Desperation Road(55)

Maben opened the curtains and the moonlight fell through the window. She paced back and forth across the room barefoot so not to wake Annalee. The red tip of her cigarette floated in the dark like a fairy.

She paused at the window and looked out across the quiet land and up into the starred sky. The chirping and croaking and a distant howl.

I gotta get the fuck out of here, she thought. And she paced again.

It was too much. The clean, air-conditioned room for them to sleep in. The Mexican woman bringing them food from a kitchen. The old man’s way with Annalee and the worry drained from Annalee’s face. The man who seemed to be doing whatever he could to help them for nothing in return. It wasn’t the way she had been accustomed to doing things. Something for nothing. Not in her world. And in this still and hollow night she was deciding to beat it out of there before the tide shifted. No matter what they feed you and how sweet they smile and no matter how many times he sticks his neck out to help you it ain’t gonna last and you know it. Don’t sit here like a dumbass and wait for the bottom to fall out.

She turned from the window and walked across the room and grabbed a cigarette and lighter from the bedside table. She then walked out the door and down the steps. The dew wet her feet as she walked out into the yard and she smoked down her cigarette and tossed the butt. After she had lit the new one she bent down and picked up the butt and stabbed it out and stuck it in her pocket.

She tilted back her head and gazed at the vast night sky. The white moon and a panorama of stars and she found the Big Dipper and maybe the Little Dipper but there were so damn many tiny lights that the clusters ran together and seemed to wash out the constellations. It seemed to her almost false. Like the heavens were only pretending to be this striking and the curtain would be pulled back and unveil a deeper and dulled shade of black.

She turned and looked at the window of the room above the barn. Annalee was so clean. So fed. So asleep. Maben then looked around and there was the Virgin, standing tall and basking in the moonlight. She walked over to her.

There wasn’t much she knew from the Bible but she knew about Mary because Maben had always wondered how she did it. Yes the angel came and explained it but Maben had gotten lost in enough of her own strange dreams to believe that Mary could have easily dismissed it. Woke up the next day and told her momma about the crazy shit that filled her head. An angel with great big wings and golden hair and the air of God came to me and told me that I’m about to be pregnant with a holy seed. And not just any holy seed but the holy seed. Crazy shit. But Mary had listened and believed and heard the whispers and saw them looking at her as her belly grew and Joseph hadn’t asked her to marry him yet. And then Maben had wondered how the hell Joseph did it too. Mary told him I’m still a virgin and this child is not of another man but of God and the good and faithful and maybe naive Joseph said okay. Maybe he was naive or maybe he was something else that Maben knew she wasn’t.

She stared up at the concrete statue and then she reached out and touched her hand to Mary’s robe.

“It ain’t that easy,” Maben whispered.

Maben then tossed her cigarette and she leaned into the statue. Mary’s arms above Maben’s head and Maben slowly wrapped her arms around the Virgin’s waist and hugged. She closed her eyes and let her weight fall against the statue and in this brilliant and anxious night she halfway expected her own miracle. Halfway expected Mary’s arms to return her embrace. And then to hear her voice rise above the sounds of the natural world and sing to her some beautiful lullaby that Maben had never heard before. A melodic, spiritual song that would seep into her soul and tenderly set it free.





39


ON MONDAY MORNING HE WAS AWAKENED BY A KNOCK ON THE door. He sat up straight in the bed as if startled from an anxious dream. The light came full in the windows and he could tell that he had slept well into the morning. He put on his shirt and jeans and he opened the bedroom door and walked toward the front door where the knocking continued. He reached through the broken window and peeked around the blue tarp and saw the sheriff’s department cruiser parked in the driveway. He walked back into the bedroom and with his foot pushed the shotgun under the bed and then he unlocked the front door and Boyd was standing there.

“Hey there,” Boyd said.

Russell squinted at the sunshine. Moved his head around to stretch his neck and then he stepped back and told Boyd to come in. Boyd stepped into the living room and he walked around the sofa. Russell asked him if he wanted some coffee and he said no but Russell went into the kitchen to make some anyway. As he made the coffee he could hear Boyd walking around with lazy steps. He left the coffee to drip and when he walked back into the living room Boyd was looking at the Playboy.

“Shit,” Boyd said. “Been a while since I looked at one of these. Is it me or have they got better?”

“Hard to tell,” Russell said.

He tossed the magazine onto the couch. “Don’t guess pretty girls are any prettier now than they used to be.”

Russell rubbed at his eyes. His neck. His forearms. He was sore all over. Felt like he could lie back down and sleep the rest of the day. He sat down on the couch and stretched out his legs and Boyd leaned against the wall.

“What is it?” Russell asked. “You got a shitty poker face.”

Boyd laughed a little nervous laugh. “I was just wondering where you been.”