Dear Life(71)

“But what if—?”

“What if is a waste of time. Don’t ruin your life over a what if. Like you said, life is so much bigger than that.”

“Life is bigger than that,” I confirm. He nods, his hand still gripping my jaw, his other hand finding my hip.

“He knew you loved him, Hollyn. It’s hard not to know that. Just from the way you’ve spoken of Eric, it’s clear the passion, the relationship, the connection you had with him. Don’t throw that away on a few wasted words that were said in the heat of the moment but meant nothing. Like you said, don’t devalue what you had because of a mistake.”

He pauses, allowing time for his words to sink in. Shaking his head, eyes cast down, he chuckles. “Fuck, I hate that what we are going through is so similar and yet, so different.”

“Like we were meant to find each other. Help each other.”

“As if we were brought together in this world, at the most difficult times in our lives, to be mad, but with a purpose.”

There is something magical about his repetition of my words, like he’s actually hearing me, rather than just placating. Must be the creative listener that he is.

“Exactly.”

Sighing, he pulls me in closer. “He loved you, Hollyn, but I think it’s time you take some of your words to heart. Life is bigger than this, live it, love it . . . prove your existence.”

I search his eyes, so full of sincerity, of understanding, of lust.

He’s the first man to gain my attention on an intimate level since Eric’s death, and for the first time since I uttered those three miserable words to Eric, I feel like moving past it doesn’t seem so scary. Not with Jace by my side, guiding me. Eric knew I loved him. He knew.

Feeling the need to jump all in like we talked about, I run my hands up Jace’s strong and chiseled chest and say, “Kiss me.”

His eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, confusion in his expression. I don’t blame him, the request came out of left field, but I need this to move on. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can forgive myself for my words. Deep down, I know Eric will always be with me, but I need to learn to live again. Because life is so much bigger . . .

I don’t wait for him to make a move. Instead, I grip his jaw and pull him closer until our lips are a whisper apart.

“I thought you weren’t ready,” he says, his lips dancing close to mine.

“I’m taking one step closer. It’s time I take this program seriously and truly prove my existence. Kiss me, Jace. Make me feel again.”

A brief smile passes over him before his lips connect with mine in the most intimate of dances. This time when we kiss, lust for this man eclipses the lingering and understandable guilt wrestling within me. Feeling free of guilt will take time, finding the will to move on takes time, and it’s been nearly two years. I’m moving on. I’m proving my existence, one kiss with Jace at a time.





CARTER


“It’s not a mansion, but it does the job.” I shrug my shoulders, feeling completely self-conscious. Why did I bring her here?

She continues to look around, taking in every little spider web in the ceiling corner, every speck of dust I never bothered cleaning, and every rip, tear, and scuff on my dilapidated furniture.

If I wanted to impress her, I’m doing a pretty shitty job of it.

Is that what this is? My need to impress her? Is that why I brought her back to my place? If so, I need to be punched in the dick because bringing her here to impress her was a pretty stupid decision.

Hey, Daisy, come see where homeless people pee on the side of my building, and while you’re at it, check out the mattress I sleep on, on the floor, and the broken-down kitchen I’m ashamed to cook in as a professional chef. And that draft you’re feeling? Yeah, that’s a winter special. It’s called come catch pneumonia. Yup, she’s a real beauty, isn’t she?

Fuck me.

“Wow,” she finally says, looking at me.

Is that a wow I can’t believe you live in this shitty place? Or a wow . . . who am I kidding? It’s a wow I can’t believe you live in this shitty place. There is no other wow when it comes to my life, my living arrangements, my goddamn luck.

I grab the back of my neck and avoid eye contact. “Yeah, it’s, uh, the only place I could find at the time.”

“Why are you doing that?” she asks, pointing at my hand that’s rubbing my neck.

“Doing what?”

She impersonates me, but in an exaggerated way. “Fidgeting. Why are you doing that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” She looks at me blankly. “Come on, Snowflake, this place is a shithole. I don’t know why I brought you here.”

Her brow furrows and her nose wrinkles in the cutest way possible. Fuck, I want to kiss her again.

“What are you talking about? I said wow because it’s so amazing that you’re living on your own. Look around.” She spins, her arms spread wide, her hair fanning out with her revolutions. “You have all this to yourself. This is yours. You don’t have to worry about a roommate, or a grandma, or a half-sister and her fiancé, who I hear having sex by the way.” She shivers. “You can walk around naked if you want, leave the milk out for two seconds without being cussed out, and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone else. You really are living it large.”