Driftwood Lane (Nantucket #4)(75)
Meridith wanted that too. She was only beginning to see how much God loved her. She wanted that love to be her foundation so that everything else held steady.
“He loves us so much. Look at how He’s blessed you with those kids. Your dad left them to you, Meridith. He knew leaving you was wrong, and I know he felt ashamed. Eva didn’t say much about it, but enough to make me aware that T. J. regretted the void he’d left you with. Thank God we have a heavenly Father who can fill all our voids.”
I want that, God. I want what Rita has—a real relationship with You. I want You to fill all my voids. She remembered what the pastor said every Sunday about repentance. I’m sorry for all the wrong I’ve done, for the way it’s stood between You and me.
“What’s wrong?” Rita’s nose wrinkled, the freckles gathering. “I’ve only confused you, haven’t I?”
Meridith smiled for the first time that morning. “Actually, things are very right. You’ve helped me see some things—the difference between religion and faith, I think.”
Rita smiled. “Oh, wow. Really? All that blathering made sense?”
“It did to me. Thank you.”
“My pleasure, honey.”
“Now if I can just get a handle on this Jake thing.”
“Well, I don’t how to tell you this, but sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of is the thing you need most.”
Meridith pedaled toward Brant Point. The afternoon heat had burnt off the morning chill hours ago, and her legs ached from pedaling. But she wasn’t ready to go home. She still had so much thinking to do before she faced Jake.
When she reached the lighthouse, she dismounted and set the kickstand. The lighthouse stood like a solid sentinel guarding the harbor. It had withstood the tests of time and storms. As if some of that fortitude might rub off, she lowered herself at the structure’s base among the boulders, bracing her back against the weathered white shingles.
A few cumulus clouds had gathered, and one slid in front of the sun, darkening the landscape.
All the things she’d experienced since coming to the island had culminated in a kind of spiritual understanding that clarified things. Trusting wasn’t easy for her, and trusting God would be a daily challenge, but she saw now it was what she’d been missing. A crucial piece of the puzzle had slid into place.
But what did she do with these feelings for Jake? Sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of is the thing you need most. Rita’s words had haunted her all morning.
How could she fear the very thing she needed? And how could she surrender to something so terrifying?
One day at a time. Her friend’s words had a way of surfacing at the most annoying times.
Would the fear ever leave? Maybe if she came to trust Jake and found him reliable. Maybe if she saw that the unsettled feeling he triggered could lead to something good. The kiss had been good; she couldn’t deny that. Very good.
The clouds shifted, and Meridith squinted against the glare on the water. God, I don’t know what to do. Show me the way and give me the courage to do what I should.
The wind blew across the sound, fanning her face with a cool breath. Could she face her fear and let her love for Jake bloom? What about their future? She had no doubt he’d be a great father for the children, but she was selling the house. Was he willing to leave Nantucket?
One day at a time. Maybe it wasn’t such bad advice. Despite what she’d learned in childhood, change could be good, right? If she could just let loose and let it happen. The thought sent a tremor of fear through her.
She’d learned early to hold on tightly, to control her surroundings, her feelings. But control didn’t buy safety. She couldn’t even control her feelings, much less anything else. Control was a false foundation that crumbled and left her vulnerable.
She didn’t need to control. She needed to let go and trust God, and it was hard. But He was her new foundation. She pictured it beneath her, solid and unwavering. It would be okay.
Meridith checked her watch and saw it was nearing time for the children’s return. She stood, dusting the sand from her jeans, then hopped back on her bike and pedaled toward the house.
Forty
Meridith stayed busy all week waxing the wood floors and finishing the scrapbooks in her spare time. The Goldmans had returned their signed papers with a down payment, and the sale was a done deal. The closing was in thirty days.
She should’ve been relieved. Not only was the house sold, but it was going to a nice couple who appreciated its history. Instead, though, she felt only trepidation about telling the children. About leaving Jake. She found herself praying a lot, feeling lost, and praying anyway. She’d have to tell them soon. Next week, before the end of school, so they could say good-bye to their friends and have almost a month to adjust to the idea.
She’d expected Jake to pressure her, but he’d surprised her. He was nothing more than friendly, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Sometimes she caught him staring with longing in his eyes, but as soon as she caught his eye, he looked away. If not for those moments, she might’ve thought she had imagined the kiss and his declaration of love.
On Wednesday as she was making dinner, she saw movement on the beach. She set the casserole on the stovetop to cool and walked to the window. Jake was out there. She could only see him from the shoulder up because of the grassy slope. He bent over, disappeared, then stood.