Dear Life(94)

Just as I’m getting settled into this new comfort, forgetting everything I previously said to him, he steps back from me, leaving me feeling empty, lost.

Touching my lips, I look up at his strong features hidden under his baseball hat. By the determination in his eyes, I can tell he isn’t going to make it easy on me to keep denying him.

“I needed that,” he huffs, lifting his hat quickly to run his hand through his hair. When his hat is settled again, he says, “Mind telling me what’s going on?”

“I was at a bachelorette party.”

“Hollyn, I swear to God, do not fucking lie to me right now. I’m not in the mood.” He lifts his hat again and that’s when I catch a glimpse of the bruising under his eye.

“Do you have a black eye?” I step closer to examine his face.

“Yeah, doesn’t matter. I want to know what’s running through that pretty, yet frustrating head of yours.”

I step even closer and stand on my toes to reach his eye. My thumb strokes the bruising and he winces from the soft touch.

“What happened, Jace?”

Sensing my determination to change the subject, he capitulates with a sigh. “Ethan got in my face today in the locker room, said some stuff I didn’t appreciate, and we got into it. Coach fined me, Ethan got stitches, and it’s over. Now tell me why you’re ignoring me.”

“What did he say to you?”

“Christ, Hollyn.” Frustration rolls through him with every clench of his jaw. “I don’t care what happened earlier, what I care about is you. Let me ask you something, do you care about me?”

“Of course,” I say, acutely aware of my pinched brow. How could I not care about him?

“Then stop avoiding the question; what is going on? Are you scared? Are you regretting what we did? Are you thinking I’m not the kind of guy you want to hang out with? Because excuse me for being fucking paranoid, but it seemed like we were really clicking, we were able to lean on each other, until we had sex.” He looks around my hallway and notices the close proximity of my neighbors’ doors. “Can we do this inside please?”

Inside. He’s never been inside my place. He’s come here to pick me up a time or two, but never inside. Inviting him inside, into my world, now that’s terrifying. Beyond the threshold is a world of haunting memories from the pictures on the wall, to the clothes in the closet, to the sports memorabilia placed appropriately around the apartment. It’s a deep reminder of everything Eric, and I don’t know if I want Jace to see it. I’m not quite ready.

“Actually, want to grab a drink? There is a bar right around the corner we can go to. Do you mind driving?”

“Don’t want me to see your place yet?” he asks, seeing right through me. “That’s okay, we can just talk in my car. This won’t take long.”

This won’t take long? What does that mean? I don’t get much time to think about it as Jace guides me down the stairs and straight to his vehicle. Ever the gentleman, he opens the door for me, and while I wait for him to walk around to his side, I fidget in my seat, a quiver in my stomach of what’s to come.

The door slams shut behind him and instead of turning to me, he rests his elbow on the side of his door and looks out the front window.

“Last year was one of the best years of my life,” he starts, his voice low, gruff. “I finally made it to the majors. I had no one to share it with, but hell, I was damn proud of myself. Not just because I killed the season, but because I’d faced adversity to get to where I was. I overcame challenge after challenge. As a foster kid, despite being placed with fairly decent families, I didn’t have parents to buy me the latest and greatest equipment, nor did I have a dad to practice with me in the backyard. I had a brick wall, a glove from the thrift store, and one baseball. But it was my life, my dream. I didn’t give up because I wanted something better for myself. I wanted to pull myself out of the dark, and make something for my life.” He turns to me, the scruff on his jaw making him look menacing in the moonlight. “Don’t you want that, Hollyn? Don’t you want something better for yourself?”

Tears well up in my eyes. I really do want something better. I want to be able to walk down the street and not be reminded of all the times Eric and I took strolls late at night. I want to be able to watch a sports game without needing to crawl into a fetal position, and I want to be able to fall asleep without having to listen to Eric’s voice.

But I don’t know how to get there. I feel like I’ve made leaps toward living, but there is still a roadblock in my way, stopping me from finally making that last push.

Fear.

I’m terrified to let go and not have memories of Eric in my mind anymore. I don’t want to forget him because he’s a part of me.

“I want more, Jace. But losing him, it was so heartbreaking.” I take a deep breath. “You would have liked him. You would have been friends. He was my life: vivacious, instilled confidence in me, and one of the most selfless men I’ve ever known. He became my best friend overnight, but we fit as if we’d known each other our whole lives. I’m terrified I’ll forget all of that, that I’ll forget the memories of what we shared. That I’ll forget him. I’m so scared I’ll forget him.

“And that night, our night, you and me,” I sigh, reaching deep down to find a way to communicate my feelings, “that night was perfect. From the way you caressed me, to the raw need we had for each other, to the way you held me after. It was everything I could have ever asked for, and yet, I left feeling so damn guilty. Do I have the right to feel like that with another man?” Tears stream down my face. “My life has been silent for so long and then you came along and brought music, lightness, and a brief glimpse of happiness into it.”