FIRE (Elite Forces #2)(40)
“Are you serious? This pisses me off.” I stomp back into the bedroom to get my phone. I can’t believe he didn’t even have the balls to tell me goodbye. Mexico changed him. It changed us, and I’m not sure I want the kind of relationship where I’m going to always be worried he’s going to leave me in the middle of the night on some secret mission.
How am I supposed to have his back when he didn’t even make sure I was there to do it? I dial his number, expecting him to send me to voice mail. When he answers, I immediately lose it before ‘hello’ even comes out of his mouth.
“I can’t believe you left without saying goodbye, Kaleb. How do you expect me to be able to breathe until you get back when my mind will be a clusterf*ck worrying about you? I saved your ass in Afghanistan. I tried like hell to kill as many as I could in Mexico, while your f*cking team pulled away without you.” He tries to interrupt me, but I’m so goddamn angry that my words keep spewing out of my mouth. “Then, when you were hanging from a motherf*cking tree and the damn Mexicans were pissing on your legs, I’m the one who killed each and every one of them. Your team may be strategic and careful… but I love you. There’s not a stronger loyalty than that, Kaleb. How could you just leave me out of this? I know you. I know you’re going to find Ty or do something you want me to stay away from. Well, Kaleb. I hate to tell you, I won’t tolerate being treated like a f*cking fragile little bitch who has to stay at home and keep house while you’re out saving the damn world. I don’t know what it was about me that made you think I’d sit back and take this without fighting you on it.”
“Jade. Stop.” His stern words enrage me even more.
“No, Kaleb. You f*cking stop. I’m dying here, knowing you’re going on a mission and I didn’t even get the chance to kiss you goodbye, or to discuss any of this with you. Have you ever thought that this mission may go bad and how I’ll feel if I never see you again? You know damn well that could happen on any day in our careers. Just like you wouldn’t tolerate me doing this to you, I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to me.”
“What’re you saying, Jade?” I stop. What am I saying? Can I deal with this kind of stress on a normal basis? Do I really want to give up everything to be treated like this when I’ve worked my life to be treated as an equal? If I can’t even get that in my relationship, how do I expect to get it in my career?
“I can’t do this, Kaleb. I love you, but I can’t live like this.” His silence is gutting me. My tears slide down my face with anger and sadness as I tell him what I wish like hell I didn’t have to. But I have to remember who I am in this. I have no idea where to find him or how to help him, and I’ll be absolutely consumed with worry until I hear they made it back, but I’ll have to distance myself from him in the future. He’s forcing that on me with his actions.
I hate to do this over the phone, and I really despise fighting with him before he leaves on a mission. I may not be able to have a real relationship with him, but that doesn’t change the fact I f*cking love this man and I’ll be totally destroyed from all of this. “Please, just be safe. I’ll be here when you get back.” I lie. I can’t have him out there doing his job and worrying about us at the same time. For his safety and for my heart right now in this moment, he needs to think we’ll be alright.
“Jade. I wish like f*ck I could tell you.” Every time he talks, another piece of my heart breaks.
“We both know you could, you just choose not to. But I understand.” I’m trying like hell to be sympathetic here. I swallow hard, holding my chest with my free hand, while I fight through the giant lump in my throat to end this call. “I love you, Kaleb. I’ll see you soon.” I close my eyes and stop breathing as I wait for his response. His voice is raspy and uncertain when he finally speaks.
“I love you too, baby. Just tell me we’ll work through this when I get back. Because I am coming back, Jade. I’m coming back to you.” The tears escape fast as I squeeze my eyes closed tightly, knowing I can’t ever see him again.
“I’ll be here. Please be safe.” I hit end and sit on the edge of the bed, feeling the weight of the words from the call. My heart hurts, and I know I’m right about not being able to see him again. He has always had a way of owning me when he’s near me. If I let him get close to me, I know exactly what he’ll try to do. He’ll coax me with his ability to strip me bare, because that’s exactly what he’s done. He’s left me exposed, naked in a way I may never recover from. Kaleb Maverick has peeled away the hard shell I’ve had guarding my heart, and now he’s left me bleeding.
I hear Harris’ footsteps as he walks to the doorway, stopping to lean against it after he asks me, “You alright?”
“No, I’m not. He’s treating me like a civilian girlfriend he can’t share shit with. Or hell, it could be worse. Is he just doing this to keep me from going because he’s trying to protect me? Either way, I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I’ve worked my ass off to prove I’m capable of being strong and that I’m not afraid to take out any enemy or threat in the way of completing a mission. So what if I got pissed at the team for taking off without him? I would’ve been pissed to leave anyone there. I mean, hell, we just left him there to be eaten alive by the enemy.” I stand and start to pace back and forth as I talk. “He’s hiding something from me, and I can’t deal with that. What did he say to you exactly?”