Dear Life(58)

The FaceTime ends and the screen goes blank.

Feeling a little uncomfortable, I ask, “Who wants to go next?”

“I need to get out of here,” Hollyn says, scribbling something down on a paper in front of her.

“Oh, are you going to share your board with us?” I ask, wondering what’s going on.

Hollyn continues to write quickly. When I glance at her paper, I notice it’s her letter to Life. She really is trying to get out of here.

“I’m good.” She continues to write and I have no idea what to say. Our group is falling apart. Is this what friendships are like? Unpredictable, erratic at times? Makes me wonder. Are all of the other groups like ours? Or are we carrying heavier life happenings?

Glancing around the room, I take in all the divided little circles. Variations of dream boards are being shared ranging from poster boards to scrapbooks to lists for those who are less creative. Most seem to be talking about the boards on display, interacting with one another and truly sharing.

Then there is my group. Hollyn is packing up, a blank iPad sits across from me, and next to me is Carter, whose dream board is a cocktail napkin. How did I get stuck with the dud group?

“Okay, I’m out.” Hollyn starts to stand, but I stop her.

“What about my dream board? I worked really hard on it and was excited to share it with everyone.”

“I’m sure it’s really nice, Daisy, but—”

“Get up and I’ll tell Marleen you’re not taking this program seriously. Daisy made a dream board and wants to share it, so sit your ass down,” Carter chimes in, his face a mask of seriousness. Eyeing Hollyn, he says, “Go ahead, Daisy, show us your dream board.”

Not sure how to handle the situation, I say, “It’s okay if she wants to leave.”

“No.” Carter focuses his attention on me. “It’s not okay, and you shouldn’t be fine with her leaving. Stand up for yourself.”

The level of uncomfortableness has kicked up a few more notches. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I’m still making friends but it doesn’t seem like Carter is going to let this go, so I muster a little bit of courage. “I would really appreciate if you stayed just a little bit longer.”

I try not to wince as I look at Hollyn. I really don’t want to make her angry, especially since she was so nice to me the other day and she’s Amanda’s best friend.

Hollyn eyes Carter but then turns her attention on me. “I would love to see your dream board, Daisy. I’m sorry for being rude, I’ve just had a really horrible week.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shakes her head. “No. I really don’t.”

I don’t push her, instead, I take my dream board out of the plastic bags I wrapped it in and hold it in front of me. I really went all out, using fabrics, magazine clippings, fringe, and pretty much anything I could find in my craft drawers.

“That’s fantastic,” Carter says, leaning forward to get a better look at it. Oh gosh, when he’s nice to me, it makes my stomach get all fluttery.

“Thank you. Dreaming big meant something to me these past weeks. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing in this program, dreaming big, so pulling together a visual seemed easy. What it comes down to is, I want to live. I’ve been stuck in this little bubble my whole life, never really doing anything for me, always living for my grams but now that she’s taken care for, it’s my turn. I want to put me first and just live.”

Bobbles and trinkets hang off my dream board, pictures representing milestones I would love to achieve, places I want to visit, and activities I want to do.

“What’s with the rubber spatula?” Carter asks.

“Oh, I want to work in a bakery one day. I have some time and money to explore the world right now, but when I’m done, I want to work in a bakery.”

Carter nods his head and continues to examine the board. “You went all out, Snowflake.”

“I like being crafty.” I shrug.

“Didn’t she do a good job, Hollyn?” Carter asks, involving Hollyn into the conversation, who clearly wants to leave.

“Fantastic. Looks like you have a lot going for you.” Do I? Is she just being nice?

Kind of a weird comment. How does one respond to that? Thank you? You have a lot going for you too? Maybe you should just leave because the Debbie Downer vibe you’re sending isn’t quite working for me?

“She does have a lot going for her,” Carter says, a softness in his eyes as he looks at me, dispelling any kind of uncomfortable feeling I might be having.

Why is it so easy for him to make me feel like mush?

And why does his comment give me all the confidence in the world?

***

Dear Life,

I have never felt so nauseated, so sick, so absolutely disgusted in myself before in my entire life.

I kissed another man. I knew it was wrong. At that moment, with Jace staring at me, the same kind of hurt I saw reflected in my eyes, I knew I was too close. I knew I was getting too attached, and yet, I still moved forward and pressed my body against his. I let him touch me, hold me, kiss me back.

I’m a cheater. There is nothing else to say.

Sincerely,

Hollyn



Dear Life,

New clothes, new experiences, new friends. It seems like things are piecing together for me, and yet, I feel uneasy.