Eloping with the Princess (Brotherhood of the Sword #3)(41)
“My dear son, you know that London does not work that way. My reputation would be in ruins. I can live with that. In truth, it is no more than I deserve.” She took a slow sip of her drink. “And were I the only one to suffer, I would welcome the scandal, but you and I both know that it would not merely affect me or you.” She was silent for a moment, studying his face. “The truth would not only destroy you and me, it would destroy our entire family. Your brother’s name as viscount would be forever tarnished. Even though he is the legitimate heir, there would always be doubts. The rumors about him would never end, and they would carry over to his son. Is that truly the fate you want him to have?”
But if Jason could walk away from this mantle…if he could but tell the world that he was a bastard, that he wasn’t the rightful heir, then he’d be free to be with Isabel as a man can be with his wife. He’d be free to sire her children. But as it was now, he could not take the risk of getting her with child. One bastard heir would produce only another bastard heir, and that was unacceptable.
His mother leaned forward and took his hands in hers. “My dear love, this was my indiscretion. Why do you continue to punish yourself for something over which you had no control?” Tears glistened in her eyes, eyes that matched his own. “We had been married for nearly five years, and I desperately wanted a child.” She shook her head. “Your father forgave me. He loved you as his own. We rejoiced together in your birth. Yet you continue to live as if there is no penance good enough to cleanse you.”
Tears slid down her cheeks, and guilt sliced through him. He was being selfish. Every time he mentioned this to her, he reminded her of her infidelity. She’d been young and foolish, and his parents had moved forward with the joint decision that no one would ever know the truth of Jason’s lineage—that he was the son of their stable master. He’d become their heir, a child they hadn’t thought was possible since they had assumed his father was unable to sire a child. And then Patrick had come—the rightful heir, a surprise, nearly four years after Jason’s birth. By then it would have been too scandalous to make things right.
He wiped away her tears. “I do not blame you. I just feel guilty, wrong, living this life when it should belong to Patrick and his son.”
“Your brother has a loving wife and two beautiful children. They have enough money, and they love living in the country most of the year. He needs nothing more,” his mother said. “You know that Suzanne doesn’t care for the bustle of London.”
“Perhaps, but maybe he’d have made different choices had he been given the chance,” Jason said.
“Yes, we all would have made different choices had we been given the opportunity to do so, but life does not work in such a way. If I might be so bold, you will not be satisfied with a marriage with no intimacy, Jason, especially with Isabel. She is a lovely woman. I have seen the way you look at her.”
“I will not continue the line of this title with another bastard child,” Jason said.
“It would not be a bastard. You and Isabel are married. Any of your children would be legitimate.”
“Any child of mine will be tarnished by my own bastard blood.”
“At some point you will need to decide that this one thing doesn’t have to define you.” She paused a moment before continuing. “I know it is not common for a mother to discuss this, but you do realize there are ways to be intimate without producing a child.”
“I do not wish to discuss this with you.” He did little to hide his exasperation in hopes she would leave him to his own thoughts.
“Jason,” she said.
He could readily tell that she was not going to abandon this discussion. He knew how to silence her forever on this subject, but he’d never shared this with anyone. He would not continue to fight with his mother about consummating his marriage. “Of course, I know that,” he said. “I also know that those methods are not foolproof.” He looked down at her feet. “If you must know, I did everything I could to prevent a child with my mistress, but she became pregnant.”
His mother sucked in a breath.
“She subsequently lost the babe before it was born.” He rubbed a hand down his face and exhaled slowly. “I am well familiar with the so-called ways to prevent a child.”
“I never knew,” she said quietly.
“No one save me and my former mistress know. It has been years, and it is not something I discuss.”
She placed her hands on his face, cradling him. “You were not created within the bounds of marriage, but your father and I loved each other very much and you are loved, my son. Now you have a beautiful wife. You could finally have the life I’ve always wanted for you.”
He didn’t expect her to understand. He loved her perhaps even more because she didn’t, because she never questioned his worth, but that didn’t mean she was right. He kissed her forehead.
“You should get some sleep, Mother.”
She nodded and left the room. At least he wasn’t angry any longer. Of course, his situation with Isabel still hadn’t changed, but his mother was right about one thing. He couldn’t ignore his wife forever, refuse her any intimacy. He’d likely go mad in the process. He was a man of great control, certainly he could use that skill in bed with his wife. There was passion between him and Isabel, that he could not deny. There could also be pleasure.