Destroyed(122)

Ben enveloped us in a hug when we reached him. His masculine smell of Old Spice hurt my heart thinking of another man. A man who hadn’t shown up to say goodbye.

How could he? I’d nursed hope that he’d show. That he would put aside his wrongness and issues and come to honour Clara’s life.

He was never normal and I fell in love with a fraud.

Ben kissed my cheek, whispering, “He’s here. Been here the entire time.”

I froze, looking into his dark eyes. My body sparked, throbbing with energy after a week of dullness. “Where?”

He conspicuously cocked his head to the small hill to the right. Sure enough, a black splodge broke the perfection of green sweeping grass.

My hands balled and I wanted nothing more than to run up the hill and punch him. I wanted him to feel the pain I did. The knife clipped in my hair could find another home lodged in his lifeless heart.

I gritted my teeth. “I don’t want to see him.”

Clue shook her head. “You need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You need to listen to what he has to say, Zel.”

I frowned, pissed at her. “Why are you on his side all of a sudden? If I told you what he’s done—”

“Maybe I should tell you what he’s done.” Clue grabbed my arm. “Zel, he was the one who found this piece of land. He was the one who called me and told me he’d pay for all the arrangements, including the exclusive use of the fields.”

My heart ceased to beat. Confusion swirled making me feel slightly sick. He’d meddled. He’d contributed to her funeral all without my knowledge. I couldn’t untangle how that made me feel. “What? Why?”

She sighed. “I thought it was obvious. He loves you.”

My eyes widened as a sharp shock travelled through my heart. A tug, a bolt of aliveness reminded me I couldn’t live with the ghost of my daughter. I couldn’t live in a world of tears and sorrow. I belonged with the present and it killed me all over again at the thought of walking away from Clara and moving on without her.

“He needs you, mummy. Don’t be mad.”

I shook my head. “That’s not possible.” He doesn’t know the meaning of love. How could a man who couldn’t even be touched understand the meaning of unconditional love? He loved Clara. I hated that I stabbed a hole in my own conclusions. He was capable, and beneath the issues, he was kind and sweet and eager to please.

Shit.

Fire filled my body, making me steam with rage for everything I couldn’t change.

Clue scowled, temper staining her cheeks. “Well, if you feel that strongly, you need to say goodbye. End it properly. Otherwise it will haunt you. And you owe him a thank you at least.”

Ben captured Clue, dragging her against him. “No need to get upset, little fortune cookie. I know you’re hurting, but you can’t force Zel to be with someone just because you don’t want her to be alone.”

My eyes shot to Ben’s. He gave me a small smile. I didn’t know how to react. I liked that he had my back, but I didn’t like that he saw me weak and needing someone to ‘save’ me. Did they think I’d do something stupid now Clara was gone?

I wanted to scream: I can’t do anything reckless. I can’t forfeit my life to sadness because I’m f*cking pregnant.

But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to focus on that hiccup yet. My thoughts belonged to Clara. It was treason to think and make plans without her. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be so heartless and forget her so quickly.

Pursing my lips together, I looked over Ben’s shoulder and flinched.

The black spot on the hill stood upright and came toward us. I cursed the flutter in my stomach. I threatened to cut out my eager heart. I shouldn’t love someone who ran when I needed him most. I couldn’t condone his actions. I wouldn’t live with a man who couldn’t touch. He needed serious help, and I wasn’t the woman who would heal him. I wasn’t strong enough.

Clue and Ben drifted away, leaving me exposed and waiting for Fox to arrive.

“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

I wished Clara’s voice would stop. She sounded so wise. Pushing me into solutions I wasn’t ready to accept. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted her to come back to life so I could pretend the world was perfect and never cruel.

He stopped a foot away, grey-white eyes as bleak as any snowstorm. “I had to come. I had to say goodbye to her.”

I stayed silent, not trusting myself to be able to speak without screaming or crying.

He moved forward a step. “Zel. I’m so unbelievably sorry. I can’t ever express how much I wish I could rewind time.” He looked like a black mountain, shuddering occasionally with grief. “I know you’ll never forgive me, but I had to see you. Had to talk to you and explain.”

I studied him. His face held shadows of bruises, his jaw slightly puffy. He’d been in another fight—searching for a way out of this hell. His black jacket and trousers swallowed the brightness of the day. He’d always favoured black and now I knew why. He was death incarnate. Everything he touched turned to ruin.

I flinched, dropping my gaze. I couldn’t look at him.

“He needs you. Don’t be mad.”