Dear Life(39)

Ashamed, flustered, totally abashed, I sit on the floor of my bathroom, unable to comprehend the emotions rolling through me.

I invited a friend over for the first time. When he wasn’t aware, I . . . I lusted over his handsome features. When he was looking, I acted like an amateur, unable to converse effortlessly. I should be proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone, exposing myself, and taking a chance, but instead, I feel regret. What he must think of me right now?

And I have to see him in two days. Will he ignore me? Tears prick my eyes. I can’t even think about it.

“Hey, are you okay in there?” Amanda knocks on the door.

Wiping my nose, I take a deep breath. “Yeah.” My voice is tight so I keep it to a one-worded answer.

“Okay.” Amanda pauses, and then says through the door. “He didn’t say anything to hurt your feelings, did he?”

“No.” I sniff.

“Okay, because, uh, Hollyn said something that worries me.”

Curious, I ask, “What did she say?”

Opening the door, Amanda peeks her head in, a sad smile on her face when she sees me on the floor. “Oh, sweetie.”

Quickly standing, I wipe at my clothes, straightening them along with my apron. I hold up a hand so she doesn’t feel the need to embrace me. “I’m really okay. Facing fears is hard, that’s all.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod. “Yeah, I’m sure. So what did Hollyn tell you?”

With a concerned look, she says, “That Carter might not be the best guy and to be careful when around him.”

Why would Hollyn say that? There is some history between them but it doesn’t seem like it would be to the point that she would tell Amanda to warn me.

“I think Hollyn might be mistaken. I just don’t think they understand each other.”

Amanda shrugs. “Just be careful.” From her pocket, she hands me my phone. “Here, this beeped after you went upstairs. I’m going to take a shower and then eat at least four of your cookies.”

“Only if I can join you.”

Winking, she says, “It’s a date.”

Taking off, she leaves me in the bathroom, wondering what Hollyn meant when she said to be careful. Did she really think Carter could hurt me? He might be upset about something happening in his life, but I don’t believe he would ever really hurt me. Would he?

I remove my apron, splash some water on my face, and then turn to my bedroom where I change into an I Love Lucy pajama set. Even though my khakis have an elastic waistband, I still feel more comfortable in my PJs. Plus, Amanda likes to change into comfortable clothes when she gets home from work, so I like to join her and chat on the couch, all curled up and cozy.

I pull my hair into a ponytail and then reach for my phone, which is when I remember Amanda said it beeped with a message. I press the home button to make the screen come alive and immediately see a text from Carter.

A queasy feeling fills the pit of my stomach and my hand shakes as I open his message.

Carter: Why am I leaving? Because I’m not the kind of guy you should be friends with. Thanks for the cookies.

Not the kind of guy I should be friends with? Why not? Is there something I’m missing? Is it because I’ve never had a drink before? Maybe I’m too boring for him.

On the back of my door, there is a mirror that catches my attention. The reflection in the mirror is the girl I’ve always known. She’s sheltered, na?ve, old-fashioned, maybe a little outdated, slightly childish. I’ve always liked her, but maybe there is more for the girl in the mirror. Maybe it’s time for her to grow up. Maybe she’s not as likeable as I once thought.

I want there to be more. Maybe instead of relying on my comforts like baking and crafting, I’ll start expanding my horizons, try new things, see what it’s like to be an adult.

A change needs to happen, because right now, the person I see in my reflection is still stuck in the past, and I want her to move into the future. I’m doing this for me. I’m changing for me. I’m peeling my layers for me.

No one else. It doesn’t matter how much they don’t want to hang out with me. This is for me and only me.





JACE


“The chatter in the room is wonderful to hear. I really hope you’ve been able to take the last two weeks and develop your support group. In the coming challenges, it will be important to have your group understand you, guide you, and help you through the fears and tests you’ll face.”

Chatter? More like crickets in our circle. Even Daisy is quiet, which is surprising. I expected the closed-off, arms-crossed, slouching-in-his-chair Carter to be in attendance tonight—he always is—but even Hollyn is a little off. Does she feel weird after our conversation at the Cat Company? I hope I didn’t say anything to offend her.

“Over the past few weeks, we’ve talked about grieving, letting go, and building support,” Marleen continues. “Not everyone will be at the same pace. Some of you may still be grieving.” Uh yeah, I’ll probably be grieving for the rest of my life. “Some of you might still be holding on to the past, not quite letting go just yet. And some of you might be tackling this program head-on. Being forced to move on to the next stage when you’re not ready isn’t helpful. But here you can learn a few strategies, new skills. You move at your own pace, but take in the challenges when you can. Learn from your peers and as always, spend each day proving your existence. As you would have seen in your information pack, there are names of psychologists who specialize in trauma counseling especially. Please ask if you would like to pursue more one-on-one guidance. The one thing I don’t want to see, is you staying stagnant or regressing to the person you were before you came to the program.”