Desperation Road(52)

She pushed back the bill of the cap. Her lips parted.

But she didn’t say anything.

He eased on. Rolled down the hill. Stopped in the middle of the bridge. Metal rails had replaced the rotted wooden rails. Initials and hearts and a smiley face and a pentagram had been spray-painted on the rails.

“You need to get rid of that thing,” he said.

She looked out her window and across the creek. Sunlight glared across the wet rocks and ripples. The banks were overgrown with heavy green brush and on down a little ways a tree had fallen across.

“I’m not throwing it out here,” she said. A tremble in her voice.

He got out of the truck and walked around to her side and opened the door. Get on out he said and he turned to look at the water. She took off the cap and set it on the seat. Dropped her head and when she raised it she wiped her eyes. And then she stepped onto the bridge. They stood at the rail, looking down into the water and across into the woods. The hole created by the crashing vehicles had long since been filled in with new growth.

“What made you think to come out here?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he said.

She looked him up and down.

“Am I supposed to know you?”

Russell pointed toward the hilltop and said a few years back or more than a few years back I didn’t have nothing else to do one night so I started riding around. Ended up drinking some. Met this girl in town and we messed around for a little while and that got me to feeling even better. So after I dropped her off at her car I kept on riding and kept on drinking. By myself. Killing a night. That was all. Somehow though I ended up pretty drunk. Ended up coming over that hill. Ended up in a bad wreck right here.

He pushed his hands into his pockets.

“You’re lying,” she said.

“No.”

“There ain’t no way.”

“That’s what I been telling myself since I found you.”

“You didn’t find me. I found you.”

She turned her back to the water and sat down on the rail. “Jesus. I wish I knew what made the world turn like it does. Spins strange sometimes. Spins stranger for some people anyhow.”

He picked up a rock and tossed it into the creek.

“I thought you was in jail,” she said.

“I was. Got home about three days ago. Right on time.”

“How long has it been?”

“Long time. Eleven years.”

“Russell. Is that right?”

“That’s right.”

She stood up from the rail and walked a lap around the truck. When she came back around she said I hated your guts. Used to pray every night that somebody was beating the shit out of you or holding you down. Used to pray for that. Dear God I’d say and then the rest with the bad words and everything. Bet He couldn’t wait every night to hear that one. She looked back across the water and into the woods. Then I got tired of it. Just like that. Woke up one morning and I was too tired to hate you anymore. Too tired to hate what happened. By then I was a long ways from home and running on fumes and you didn’t matter no more.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t. Don’t start that up. Don’t come out here with that. That was eleven years ago. That shit don’t matter no more. Ain’t you listening?” She bent over and grabbed her hair with both hands. Mumbled and grunted. Raised up and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes.

“I never said it then so I thought I’d say it now.”

“Why? Don’t change nothing,” she said and she slapped her hands by her sides. “Might make you feel better but it don’t change nothing.”

“Don’t really make me feel better.”

“Then shut the hell up.”

She took another lap. Let it go let it go she repeated as she walked. Rubbed her temples with her index fingers. She then stood in front of him. Took two deep breaths and nodded toward the creek.

“I ain’t throwing that gun in there.”

“You got to throw it somewhere. In about the next fifteen minutes. I’m not riding around with it anymore.”

“Shit. Guess not. You’re guilty as I am right now.”

“Not right. You pointed it at me and told me to drive. I did. Otherwise I ain’t seen it. Your word on mine.”

“That should make for some fine damn discussion seeing how upstanding we both are.”

“Just throw it.”

“And then what? Then you take me home. Wanna make it all right. Wanna pay for it all in one big splash.”

“I already paid for it. You can look at this however you want. The way I see it once that gun is gone that’s it. That’s it between you and what you did and between you and me and whatever I’m doing standing here. Thing is, I’ve ended up believing everything you said and if it’s true then I’m glad you shot that asshole. I don’t even know who he was but I can see him in my head. If you’re lying then I’m the dumbass. But many times I wish I would’ve had a gun to shoot whoever had ahold of me. Been many times God heard what you were praying and He damn sure answered. So you can believe He’s up there.”

“He heard me then. Not no other times.”

“I don’t care about when He heard you and when He didn’t. It didn’t exactly work out for nobody.”