Dear Life(84)

“Maybe you should trust me rather than assuming the worst of me, Carter. I can and already have formed my own opinion of you, and I don’t need that man’s help. And right about now, my opinion of you is quite low, not because of what he said, but because of the way you don’t trust me.” She goes to leave but then turns around, determination in her eyes. “Weren’t you the one who said ‘own you’? Maybe try living by your own words, Carter, you might be surprised what you find.”

Without another word, she heads off to the church hall to join the rest of the group, leaving me to chew on my own damn words.

Own you.

Yeah, fuck that. What is there to own? I’m a pathetic mess of a man with no future in sight. Who the hell would want to own that?

***

Dear Life,

Learn something new. That was the task this past session. At first, I thought maybe I let the program down, never really fixating on something to learn, something real. That was until I sat down in class today and listened to Marleen’s story.

Learn something new.

I didn’t learn a concrete task, something tangible that I could hold in my hand like how to throw pottery, or how to make the perfect chocolate soufflé. This was something internal, some serious soul-searching stuff.

I learned something new about myself. There is a strength within me I didn’t know existed. I took a step forward. It was the first time in the past year and a half I blacked out my past and lived in the present. I had no idea I could even do such a thing, to look past my demons, the heaviness of loss weighing over me, and enjoy the moment.

And I did.

The only problem? I feel guilty as hell, even though it felt so good. And I have no idea what my next step is.

Sincerely,

Hollyn



Dear Life,

One step forward, two steps back.

I finally felt courageous and asked for something I wanted. I was so nervous and so unsure. He makes me feel that, and I don’t think that is how one should feel in a relationship.

What is the definition of a relationship and what is the definition of what Carter and I share? Because frankly, I’m so confused. It was never this hard for ladies like Marilyn Monroe and Rosemary Clooney. They were able to easily fall in love, yes they had their blips in the road, but their relationships were well defined. How come mine isn’t?

Is Carter still hung up on this ex-girlfriend? Does he really want to use me for a physical connection and that’s it?

This whole program was supposed to be about changing me, about living, so why do I feel so stuck again? I’m checking off the boxes, I’m moving forward, but instead of a leisurely drive, I’m riding one heck of a roller coaster.

Maybe this is what life is. One giant, nauseating, and confusing roller coaster. Funny, coming from the girl who was born and raised on a merry-go-round.

Kind regards,

Daisy



Dear Life,

Have you ever wrestled so much with your emotions that you feel almost paralyzed?

That’s where I am. Paralyzed.

Hollyn, hell, being with her was one of the most raw and carnal things I’ve ever experienced. As if we were meant to heal each other. I woke up that next morning feeling so damn alive that the plague of Hope’s future didn’t touch me immediately.

But that didn’t last long, not when my lawyer called, informing me that Rebecca might actually have a valid case, and we might have to go to court. How is that even possible? That’s what I want to know. How on earth can someone change their mind about a baby? She signed the papers, and that should be binding. This isn’t elementary school where we can fight over “take-backsies.”

This is a real human life.

The only thing I have going for me right now, the knowledge that Rebecca’s living arrangements, employment, and mental state don’t make her suitable enough to care for Hope.

I just can’t comprehend her thinking in this entire mess. I don’t think I ever will.

Jace



Dear Life,

Own you, yeah, fuck you.

Carter





Step Six: Face Your Fears


HOLLYN


“Pass the Cheez Whiz, you’ve been hogging it this entire time,” I say, reaching for the slowly diminishing can of processed goodness.

“Don’t even think about it.” My hand is slapped away by Grams, Daisy’s grandma. “I’m old and wrinkly, therefore I get to bogart the Cheez Whiz.”

I slouch down in the corner seat of the couch. “But I was the one who brought it.”

Grams pats my leg and sprays a pile into her mouth. “And I already said thank you, dearie. Hasn’t anyone ever told you gloating doesn’t look good on you?”

Shocked, I look to Daisy for help but she just shrugs her shoulders apologetically. “She likes the Whiz.”

“You have to let the elderly get what they want,” Amanda says, licking a Tootsie Pop. Like, actually licking.

“Don’t you know if you suck on the lollipop, you will get to the center faster?” I suggest, my tongue feeling her tongue’s pain with every scrape of her taste bud against the hard-coated candy.

“Sometimes it’s not about instant gratification, but the road you take to get there,” Amanda says, licking again with a purpose.

“I would rather have instant gratification. I’m a sucker.” I wink.