Dear Life(81)

“But then, I got pregnant. On a bender, I was careless, didn’t use protection. The fear I faced the moment I saw the positive test in my hand, it was so consuming, I wasn’t sure if I could even walk out of the bathroom. I was pregnant. And the horrible thing was, I wasn’t scared about raising a baby, I was scared of giving up the only happiness I was aware of. Fear ate me alive, to the point that I kicked up my habit, shooting up more and more every day until I started miscarrying weeks later.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “As I sat there, on my bathroom floor, blood from my baby around me, I wasn’t sure if life could get any more difficult. Instead of accepting fate and pushing past the fear, I let it set the course of my life.”

Walking to the front of the classroom, she says, “Until you face your fears, push through, you will never know what’s waiting for you on the other side. In my instance, I could have been a mother, but will never really know what that’s like now. Don’t let this unpleasant emotion set the timeline of your life, like I let it do to me.”

Clapping her hands together, she scans the room, making eye contact with what it seems like everyone. “Our next journey, if you haven’t guessed already, is to step up and face your fears. Think about what’s holding you back, what’s setting you apart from leaping over that fence and seeing what’s on the other side for you. It’s not until you face your fears that you will finally be able to find acceptance.”

Fear.

My fear doesn’t hinder me, it spurs me on. Fear of not being successful, of making something of myself will do that to you. What’s hindering me is my uncle. How am I supposed to metaphorically and lamely hop the fence if I have no control over it? I need money, I had money, money was taken away, therefore, I need to work again to get more money. No fear in that, just pure hatred.

The session breaks, giving attendees a chance to go to the bathroom before we separate into our groups. Hollyn stands, stretching right before she heads to the bathroom. Jace pauses his FaceTime, leaving me alone with Daisy.

Since I fooled around with her on my couch, I’ve seen her a few times, doing simple things like baking, cooking, and hitting up the local food trucks around the area. Nothing too intimate, nothing cutting close to where we went a week ago.

I still can feel the imprint of her skin on my fingers and for some reason, it bothers me. I’m not stupid. I’m not one of those men who are blind to their feelings. I like Daisy, it’s as simple as that. But what I don’t get is why it bothers me.

Maybe because whenever I’m around her, I can’t sulk and hate life like I want to. I can’t point a finger and tell Life to fuck off. When I’m with Daisy, I feel invigorated, even though everything else in my life sucks. Even though nothing else about my life has changed. I don’t want to rely on her for happiness but damn if I haven’t done just that.

“Are you ignoring me?” Daisy asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

Slouched in my chair, my hands folded in my lap, I take a sideways glance at Daisy. She’s wearing a pair of black leggings, a thick sweater that comes to her upper thigh, and her boots. Her hair is straight, falling over her shoulders, looking extra blonde, extra innocent. She’s so damn beautiful and she has no idea.

“Nah, I’ve got better things to ignore than you,” I answer.

“What does that mean?” Her nose twists in confusion. “That doesn’t seem like a very nice answer, Carter.”

I rub my face while letting out a long breath. “Yeah, I can be a dick sometimes. You should know this by now.”

“You’ve always been nice to me.”

“Because it’s hard to be a dick to someone like you.”

“Then why are you being one now?” she asks, her face looking really worried.

Fuck, I don’t want to make her cry. I’m in a shitty mood thanks to Marleen’s revelation. It’s managed to dig up old feelings of my parents and Daisy is the lucky one who gets to deal with it.

“Not in a good mood,” I answer curtly.

“Oh.” She plays with the hem of her sweater. From the corner of my eye, I can see her lifting her head up on occasion to glance in my direction. The innocent look starts to drive me crazy.

“What?” I snap. “Why are you looking at me?”

Her startled expression easily hits me in the gut, tipping me over the edge of being a dick to being concerned.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think I did anything wrong.” Standing abruptly, she shoots across the room, other attendees blocking me from view.

Good job, Carter. You’re a real fucking winner.

Slowly, I get up, feeling the ache of my movement deep in my bones. I’m in my twenties but feel the burn of my forties in every joint. That’s what long nights of standing over a grill will do to you.

Not seeing Daisy in the room, I head out the door where I immediately see her sitting on the cold stone steps of the church. Her arms crossed over her chest and leaning forward. Denver doesn’t get very cold in March like in the Northeast, but there is still a nip in the air.

“Daisy.”

Turning her head, she looks back at me but then focuses straight ahead again. Knowing I’m going to have to tread lightly with her, I sit down so our shoulders are touching.

Ways of apologizing flow through my head, but none of them sound right, so I go with the truth. “The reason I lived with my uncle was because my parents overdosed. Marleen’s story hit a little close to home for me. Instead of being an adult and addressing my feelings, I took them out on you. I’m sorry.”