Deploy, Part One (Rawlings #1)(89)

In seven days you’re going to be home, a Marine, the family is going to think you’re the best thing since gravy and I’m going to be the crazy tree loving hippy (yeah, I sent the letters—a lot). And I’m good with that. Take her out when you get back. Tell her you’re an * but if she gives you half the chance you might grow on her.

Catch you in a few...

Declan almost crinkled the letter, had nearly done so before he stopped himself.

“Just let this sink in a bit, Declan. You don’t have to read them now.”

He didn’t say a word, just bowed his head again.

“Your family needs you,” Justice said quietly.

A hurt smirk emerged but he never looked at her.

“I’m serious. There is no blame there. That fight was expected, and forgotten.”

Another shake of his head.

The silence across the next few minutes was terrifying. The sickening weight of grief and regrets were heavy in the air.

“Declan, we need to talk...”

He shook his head and leaned up. “I don’t want to hear it,” he said and he meant it.

“You have no choice because you’re going to hear it from me before I let you hear it anywhere else.”

“What?” he roared. “You want to tell me someone else is drowning in the smell of strawberries and champagne, that they’re lying across your fiery blush, making you smile, driving you crazy?”

“Yes!” she yelled back so ready to kick him, hit him, something. Every chance this boy got he accused her of sleeping with someone else, when the bare bones of it was he was the one with every opportunity to step out.

She slammed what was in her hands against his chest. “It’s all there. I didn’t f*cking tell you because you didn’t call. Should I have tracked you? Maybe. But I was mad, and right now I’m not feeling much better about it.”

He looked down at the thick envelope and the iPod in his hand, lost as ever.

“The ‘man’ in my bed is Declan James Nolan.” Her eyes welled. “He is five weeks and three days old...and looks just like his father.”

Declan’s hands started to tremble. His heart was thundering and nothing was making sense to him. This day, this afternoon had tested him, and put him through more emotions than his entire time in the Corps.

“You—you kept this from me!” he roared.

Her blue gaze raced across his, anger and disbelief clashing on both sides. “I wasn’t going to trap you. I’m not a burden.”

He threw his hands to the side. “So denying me my own blood sounded like a better idea to you? That’s your truth?”

“My truth?” she huffed. “You stole my first kiss, my first touch, my virginity and acted like nothing happened the next time I saw you.” She glared. “You’re good at ignoring me. I was going to tell you when I saw you. When you got over your last bout of pretending I don’t exist.”

He charged her but stopped an inch from her, his face wincing with emotion. “Mine. Mine—this was wrong.”

She bowed her head, silent tears dripped to the ground. “I know...” she looked up at him. “I was hurt.”

“This is the wrong way to hurt me back,” he said just as sharply, but lacking the thunder in his voice. “Do you have any idea—” He stopped short only because he saw it, all of his last tour flashed before his eyes. “I could have died never knowing.”

She’d thought the same but was fast to push it away, hearing him say it, and knowing he never bothered to exaggerate what he saw, what he went through, that at best it was hard to even get him to speak about it cut right through her.

“Why didn’t you write back when I told you I had the letters, why didn’t you call?”

He gripped what was in his hand and wanted to understand what it was but afraid to at the same time. “I was only a few weeks from home...wanted to see you.”

“One letter saying as much and I would have told you everything. I was scared, Declan.”

He shook his head. “Don’t. This was wrong.”

“And would it have been right for you to have another worry there? For you to make whatever choices you had about your career with this as an underlining issue? For me or you to not know if we are where we want to be for the right reasons?”

“How would this not be the right reason? How would it not be something I should consider?”

She shook her head. “I’m not trapping you.”

What was in his hands, as precious as it may be, hit the ground as he gripped her shoulders and pulled her closer. “I love you!” She melted just a bit, it was hard to keep up with the sharp twist in his emotions. “You keep saying burden, trap—it’s all bullshit,” His hold was still strong but not as desperate when he figured out she wasn’t running from him. “That night of the storm...” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to leave anymore, and it wasn’t because I thought you couldn’t handle it or you were weak. It was because I wanted to be with you. You were reachable seconds before I had to leave and there was nothing I could do about it.”

One hand reached for her face as his gaze searched hers. “I’ve never trusted myself to be good enough for you.” He swallowed harshly. “I gave you space, time to figure out who you are. I didn’t want to trap you.”