.

“You misunderstand me. I have never had a one night stand before. I am not the kind of girl who does that sort of thing.”

“I know,” he replies sadly.

“I had the wildest, craziest night of my life with this gorgeous stranger and it wasn’t sleazy or cheap. I felt cared for and cherished.”

“You were.” He picks up my hand again and smiles softly.

“And then you lied.”

He stares at me.

“I don’t want a boyfriend that lies. I don’t even want a boyfriend. I spent a long time trying to find myself and now that I have found her… I’m keeping her.”

Confusion crosses his face.

“I want a friend. One that I know cares for me and wont lie to me.”

“You want friends with benefits?” He frowns in shock.

I shake my head. “I don’t even know what I want, but I know it isn’t putting all my eggs into one basket, giving you or anyone else the ability to make me feel like I did this last week.”

“How did I make you feel?”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “Like I’m insignificant,” I whisper.

His eyes hold mine, his thumbs brushing over the back of my hand as he thinks. “How could you ever think that?”

I shrug.

“I don’t want you with anyone else,” he whispers.

I sit back. “You just told me that you can’t commit to anything.”

“I know.” He frowns.

“What exactly are you saying?” I ask.

He shrugs. “I’m going away in six weeks and probably won’t be back before you leave.”

“And?”

“I just didn’t want things to get messy between us.”

I smirk. “So, you thought being an ass was easier?”

He nods once. I pick up my coffee and sip it. I don’t know even what to say to that. Yes, I do: Coward.

He stares into space as if contemplating something. “Tell me your idea of friends with benefits?”

I smirk. “I don’t know. I have never had it, to be honest.” I think for a moment. “In a perfect world I would have a friendship and a connection with someone without there being any expectations.”

He frowns. “Like what?”

I shrug and smile as I sip my coffee. “Like...” I hesitate. “I would see them two or three times a week and we would care for each other but not fall in love.”

His elbow is resting on the table, and he leans his cheek on his hand, a trace of a smile crossing his face at my romantic dream.

“And then when it ended, when I went home to Australia, we would both marry other people.”

He watches me intently.

“Then in twenty years I could look back and say I had this beautiful friendship with a man in London back in the day, and it would be a happy memory. Something that was dear and special to me.”

He smiles softly. “That does sound nice.”

I smile and pick up his free hand from the table. “Thank you for coming and seeing me. You are right, I do feel better.”

His eyes hold mine and I know he wants to say something.

“You are not as much of an ass as I first thought.” I smirk.

“Could you sleep with me four or five times a week and not fall in love with me?” he asks suddenly.

I laugh. “You are so conceited, and I said two or three times, not four or five.”

“Rounding up.” He smiles, but I know he’s dead serious.

I pick up his hand and kiss the back of it. “The question is, Alastar, could you do it without falling in love with me?”

His eyes hold mine and I melt into them a little.

“Aye.”

“And I would go home at the end of my trip? With no strings?”

He smiles softly. “Aye.”

I feel my heart start to flutter. What the hell am I negotiating here? I’m already hopelessly hung up on this guy. This is dangerous territory.